THANKSGIVING-TURKEY-TEQUILLA

THIS EPIC FAIL BEGINS CIRCA 1999, THANKSGIVING TIME WHEN I LIVED IN A SHIT HOLE DESERT CALLED 29 PALMS.. SOME OF YOU MIGHT KNOW THE PLACE. OTHERS MIGHT THINK, "WOW, SOUNDS LIKE A TROPICAL PARADISE." YOU WOULD BE WAY EFFING WRONG HOMEY!! THIS PLACE LITERALLY HAD 29 PALM TREES AND ZERO WILD TURKEYS.. WELL, MANY BOTTLES OF WILD TURKEY BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.  I WAS STATIONED HERE WHEN I FIRST CAME INTO THE MILITARY. BEING THAT I WAS SO FAR AWAY FROM HOME, I USUALLY DIDN'T GO HOME UNTIL BIG HOLIDAYS CAME AROUND LIKE CHRISTMAS, NEW YEARS, ETC.. I LOVE THANKSGIVING AND ITS MY FAV' BUT THE MILITARY ONLY GIVES YOU AN EXTENDED WEEKEND.  SO I HAD TO STAY AROUND TOWN.. HERE I AM IN THE FAIR TOWN OF 29 PALMS...

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS KIDDING.. SO MY GUNNERY SERGEANT, OR "GUNNY"  (HE WAS MY BOSS) HAD ALL OF HIS GUYS OVER TO HIS HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING."GUNNY" AND HIS WIFE KAREN COULD REALLY PUT ON A SPREAD.  BUT EVERY TIME WE WOULD GO OVER TO HIS HOUSE IT WAS A DRINKING CONTEST OF THE WORST SHIT EVER.. "GUNNY" WAS AND OLD CRUSTY TERD AND WEIGHED ABOUT AS MUCH AS A WET TERD BUT WE RESPECTED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. SO ME, BLOTTER, "THUNDER"DAN AND THE "MC" PLAYED HIS GAME..  HERE IS AN ALMOST ACCURATE DEPICTION OF GUNNY..

AND YES THIS IS MOSTLY HOW WE COMMUNICATED EVEN ON HOLIDAYS.. IT WAS ALWAYS  INTENSE AS SHIT!! EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SHIT HOUSED..  SO THERE WERE 3 THINGS EVER ALLOWED IN GUNNY HOUSE.  AND THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE THE MOST GUT WRENCHING MONSTER PISS KNOWN TO MAN.. COOR'S.. (NOT THE LIGHT SHIT EITHER)  BUSH MILLS (CHEAPEST PLASTIC BOTTLE WHISKEY FOR SALE) AND STANK ASS TEQUILA.. IF YOU BROUGHT ANYTHING ELSE INTO HIS HOME HE WOULD LITERALLY DICK PUNCH YOU AND TELL YOU TO.....

TRY AGAIN SWEETHEART!!!

FOR ALL MY FEMALE READERS OUT THERE "DICK PUNCHES" ARE THE WORST!! EVEN FOR BEARS...

SO JUMP TO THANKSGIVING DINNER, WE EAT AT 5 BUT WE HAVE BEEN DRINKING SINCE 11. PROLLY THE WRONG SONG TO BE JAMMING TO BUT WE DID IT NONE-THE-LESS.. WE ARE POUNDING COOR'S... AND SHOOTING SHIT ASS WHISKEY ON 15 MIN. INTERVALS.. I AM COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED BUT SOME HOW STILL ON MY GRIND... ALL OF MY BOYS ARE RIGHT THERE WITH ME AND SHIT IS GETTING DEEP... WHAT ABOUT "GUNNY" YOU ASK? HE HAS NOT FLINCHED ONCE.. EGO: THIS GUY IS A FUCKING CYBORG!!!! SHOW US THE WAY TO GREATNESS OH WISE ONE!!" ME:  HELP!! I'M ASDK*#(%&#%!! CONSCIOUS:  BAIL NOW!! BAIL NOW!! CUZ I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU JUST TRIED TO SAY!!! AT THIS POINT I HAVE COMPLETELY CHECKED OUT OF THE GAME AND EGO IS BEING DRAGGED TO THE DINNER TABLE BY THIS WRETCH OF A ROLE MODEL!! I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY HE WAS A MACHINE!!

APPARENTLY WE ALL SAT DOWN, SAID A PRAYER, WHICH I THINK IS HILARIOUS, AND BEGAN TO EAT.. AND EAT WE DID.. ALL OF IT.. AND I DON'T REMEMBER NOR RECALL TASTING ANY OF IT.. THE ONLY FLASHES THAT I GET TO THIS VERY DAY IS THAT DEATH CLOCK EVERY TIME IT WOULD RING ON THE 15 MINUTE MARK.. IT WOULD WAKE ME FROM MY BLACK OUT LONG ENOUGH FOR ANOTHER SHOT.

WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE NOR DID EGO FAIL TO MENTION IS THAT WE HAD RAN OUT OF WHISKEY.... THE COOR'S WERE FLOWING AT FULL CAPACITY AND "CYBORG GUNNY" HAD JUST CRACKED OPEN MY DEATH SENTENCE... OR EGO'S DEATH SENTENCE.. EITHER WAY I WAS TOTALLY FUCKED 6 WAYS FROM SUNDAY WITH NO HELP TO BE FOUND.. THE FUNNIEST PART ABOUT ALL OF THIS WAS AT THE TIME I WAS DATING A GIRL FROM MARYLAND AND SHE HAD FLOWN IN... WELL, I FAILED TO MENTION HER BECAUSE SHE HAS ONE PART IN THE STORY..... SHE LEFT BY HOUR 2 AND I HAVE NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN!!!! TALK ABOUT A HAPPY TURKEY DAY FOR HER..  THE ONLY FLASH OF MEMORY FOR THE NEXT 7 HOURS CONSISTED OF THIS..

TOTAL DARKNESS... THE ONLY THING THAT REMAINS IS THAT SUDDEN WAKE-UP YOU GET WHEN ALL THINGS IN YOUR BODY GO COMPLETELY WRONG AS SHIT AND IT MUST COME OUT!!!  MY GUT HAD ME WIDE ASS AWAKE AT PROLLY 9 AT NIGHT BASED OFF THE DESERT HEAT, AND DOING THE MAD DASH FOR WHAT I THOUGH WAS A CLEAR ESCAPE ROUTE AT AND THROUGH THE DOOR....

I OPEN THE DOOR AS FAST AND HARD AS I CAN AND MY BELLY ERUPTED IN THE WORST POSSIBLE PLACE... POOR, POOR SWEET LITTLE KAREN  HAD STEPPED IN FRONT OF THE DOOR AT THE SAME TIME AND GOT THE PRIVILEGE OF WEARING MY THANKSGIVING TURKEY TEQUILA.... I WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY, COVERED IN SAND AND YAK IN GUNNY AND KAREN'S DESERT FRONT YARD.. ITS WAS 11:20 IN THE MORNING.. SHE LOOKED AT ME, SMILED AND TOLD ME THAT I HAD RUINED HER SWEATER WITH THANKSGIVING DINNER.  THEN SHE SPRAYED MY PUKE JUICE OFF OF ME WITH A WATER HOSE AND LET ME DRY OUT IN THE DESERT NIGHT.. WHAT A SWEET WOMAN.. AND ALL I COULD SAY TO HER WAS..

GUNNY JUST LAUGHED AT ME, CALLED ME A WEAK ASS BITCH AND SAID I WILL SEE YA ON TUESDAY.. GOD BLESS THEM BOTH... THIS IS THE TRUE DEFINITION OF TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK.. I THINK ITS PROLLY ONE OF MY TOP 5 EPIC FAILS EVER.. ITS JUST SO UNFORGETTABLE YET FORGETTABLE ALL AT THE SAME TIME.. FOR ALL MY READERS OUT THERE THINK BEFORE YOU DRINK AND THINK EFFING TWICE BEFORE YOU MIX THANKSGIVING , TURKEY AND TEQUILA..

AS ALWAYS, 100% TRUE AS SHIT!! TIL NEXT TIME...

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

- SONZ OF DADZ PRODUCTION-

DAMN!!! that's a sweet ass jag-KIA!?!?!?!?

SO I CONSIDER MYSELF A MAN'S MAN... AND I DON'T MEAN THAT IN THE "TULIP" SENSE THAT IS RAGING THROUGH YOUR MIND RIGHT NOW. I HAVE THIS PIC UP TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH OF A REAL BAD ASS I AM EVEN IF MY ELTON JOHN TRIBUTE" SAYS OTHERWISE.. BEING A MAN'S MAN CONSIST OF REALLY LIKING MANLY SHIT.. LIKE FOOTBALL, "REAL FOOTBALL", FISHING EVEN THOUGH ITS TOO DAMN HOT TO DO THAT ISH' ALREADY IN THA' BOOT!! BATON RACING.. CUZ NOTHING SCREAMS MAAAANNN!! LIKE OUTRUNNING A KODIAK BEAR IN A BATON RACE IN A SUIT! I DO THIS KIND OF WORKOUT EVERY TUESDAY AND THURSDAY.. I RECOMMEND THIS IF YOU HAVE PLATEAUED IN YOUR OTHER WORKOUTS....

AND FINALLY MY FAVORITE.. CARS.. ITS MY TOTAL WEAKNESS.. I LOVE SPORTS CARS.. AND I HAVE HAD A TON OF THEM GROWING UP.. CAMARO'S, TRANS-AMS, GTO'S ... THE WERX.. SPECIALLY' THE OLD SKOOLY MUSCLE CARS.. MAN, ONE DAY I WILL BIG SWANG ONE OF THESE.. A 1969 CAMARO..!!! EFF MY WHOLE LIFE!!! THIS CAR IS SO BAD ASS AND ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE AND PRAY THAT ONE FALLS UNDER MY CHRISTMAS TREE ONE DAY.. I MEAN LOOK AT THIS THING!!! IT SCREAMS, "I HAVE HUGE TESTICLES AND I WANT EVERY ONE TO SEE THEM!" 

 I THINK BEING A MAN'S MAN IS A VERY STRONG QUALITY TO HAVE AND PRESERVE. I MEAN YOU NEED TO PASS THAT QUALITY DOWN TO YOUR KIDS AND SHIT.. WELL, AMERICA IS TRYING TO KILL "TESTOSTERONE" ON A DAILY BASIS BY PRODUCING SHIT BOXES LIKE THIS....   

THIS IS NOT BEING A MAN... THIS IS CALLED BEING FROM FRANCE!!! THIS KILLS THE SHIT OUT OF ME!! AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, THERE ARE A COUPLE OF THESE IN LEESVILLE, LA.. (MAN CARD REVOKED PART 1... OR UNN.) 

THE ONLY REAL MAN THAT COULD EVER GET AWAY WITH DRIVING SOMETHING AS "NANCY" AS THIS WAS MR. BEAN.

"BEAN" IS GANGSTER AS SHIT!! HE IS THE SOLE REASON THE BRITISH HAVE NOT BEEN CONQUERED. ANYWAYS, YOU GET MY POINT.. THESE THINGS ARE SUPER WEAK SAUCE AND I WANT NO PART OF THEM.. SO FAST-FORWARD A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, AND MY WIFE AND I ARE GOING TO A RETIREMENT CEREMONY.. WHILE WE ARE STANDING OUTSIDE CHATTING IT UP, I SEE A SWEET ASS RIDE PULL UP.."DAMN, LOOK AT THAT HONEY!!" THIS IS A DOPE ASS WHIP.. (REMEMBER I'M THE CAR GUY)  LACEY, NAH, I DON'T THINK ITS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.. ME: YEP, YEP IT IS.... ITS THAT NEW JAGUAR!! THE ONE I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT!!

 LACEY: YEA, OK, WHATEVER YOU SAY "EXPERT".. SO HERE I AM IN A PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THIS CAR TO COME DRIVING BY SO I CAN ACT LIKE A WINDOW LICKER IN THE MALL LOOKING IN THE CANDY SHOP FULL OF PRE-TEENS... (DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THAT GUY... JUDGERS).......... 

MY ANTICIPATION LEVEL IS A THE "NUCLEAR" STAGE BECAUSE AS I STATED BEFORE, I GEEK THE EFF' OUT OVER SHIT I CAN NEVER AFFORD... (I CALL IT BEING ON A BUDGET).. YOU WOULD CALL IT BEING BROKE AS SHIT!!... I START SWEATING AND SHIT, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO.. I GET ALL WORKED UP AND BASICALLY RUIN WHATEVER I AM WEARING.. I CALL IT HAVING AN "EPISODE"...

I REALLY HATE THIS BY THE WAY... ITS RUINS MY WHOLE DAY.. I WEAR LIKE 10 DIFFERENT SHIRTS IN ONE DAY BECAUSE OF THIS... PTSD IS A BITCH... JUS' SAYIN.. (DON'T JUDGE ME!!! I'M WOUNDED...) SO HERE I AM, TONGUE AGAINST WINDOW, PITTED THE FUCK OUT, AND ABOUT TO FAINT CUZ' I AM FREAK AND I GET HIT WITH THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE.... AND NO FOLKS, IT WASN'T A JAGUAR....... IT WAS A GOD-DAMNED' KIA!!!

OR WHAT I LIKE TO CALL IT... K.I.A.  (KILLED IN ACTION) I AM SUCH A SHIT HEAD... WHY DON'T I JUST LISTEN TO "SANE" PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME LIKE MY WIFE, OR CONSCIOUS WHEN THEY TRY TO HELP ME?? NOW I'M HOGGED UP, EMBARRASSED, NEED MEDS TO CALM DOWN, AND JUST HAD MY MAN CARD REVOKED BY A WOMAN DRIVING A EFF-ING KIA.. AND I DIDN'T EVEN BRING SOMETHING TO CHANGE INTO.. FML.  TO SAVE A LITTLE FACE....IT DOES LOOK LIKE A JAG' AT OH LETS SAY...500 FEET... RIGHT??  I FEEL LIKE THIS IS JUST A WAY FOR POSERS TO FEEL LEGIT.. AND WHEN DUDES COME UP TO ME AND TALK ABOUT HOW "IN" THE NEW CAR REVOLUTION IS I JUST WANT TO REVERT TO PLAN A.. PLAN "A" CONSISTS OF THIS.....

I KNOW WITH HOW THE ECONOMY IS AND ALL, PEOPLE SHOULD THINK SMART AND DRIVE SMART.. AND THATS FINE... BUT DRIVING SMART DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN, BEING A DOUCHE BAG IN A FIAT 500!!! JUST BECAUSE YOU SAW J-LO IN A COMMERCIAL FOR A FIAT 500 DOESN'T MEAN SHE IS WHIPPING ONE HARD AS SHIT AROUND HOLLYWOOD!!! THEY PAY HER FOR THAT COMMERCIAL GUYS... AND SHE GETS PAID WELL.. YOU ON THE OTHER HAND, DON'T GET PAID SHIT.. AND BECAUSE YOU ARE DRIVING THIS TWINKIE AROUND TOWN, YOUR "MACK" METER JUST WENT STRAIGHT TO ZERO!!  LET ME SHOW YOUR THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN J-LO IN A FIAT AND YOU IN A FIAT....

( J-LO BEING PAID TO PROMOTE THIS SHITBOX.. NOTICE SHE REFUSES TO TOUCH THIS SKATE!!!)

(DUDES IN THIS RC CAR... NOT BEING PAID.. SEE THE DIFFERENCE??) THOUGHT YOU WOULD.. 

ALL I'M SAYING WITH THIS WHOLE DEAL IS, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DON'T GET ON THE BAND WAGON OF NOT BEING A MAN, NOT DRIVING GAS GUZZLERS, AND NOT BEING AMERICAN... IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD DRIVING SOMETHING THAT GETS 10 MILES TO THE TANK, THEN CAR POOL!! PARK YOUR BEAST OF A GAS HOG AND RUN TO WORK OR SOMETHING.. DRIVE THAT SHIT ON THE WEEK-END WHEN IT REALLY MATTERS. AT LEAST YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE GETTING YOUR FITNESS ON.  THEY WILL RESPECT YOU MORE.. AND FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING NOT BENTLEY..... STOP BUYING THIS EFFING CAR !!!!

NO MATTER HOW BIG YOUR RIMS ARE OR SHINEY YOUR GRILL IS OR HOW YOUR DOORS OPEN UP RETARDED AS FUCK, IT WILL NEVER BE A BENTLEY!!!! JUST GIVE UP THAT DREAM HOMEY...  YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE!! (OH AND THIS CAR IS OWNED BY FIAT NOW IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW)... BE LIKE ME.... DRIVE AMERICAN, MADE IN AMERICA AND ASSEMBLED IN MEXICO!!!!  ITS CHEAPER THAT WAY..

I HOPE EVERYONE GETS A CHUCKLE OUT OF THIS.. I THINK ITS HILARIOUS THAT WE REVERT TO SUCH THINGS AS TINY SKATES AND FLUX CAPACITORS TO SAVE A BUCK.. ITS NOT REALLY WORKING GUYS..  HAVE A HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND AND MAKE SURE IF YOU SEE A VET, TALK TO A VET AND THANK THEM..

TIL' NEXT TIME.. AS ALWAYS,

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL...

 -A SONZ OF DADZ PRODUCTION-

WHAT PART OF "SLEEP STUDY" IS THIS?? CUZ IT AIN'T THE EFF-ING SLEEP PART!!

SO THIS IS THE LATEST AND GREATEST OF ALL MY MISS-ADVENTURES.. I WAS GONNA SIT ON IT FOR A WHILE BUT I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF... THIS WAS REALLY A 24 HOUR BOUT OF CONSTANT FAILURE! AND YES FOLKS, FAIL I DID.. NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO "CUZ I DIDN'T" BUT BECAUSE I LOOK AND FEEL LIKE A TOTAL TARD WHO IS COMPLETELY PLUGGED INTO THE MATRIX..

 SO HERE'S THE STORY... SLEEP!!  I THINK ITS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.. I'M SURE YOU WOULD AGREE.. AND YOUR NIGHT BECOME COMPLETELY SHITTY WHEN YOU HAVE NONE OF IT.  WHATEVER YOUR CASE MAY BE, IT IS NEEDED AND LOVED BY ALL.. NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET SAYS...."MAN, I SURE CAN'T WAIT TO WAKE UP AND DO SHIT".. IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN.  SO YOU CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW BAD YOUR LIFE CAN GET WHEN YOUR SLEEP JUST .... GOES AWAY.  WELL MINE HAS AND MY "ZEN" HAS BEEN SHAT' ON EVER SINCE..

MOST PEOPLE CAN ATTRIBUTE THEIR LACK OF SLEEP TO A COUPLE OF KEY THINGS... HERE'S ONE FOR ALL MY LADY READERS!!!! ......................

I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW HOW MANY OF MY FEMALE READER'S WOULD LOVE TO KICK OFF IN THEIR HUSBAND'S OR BOYFRIEND'S COMPLETE ASS AFTER SEEING THIS PIC??  I WOULD WAKE UP WITH HELLA' BRUISES ON MY SIDE FROM ATOMIC ELBOWS IN THE MORNING NOT KNOWING WHAT THEY WERE FROM.. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING HAUNTED AT NIGHT OR SOMETHING... NOPE.. JUST GETTING MY ASS WHIPPED BY MY BEDMATE AND NOT KNOWING IT..  I KNOW IT SOUNDS BAD, BUT AT THE TIME IT WASN'T.  CUZ' I WAS IN LA-LA LAND... I MEAN I USED TO SLEEP HARD AS SHIT!!!! SO HARD IN FACT THAT I WOULD RANDOMLY GET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND DO "THINGS" THAT I COULD NOT RECALL.. HERE'S SOME VISUALS....

MY WIFE THOUGHT IF WAS OUR GREAT DANE..."THX HONEY FOR THE COMPLIMENT!" BUT IN FACT SHE SAID IT WAS ME.. AND I HAVE NO MEMORY OF IT. I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS!! SHE DIDN'T CUZ' OUR POWER HAPPENED TO BE OUT AND SHE CLEANED IT UP WHILE HOLDING A BURNING CANDLE..  I'VE NEVER LIVED THAT DOWN.  NEITHER DID HER SHOES..

THE NEXT FAIL WAS WHEN WE WERE FIRST MARRIED AND I DECIDED TO TAKE OUR SHIT EATING "CHA-WHINNIE" PUP OUT TO USE THE FACILITIES.. WHAT I FORGOT WAS MY PANTS... AND I MEAN ALL OF MY PANTS... EVEN MY SKIV'S..

THIS IS AS "PG" I CAN GET WHILE STILL GETTING THE POINT ACROSS.. THE WIFE BROUGHT ME BACK IN THE HOUSE, AND THE SHIT EATING "CHA-WHINNIE" CAME INTO THE HOUSE AND COMMENCED TO SHITTING IN THE KITCHEN.. AGAIN, DON'T REMEMBER ONE THING AND YET MY WIFE SPREADS THIS STORY ON THE REG.. THX HON'..

I THINK MY FAVORITE STORY IS OF THIS ASS-HOLE....

THIS HAPPENS TO BE MY BEST FRIEND.. WHEN YOUR YOUNG AND BROKE, YOU ALWAYS SPLIT A HOUSE OR SOMETHING WITH SAID "BEST FRIEND".. WELL ALL I REMEMBER ABOUT THIS WAS "WE" WENT OUT AND GOT COMPLETELY HAMMERED.. YOU KNOW NORMAL STUFF.. I THINK IT WAS A TUESDAY OR SOMETHING.. NOT ALOT GOING ON IN THOSE DAYS.. WELL, MY ROOM WAS CONNECTED TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE.. I GUESS GAR-SONE' PUT HIS CLEAN CLOTHES IN THE DRYER BEFORE WE HEADED OUT TO THE WATERING HOLE FOR THE NIGHT.. NO BIGS... WE ALL DO THAT... WELL, FAST FORWARD 2:30 A.M. AND WE COME IN DRAGGING COMPLETE ASS.. I AM DRUNK BUT UNDER CONTROL.. "HE" HAD BEEN DOUSING CROWN DOWN HIS GULLET AND OUTER BODY...(DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY)  BUT NEEDLESS TO SAY THIS DOUCHER WAS SHIT-BOXED!! AND I THOUGHT IT TO BE WELL..... FUNNY.. EVERYONE GOES TO BED.. NO ISSUES... ABOUT AN HOUR OR SO LATER I HEAR NOISE COMING FROM THE LAUNDRY ROOM.. I ASSUME ITS ROBBIE GETTING HIS SHIT, BUT HE'S BEING LOUD AS HELL AND SAYING WEIRD SHIT.. I CAN'T REALLY MAKE IT OUT.. SO I GET UP, OPEN MY DOOR AND WITNESS THIS UNFOLDING BEFORE MY VERY EYES....

THIS DUDE IS PISSIN' IN THE DRYER!!! HE'S ALL GRUNTIN' AND SHIT AND I SWEAR HE IS SPEAKING MARTIAN OR SOMETHING... I CAN'T GET A WORD OUT OF HIM... AND THEN HE LOOK'S ME DEAD IN MY FACE AND TELL ME TO FUCK OFF!!!! AND SNICKERS.... OH OK... ITS LIKE THAT!?!?  ROGER!! ENGAGE EGO:  TOM TOM EFF THAT DUDE!! WE ARE TRYING TO HELP!! ME: I KNOW RIGHT, SHOULD I JUST PUSH HIM DOWN SO HE'LL STOP OR LET HIM FINISH?? THIS IS THE RARE MOMENT WHERE ALL THREE HEADS SPEAK AS ONE

CONSCIOUS:  I'M GONNA AGREE WITH EGO... WE TRIED TO HELP AND "DOUCHE-LORD" WANTS NONE OF IT!  GO AHEAD EGO, HAVE YOUR MOMENT AND HOOK HIM UP PROPER!! SO WE STEP BACK, LET SAID BEST FRIEND FINISH, AND WATCH HIM GO BACK TO HIS ROOM.  WHAT WOULD YOU DO AFTER THAT? WHAT A BEST FRIEND DOES BEST.. TAKE "CARE" OF HIS FRIENDS SHIT... CLOSE THE DRYER DOOR, HIGH HEAT, 70 MINUTE CYCLE!! SWEET SUCCESS!!! BET YOU WON'T CUSS ME AGAIN!! OH, AND THE DRYER WAS HIS TOO!! TOM TOM, EGO, & CONSCIOUS 1... BEST FRIEND ZIP!!! WINNER!!! 

I HAVE A MILLION OF THESE EXAMPLES.. THE POINT I AM TRYING TO GET ACROSS IS THAT "SLEEP" IS PRECIOUS.. WHETHER IT DEEP REM SLEEP OR BLACK OUT DRUNK SLEEP, ITS THERE FOR A REASON.. I JUST WANT MINE BACK.. AND MY "SLEEP STUDY" DIDN'T HELP.. I MEAN THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT BEING WIRED UP LIKE A SOUND BOARD FROM HEAD TO TOE AND BEING WATCHED BY A CAMERA THAT SCREAMS "SWEET DREAMS"...

I MEAN ALL I COULD DO WAS WATCH THEM, WATCHING ME, WHILE I SIT IN A BED IN THE DARK.. SO I REALLY HAD TO PRETEND THAT I WAS WATCHING THEM.. I COULDN'T SEE SHIT!! REAL SHITTY DEAL.. OH AND I HAD SO MANY WIRES ON THAT I HAD TO SHOUT OUT TO THEM WHEN I NEEDED TO USE THE "POTTY" LIKE I WAS A 3000 YEAR OLD MUMMY!! I MEAN FML!! IT WAS TOTAL MISERY..  AT THE END OF THE "STUDY" NURSE NOBODY FROM BIZZARO WORLD CAME IN AND TOLD ME..... "YOU DIDN'T SLEEP VERY MUCH"...  REALLY!! REALLY!!! IF IT WASN'T SO DARK, I WOULD HAVE WIDDLED A SHANK AND USED IT ON THIS SKEEZE-BAG!!!   I MEAN, I KNOW ROCKET SCIENCE IS PRETTY TOUGH, BUT LEGO BUILDING... NOT SO MUCH...   MY 2 YR OLD COULD HAVE GIVEN ME A "BETTER READING" ON MY RESULTS THEN THIS BROAD... AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, THE DOCTOR NEVER CAME IN... GUESS HE HAD BETTER SHIT TO DO..  

WITH ENDING THIS STORY I WILL SAY THIS... SLEEP IS SO EFF-ING AWESOME!! AND TO NOT HAVE ANY OR VERY LITTLE, WELL THAT JUST BLOWS!! THEIR ARE SOME AUDIBLES... IF YOU HAVE A NEW-BORN OR IF YOU ARE ON A TROPICAL ISLAND AND HAVE ONLY 5-7 DAYS TO GET ALL THE PARTY YOU CAN GET!! HOPEFULLY I CAN GET MY "SLEEPY TIMES" BACK.. UNTIL THEN.......

DRINK TIL' YOU BLACK OUT!!! IT IS GUARANTEED SLEEP!!!!!  AND THERE ARE OTHER RISKS AS WELL. JUST ASK THIS GUY!!

AS ALWAYS, 100% TRUE AS SHIT!!

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

DRESS YOUR DUDE BABY LIKE A DUDE BABY!!!

SO THIS IS ME AND MY, "OLE LADY"  LOL... SHE'S GONNA KILL ME! BUT SHE IS SUCH A BUTE'.. CLASSY FROM HEAD TO TOE, AND REALLY IS THE BEST LOOKING PART OF ME BAR NONE... I'M SURE ALL OF YOU WOULD AGREE..  SHE HAS SUCH A FASHION SENSE ABOUT HER AND REALLY STAYS ON TOP OF THE NEWEST TRENDY KINDS OF THINGS... ME, WELL, POLO AND FLIPPY FLOPPY'S ARE MY THING, BUT TRUST WHEN I SAY THAT SHE GETS THE FINAL SAY AND APPROVAL WHEN IT COMES TO US GOING OUT AND KEEPING A POSITIVE VISUAL IMAGE OF OUR FAMILY.. NO CUT OFF TEE'S, WIFE BEATER'S, OR SPANDEX HERE.  THAT SHIT HIT THE TRASH AS SOON AS WE BECAME A LEGIT COUPLE.... " I MISS MY SPANDEX/WIFE'WHIPPER OUTFIT BY THE WAY"  BUT WITH ALL THIS BEING SAID SHE HAS BROUGHT MY STYLE GAME WAY UP AND I NOW KEEP MY "SHIT" 100 ALL DAY ERY'DAY..  I KNOW WE LOOK LIKE WE HAVE NEVER HAD A BAD DAY IN OUR WHOLE LIFE, BUT LET ME TELL YA.... ONE OF THE BIGGEST SQWAAB'S WE EVA' HAD WAS ABOUT OUR SON, HOW HE DRESSES AND KEEPING OUR DUDE BABY, LOOKING LIKE AN EFF-ING DUDE BABY!!  LET ME EXPLAIN A BIT......

THIS IS OUR LIL' BLUE-CHIPPER!!! CA$HMONEY'...

 HIS "DUDE BABY" FASHION SENSE  DOESN'T GET ANYMORE SCRILLA' THAN THIS!  CA$H-DMC... SWAG TO THE MAX AND WHAT IT REALLY MEANS TO "DRESS LIKE A DUDE BABY"..  THIS IS NOT A GOOGLE PIC, AND IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS WEARING WHEN HE CAME FROM THE WOMB.... I KNOW RIGHT.. IT GOES SUPER DUPER HARD.. I THOUGHT THE SAME THING WHEN WE FIRST MET. AND NEEDLESS TO SAY HE HAS BROUGHT MY PIMP GAME WAY UP... LIKE ICE "T" UP....  BUT TRUST WHEN I SAY COCO DOES NOT HAVE THE STATUS TO GET WIT' THIS PLAYA'... THIS IS ELITE "DUDE BABY' STATUS.. MY BOY GOES 100!!

SO LACEY AND I BEEF HARD AS SHIT ON OCCASION ABOUT WHAT IS HOT AND WHAT ABSOLUTELY IS NOT....  I'M ALL ABOUT KEEPING MY BLUE-CHIPPER IN THE TIGHTEST POLO AND SWEATERS POSSIBLE WHILE MY WIFE CONTENDS THAT HE WILL ONLY BE HER "BABY" FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND HE WILL DRESS LIKE A, AS SHE SAYS, "CUTIE PU-TOOTIE"...  NO MAS MADRE', NO MAS... THIS WILL NOT DO! LET ME GIVE YOU SOME EXAMPLES SO YOU CAN PICK UP WHAT I AM TRYING TO THROW IN THE LANDFILL..... 

THX DAD FOR MY KAYNE WEST STUNNA' SHADES!! I'M GOIN' 100!!

REALLY MOM, REALLY.. CAN'T GET NO BABY PLAY WIT THIS HAT!!  I'M TELLIN' DAD!!



SWAG' TO THA' MAX SON!!

"WRONG!!!!!"

NOW I DON'T WANT ALL MY READERS TO THINK THAT MY BABY MOMMA' HAS NO STYLE... YOU WOULD BE DEAD ASS WRONG. MY WIFE KEEPS ME NOT  LOOKING LIKE A CLOWN NINJA ON THE REG.. AND BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT SHE GETS CREDIT FOR 99% OF HOW MY SON DRESSES... BUT THAT 1% IS UTTER FAIL!!!  IT MAKES ME WANT TO TAKE 20 TYLENOL GEL TABS AND BID THE WORLD GOOD DAY.. FOR REAL, IT REALLY CHAPS MY ASS WHEN I HAVE TO FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL FOR MY DUDE BABY TO DRESS LIKE AN EFF-NG DUDE BABY!! I MEAN I THINK SHE POISONS MY FOOD OR SOMETHING CUZ' MY MAN METER JUST SHRINKS TO SHIT WHEN SHE PRANCES MY GANGSTER LOOKIN' "LIL" DUDE IN THE ROOM IN SOME FORM OF MAN TU-TU.  IF WE HAD A LITTLE GIRL, NO PROBLAMO' KNOCK YOUR SELF OUT!! DO YOUR WORST, OR IN THAT CASE YOUR BEST!  

BUT HE IS A LIL' BOY DAMON!!!!!

THE WORST PART ABOUT MY "BABY DUDE" DEBACLE IS THAT I HAVE ZERO BACKUP.. AND IT SUX!  PEOPLE COME OVER TO MY HOUSE OR COMMENT ON FACE SPACE ALL THE TIME. ABOUT MY 1ST TEAM ALL-AMERICAN..  AND I MEAN  ALL THE WOMEN IN MY LIFE.. MOM'S, AUNT'S, SISTER'S AND ANY OTHER FEMALE ACQUAINTANCE, AND ALL I GET IS....."AWWWW HOW CUTE, HE SO ADORABLE"  AND HE IN FACT IS...WITHOUT THE BULLSHIT CLOTHES! WHILE ALL THE DUDES IN MY CIRCLE BAIL ON ME AND STAND OUTSIDE LIKE KOBE BRYANT IS OUTSIDE DUNKING THE SHIT OUT OF MY NERF BASKETBALL GOAL OR SOME SHIT!...(DICKS) ..............................

 BUT MOST OF MY FRIENDS HAVE LITTLE GIRLS SO THEY CAN'T RELATE.  SO WHAT DO I DO?? ENTER "EGO".... EFF' THAT T-PAIN!! WE HAVE TO STAND UP FOR ALL MEN AND DUDE BABIES!!! TELL BABY MOMMA THAT THIS SHIT AIN'T GONNA FLY AND YOU WILL NOT STAND BY AND LET HER ESTROGENIZE OUR BOY'S BABY EGO!!"  ME:  "DAMN SKIPPY BOSS HOSS'!! WE GONNA GO TO WAR ON THIS!!! 

WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!!!!!

CONSCIOUS: "TOM TOM, MIGHT NOT WANT TO COME TO BLOWS OVER SUCH A LITTLE BIT OF CLOTHING....." BABY MOMMA IS SMART AND YOU WILL GET TOOKED' STRAIGHT TO CHURCH ON THIS ONE HOME SKILLET"..  ME: " BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS CONSCIOUS, YOU'RE ALWAYS SHITTING IN MY FRUITY HOOPS!!! COME ON EGO, LET GET THIS "W".."  YOU CAN DAMN WELL BET THAT I DIDN'T ONLY GET "TOOKED" TO CHURCH.....  I ENDED UP FEELING ABOUT.... OH THIS BIG AFTER SHE WAS DONE RAKING ME OVER THE COALS....

I EVEN THINK I CRIED AFTER SHE WAS DONE, "EDUCATING ME ON WHAT THE EFFF I WAS GONNA DO AND WHAT TO EXCEPT IN THE FUTURE...  CONSCIOUS: " I TOLD YOU DUDE RUDE.. YOU NEVER LISTEN AND YOU JUST GOT HANDLED UP ON AGAIN".. ME:  " IF I EVER GET MY HANDS ON YOU CONSCIOUS I WILL BLOW YOUR SHIT ALL THE WAY UP!! AND THX "EGO" YOU HAVE SHIT ON ME YET AGAIN" CONSCIOUS & BABY MOMMA 1... TOM TOM & EGO... ZIP..  FUCK.....

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THESE EFFING CLOTHES ARE ABOUT?!!?  IT BLOWS ME AWAY THAT ANYONE CAN THINK THAT THIS KIND OF HORROR SHOW IS CUTE OR ACCEPTABLE IN THE WORLD OF LITTLE PISTOL STARTERS!! (THAT'S ANOTHER TERM FOR GANGSTER ASS LOOKIN' BABY DUDES).  

          

I DON'T GIVE A FAT BABY'S ASS HOW MUCH THOSE SKINNY JEANS COST!!! I AIN'T WEARIN' DEM SHITS!!

I FEEL LIKE THERE IS A TAD TOO MUCH HOUSE WIVES OR RACHEL ZOE PROJECT OR SOME SHIT... (I KNOW ITS RETARDED THAT I KNOW THESE SHOWS AND MY MAN CARD SHOULD BE COMPLETELY REVOKED)  ALL OF THESE T.V. REALITY SHOW SKEEZE'S REALLY CLOUD MEN'S WIVES WITH BIG PILES OF DOO-DOO... IF YOU WANT TO WEAR THAT TRASH, YOU NEED TO MOVE OUT WEST.. CUZ MY KID REPRESENTS THA BOOT' BABY!! (AT LEAST WHEN THE WIFEY IS AT WORK)



THIS TYPE SHIT JUST WON'T EFFING DUE!!  WE,  "SONS OF DADS"  BOOM!! THAT'S MY FIRST BUSINESS PLUG.. NEED TO TAKE CONTROL OF OUR KIDS FASHION.. I KNOW IT SOUNDS A LIL CRAY-CRAY TO THINK IT HAS TO COME TO THAT.  USED TO BE DAD'S JUST WORRIED ABOUT SPORTS AND PUTTING FOOD ON THE TABLE.  NOW, WE HAVE TO MAKE SURE OUR "DUDE BABIES" DON'T GET CLOWNED LIKE GIRLY MEN.. I MEAN SHIT CAN GET REAL AS HELL IN THE DAYCARE PARKING LOT IF ANOTHER "MAN" STARTS CLOWIN' ON WHAT MY KID IS WEARING.. YOU WILL GET CLAPPED UP SON!!! YOU BETTA' CHECK MY CHARGES!!!

 A CHILD'S EGO IS NOT THE THING TO MESS UP!  WE NEED TO KEEP OUR BABY DUDES , BABY DUDES AND MENTOR THEM INTO FOR REAL ASS GROWN UP MEN!!  TODAY IS THE DAY THAT WE SHOULD STAND UP FOR OURSELVES AND OUR DUDE BABIES!!  I AM SICK OF IT!!! FROM NOW ON I'M DISHING OUT LOLLIE POPS AND ASS WHIPPINS'..

AND I'M ALL OUT OF LOLLIE POPS!!!

I NEED ALL WOMEN TO UNDERSTAND THIS TODAY, TOMORROW, AND THE WHOLE TIME YOUR BABY DUDES ARE GROWNING UP.  DON'T THINK YOUR LIL BOYS WON'T GROW UP AND SEE THE GARB' YOU PUT THEM IN WHEN THEY WERE BABIES.. DON'T TAKE THEIR MANHOOD AWAY FROM THEM. ITS NOT FAIR.. SO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING SACRED... DON'T TORTURE YOUR BABY DUDE BY DRESSING HIM LIKE THIS.....  THAT SHIT AIN'T FUNNY!!......................

ON A SIDE NOTE: THIS WAS FOR YOUNG MONEY'S 1ST B-DAY .. I HAD TO GIVE IN.. HE MADE 1 "YEARS' OLD LOOK STUNNER!! AND HE MADE ME AND HONEY DIP LOOK HELLA GOOD!!

WWJD?? PROLLY KICK MY ASS FOR TALKIN SMACK! BUT I THINK HE WOULD SEE THINGS THE WAY I SEE THEM... UUMMM AT LEAST A LITTLE I HOPE! 

  

IN CLOSING, MY WIFE IS AWESOME!! SHE DOES SO MUCH FOR OUR FAMILY AND KEEPS MY KID FRESH DRESSED LIKE A MILLION BUCKS.. THERE IS NO DOUBT.. THE BAD THING FOR ME.... WE HAVE ANOTHER BABY DUDE ON THE WAY.."SUPER COOPER"  AND THAT'S SUCH A BLESSING.. SO I'M SURE WE ARE GONNA BE SCWABBIN' ABOUT ALL THIS ALL OVER AGAIN.  DAMN.  I NEED BACK UP THIS TIME BOYS! STOP LAUGHIN' AT PAIN AND GET IN THE GAME!! I NEED SUPPORT!

OH, AND A BIG SHOUT TO MY BOY MIZ'IKE HICKS FOR HITTIN OVER 4K ON HIS LAST POST!! BIG UPP'S HOMEY!!

AS ALWAYS 100% TRUE AS SHIT!! TIL' NEXT TIME..

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!