UNCLE TOM'S BROKEN SNIPER CHRONICLES: DAMN!!! that's a sweet ass jag-KIA!?!?!?!?

SO I CONSIDER MYSELF A MAN'S MAN... AND I DON'T MEAN THAT IN THE "TULIP" SENSE THAT IS RAGING THROUGH YOUR MIND RIGHT NOW. I HAVE THIS PIC UP TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH OF A REAL BAD ASS I AM EVEN IF MY ELTON JOHN TRIBUTE" SAYS OTHERWISE.. BEING A MAN'S MAN CONSIST OF REALLY LIKING MANLY SHIT.. LIKE FOOTBALL, "REAL FOOTBALL", FISHING EVEN THOUGH ITS TOO DAMN HOT TO DO THAT ISH' ALREADY IN THA' BOOT!! BATON RACING.. CUZ NOTHING SCREAMS MAAAANNN!! LIKE OUTRUNNING A KODIAK BEAR IN A BATON RACE IN A SUIT! I DO THIS KIND OF WORKOUT EVERY TUESDAY AND THURSDAY.. I RECOMMEND THIS IF YOU HAVE PLATEAUED IN YOUR OTHER WORKOUTS....

AND FINALLY MY FAVORITE.. CARS.. ITS MY TOTAL WEAKNESS.. I LOVE SPORTS CARS.. AND I HAVE HAD A TON OF THEM GROWING UP.. CAMARO'S, TRANS-AMS, GTO'S ... THE WERX.. SPECIALLY' THE OLD SKOOLY MUSCLE CARS.. MAN, ONE DAY I WILL BIG SWANG ONE OF THESE.. A 1969 CAMARO..!!! EFF MY WHOLE LIFE!!! THIS CAR IS SO BAD ASS AND ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE AND PRAY THAT ONE FALLS UNDER MY CHRISTMAS TREE ONE DAY..

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS THING!!! IT SCREAMS, "I HAVE HUGE TESTICLES AND I WANT EVERY ONE TO SEE THEM!"

I THINK BEING A MAN'S MAN IS A VERY STRONG QUALITY TO HAVE AND PRESERVE. I MEAN YOU NEED TO PASS THAT QUALITY DOWN TO YOUR KIDS AND SHIT.. WELL, AMERICA IS TRYING TO KILL "TESTOSTERONE" ON A DAILY BASIS BY PRODUCING SHIT BOXES LIKE THIS....

THIS IS NOT BEING A MAN... THIS IS CALLED BEING FROM FRANCE!!! THIS KILLS THE SHIT OUT OF ME!! AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, THERE ARE A COUPLE OF THESE IN LEESVILLE, LA.. (MAN CARD REVOKED PART 1... OR UNN.)

THE ONLY REAL MAN THAT COULD EVER GET AWAY WITH DRIVING SOMETHING AS "NANCY" AS THIS WAS MR. BEAN.

"BEAN" IS GANGSTER AS SHIT!! HE IS THE SOLE REASON THE BRITISH HAVE NOT BEEN CONQUERED. ANYWAYS, YOU GET MY POINT.. THESE THINGS ARE SUPER WEAK SAUCE AND I WANT NO PART OF THEM.. SO FAST-FORWARD A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, AND MY WIFE AND I ARE GOING TO A RETIREMENT CEREMONY.. WHILE WE ARE STANDING OUTSIDE CHATTING IT UP, I SEE A SWEET ASS RIDE PULL UP.."DAMN, LOOK AT THAT HONEY!!" THIS IS A DOPE ASS WHIP.. (REMEMBER I'M THE CAR GUY) LACEY, NAH, I DON'T THINK ITS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.. ME: YEP, YEP IT IS.... ITS THAT NEW JAGUAR!! THE ONE I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT!!

LACEY: YEA, OK, WHATEVER YOU SAY "EXPERT".. SO HERE I AM IN A PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THIS CAR TO COME DRIVING BY SO I CAN ACT LIKE A WINDOW LICKER IN THE MALL LOOKING IN THE CANDY SHOP FULL OF PRE-TEENS... (DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THAT GUY... JUDGERS)..........

MY ANTICIPATION LEVEL IS A THE "NUCLEAR" STAGE BECAUSE AS I STATED BEFORE, I GEEK THE EFF' OUT OVER SHIT I CAN NEVER AFFORD... (I CALL IT BEING ON A BUDGET).. YOU WOULD CALL IT BEING BROKE AS SHIT!!... I START SWEATING AND SHIT, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO.. I GET ALL WORKED UP AND BASICALLY RUIN WHATEVER I AM WEARING.. I CALL IT HAVING AN "EPISODE"...

I REALLY HATE THIS BY THE WAY... ITS RUINS MY WHOLE DAY.. I WEAR LIKE 10 DIFFERENT SHIRTS IN ONE DAY BECAUSE OF THIS... PTSD IS A BITCH... JUS' SAYIN.. (DON'T JUDGE ME!!! I'M WOUNDED...) SO HERE I AM, TONGUE AGAINST WINDOW, PITTED THE FUCK OUT, AND ABOUT TO FAINT CUZ' I AM FREAK AND I GET HIT WITH THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE.... AND NO FOLKS, IT WASN'T A JAGUAR....... IT WAS A GOD-DAMNED' KIA!!!

OR WHAT I LIKE TO CALL IT... K.I.A. (KILLED IN ACTION) I AM SUCH A SHIT HEAD... WHY DON'T I JUST LISTEN TO "SANE" PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME LIKE MY WIFE, OR CONSCIOUS WHEN THEY TRY TO HELP ME?? NOW I'M HOGGED UP, EMBARRASSED, NEED MEDS TO CALM DOWN, AND JUST HAD MY MAN CARD REVOKED BY A WOMAN DRIVING A EFF-ING KIA.. AND I DIDN'T EVEN BRING SOMETHING TO CHANGE INTO.. FML. TO SAVE A LITTLE FACE....IT DOES LOOK LIKE A JAG' AT OH LETS SAY...500 FEET... RIGHT?? I FEEL LIKE THIS IS JUST A WAY FOR POSERS TO FEEL LEGIT.. AND WHEN DUDES COME UP TO ME AND TALK ABOUT HOW "IN" THE NEW CAR REVOLUTION IS I JUST WANT TO REVERT TO PLAN A.. PLAN "A" CONSISTS OF THIS.....

I KNOW WITH HOW THE ECONOMY IS AND ALL, PEOPLE SHOULD THINK SMART AND DRIVE SMART.. AND THATS FINE... BUT DRIVING SMART DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN, BEING A DOUCHE BAG IN A FIAT 500!!! JUST BECAUSE YOU SAW J-LO IN A COMMERCIAL FOR A FIAT 500 DOESN'T MEAN SHE IS WHIPPING ONE HARD AS SHIT AROUND HOLLYWOOD!!! THEY PAY HER FOR THAT COMMERCIAL GUYS... AND SHE GETS PAID WELL.. YOU ON THE OTHER HAND, DON'T GET PAID SHIT.. AND BECAUSE YOU ARE DRIVING THIS TWINKIE AROUND TOWN, YOUR "MACK" METER JUST WENT STRAIGHT TO ZERO!! LET ME SHOW YOUR THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN J-LO IN A FIAT AND YOU IN A FIAT....

( J-LO BEING PAID TO PROMOTE THIS SHITBOX.. NOTICE SHE REFUSES TO TOUCH THIS SKATE!!!)

(DUDES IN THIS RC CAR... NOT BEING PAID.. SEE THE DIFFERENCE??) THOUGHT YOU WOULD..

ALL I'M SAYING WITH THIS WHOLE DEAL IS, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DON'T GET ON THE BAND WAGON OF NOT BEING A MAN, NOT DRIVING GAS GUZZLERS, AND NOT BEING AMERICAN... IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD DRIVING SOMETHING THAT GETS 10 MILES TO THE TANK, THEN CAR POOL!! PARK YOUR BEAST OF A GAS HOG AND RUN TO WORK OR SOMETHING.. DRIVE THAT SHIT ON THE WEEK-END WHEN IT REALLY MATTERS. AT LEAST YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE GETTING YOUR FITNESS ON. THEY WILL RESPECT YOU MORE.. AND FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING NOT BENTLEY..... STOP BUYING THIS EFFING CAR !!!!

NO MATTER HOW BIG YOUR RIMS ARE OR SHINEY YOUR GRILL IS OR HOW YOUR DOORS OPEN UP RETARDED AS FUCK, IT WILL NEVER BE A BENTLEY!!!! JUST GIVE UP THAT DREAM HOMEY... YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE!! (OH AND THIS CAR IS OWNED BY FIAT NOW IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW)... BE LIKE ME.... DRIVE AMERICAN, MADE IN AMERICA AND ASSEMBLED IN MEXICO!!!! ITS CHEAPER THAT WAY..

I HOPE EVERYONE GETS A CHUCKLE OUT OF THIS.. I THINK ITS HILARIOUS THAT WE REVERT TO SUCH THINGS AS TINY SKATES AND FLUX CAPACITORS TO SAVE A BUCK.. ITS NOT REALLY WORKING GUYS.. HAVE A HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND AND MAKE SURE IF YOU SEE A VET, TALK TO A VET AND THANK THEM..