REALLY DOG?!?!? ZIMA?? REALLY?!? HOW ABOUT A SHOTGUN TO YO' FACE PIECE!!

SO NOW THAT WE'VE MADE THE PROPER, "I KNOW YOU, AND YOU KNOW ME" BIT FROM THE LAST 2 POSTS, I WILL SPARE YOU THE PLEASANTRIES...BUT SWEET PIC NO DOUBT OF REAL MEN DRINKING FOR-REAL ASS BEER. OBSERVE THE MASS AMOUNTS OF GLASS, LABELS AND AWESOMENESS THAT ARE IN THIS PIC. AND YES, WE ARE IN A BAR, JOURNEY'S "LOVIN', TOUCHIN' AND SQUEEZEN'" IS BLASTING IN THE BACKGROUND. "ZEN" MY ROE-DAWG AUSTIN "M" A.K.A (KNUCKLE DRAGGER)AND MYSELF ARE ON POINT WITH OUR RENDITION OF SAID 80'S HIT! DON'T HATE BOO-BOO, EMBRACE IT!! BUT THE POINT OF THESE OBSERVATIONS ARE QUIET SIMPLY THIS..... NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE SINGING, AND NO MATTER HOW AWESOME IT MAY IN FACT BE, YOU CANNOT DO THESE THINGS I AM CONFESSING TO IN THIS REPRESENTATION OF A BROMANCE' WITH ANYTHING LESS THEN BEER, 90 PROOF GUT-ROT OR KEG STANDS OFF OF BILLY RAY AND JO-JO'S MOON SHINE STILL. WHICH BRINGS ME AGAIN TO MY UNPLEASANT PAST OF BEING AN UTTER "FIRST TIME" NO GO AND STRAIGHT CLOWN," FAILURE TO RISE ABOVE THE T.V. COMMERCIAL PEER PRESSURE AND TACTICS, AND TAKE PART IN THE SIN THAT IS...........................................................................

YES...THAT SHIT...EFFFF MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE FOR ADMITTING TO YOU "JUDGERS" THAT I STOOD AMONGST OTHER "SO CALLED MAN-CHILDS" (A.K.A TEENAGERS) AND TOOK PART IN DRINKING THIS BRAND OF ESTROGEN FILLED FIRE-WATER!! DAMNMITT ALL TO HELL!! BUT LETS NOT LEAVE THE BEST PART OUT OF THIS EQUATION... THERE WAS ONE MORE INGREDIENT THAT WOULD MAKE ROCKY BALBOA LOOK LIKE RU'PAUL'S LITTLE BOY BANGER...... YEP, YOU GUESSED IT......







SO MY STORY REALLY STARTS PROLLY ABOUT 1993-1994ISH'... NOT REAL SURE, BUT IN SAYING THAT, IF YOU HAVE CONSUMED THIS BULLSHIT POST 1997-ISH AND A DUDE, YOU NEED YOUR BALLS SMASHED WITH A SPIKED FUCKING BAT!! POOOWWWW!!.(WU-TANG CLAN SON.. WHAT!!) MY FAMILY AND I HAD MOVED TO A PLACE IN NORTH CAROLINA CALLED GASTONIA, "THE GASS HOUSE" FOR ALL MY STREET DWELLERS.. MY MOM AND DAD WERE BUILDING A NEW HOUSE AND MY UNCLE LET US SHACK UP AT HIS SPOT DURING THE BUILD. WELL, MY UNCLE IS A 'CAN DO' ANYTHING TYPE DUDE.. REALLY, EFFING ANYTHING. BUT HE ALSO IS TOTALLY AGAINST THE "MAN" AND SAYS SHIT ABOUT WOMEN LIKE, " 8 TO 80, BLIND, CRIPPLE, OR CRAZY, IF SHE CAN'T WALK...I WILL DRAG HER!!!" DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I EQUATE IT TO..." BITCH IF YOU DON'T WALK IN MY DIRECTION, YOU WILL GET DRAGGED IN MY DIRECTION AT ALL COSTS.... YA DIG??!?!?.. MY UNCLE AND I HAD A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WHILE I WAS GROWNING UP. HE WOULD TELL ME ABOUT HOES', AND TO DO WHATS RIGHT BUT ALWAYS DO IT ON MY TERMS.. DOESN'T REALLY WORK THAT WAY ALL THE TIME, BUT I TRIED REAL HARD AND STILL DO TO FOLLOW THOSE GUIDELINES... ANYWAYS, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT DRINKING AND GETTING TORN DOWN.. I SAW THE ZIMA COMMERICAL ON THE TELLA' TUBE AND THOUGHT...." WELL ITS CLEAR, "IT SPARKLE LIKE DIAMOND IN SKY" (THX LACEY), PROLLY WON'T TASTE LIKE BIGFOOT'S STANK TANK LIKE ALL BEERS DO, AND WOW, LOOK AT ALL THE CHICKAS' DRINK IT ON T.V." I WAS SUCH A UTTER RETARD ABOUT SHIT LIKE THAT.. I GUESS MY UNCLE KNEW THE REAL SCOOP ON THIS PISS WATER, AND AGREED TO GRAB ME A SIXER OF THE FINEST ZIMA IN TOWN.. (DICK) MIND YOU MY FOLKS WERE OUT OF TOWN AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS ABOUT TO GO DOWN. SO HERE WE GO, I'M STOKED!!!! FIXIN' TO GET MY DRANK ON SON!!! YEA, I GOT MY DRINK ON ALRIGHT.. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO GET A BIG ASS CUP FILLED WITH ICE AND POUR LIKE 3 OF THOSE VAG' BOMBS AND GET TO WORK.. LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT THIS SHIT FALLS INTO THE " MALT LIQUOR" CATEGORY OF SHITTINESS....NICE... SIDE NOTE.... WHEN MY UNCLE SHOWS BACK UP TO THE HOUSE WITH MY GOODIES, HE ALSO HAS IN TOW A RANDOM BROAD THAT IS NO DOUBT GONNA FULFILL ALL HIS NIGHTLY NEEDS WHILE I DROWN MYSELF IN THIS CLEAR HELL HOUND PISS POISON... HE LOOKS AT ME, SMILES AND SAYS, "GOOD LUCK BOY!!!' I'LL BE IN HERE TAKING THIS SKEEZE' TO THE WOOD SHED, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN...HE, HE, HE..... THAT'S MY UNCLE, GOD BLESS HIM. BACK TO IT NOW... 2 LITER OF ZIMA W/ ICE IN RETARDED ASS SIZED CUP...CHECK.. BIG ASS BAG OF CHESTER CHEETO'S PUFF'S... CHECK....OLD SKOOL SATELLITE WITH THE ILLEGAL BOX HOOK-UP AND PORN STATIONS ON LOCK... DOUBLE ASS CHECK.... I AM HOOKED UP LIKE BIG JOHN ABOUT TO RIDE THE LIGHTNING!! LIKE THE COFFEE BOSS... JUS' NOT SPELT DE SAME......

I'M GONNA LET MY UNCLE KNOW THAT I AIN'T NO PUNK, CAN HOLD MY SHIT AND READY TO DIVE INTO SOME HEAVY REAL MAN SHIT!!! NO MAS, COMPADRE' NO MAS...... THE LAST THING I RECALL WAS THE BOTTOM OF THAT PIT OF HELL THAT WAS A ROUTE 44 SIZED SHIT BOMB, AND IT WAS NITE NITE NIGGA, NITE NITE!!!!! I CAME TO WITH THE TELLA-TUBE BLASTIN' MORMON PORN IN MY DOME-PIECE AND LAYING FACE DOWN WITH NOTHING BUT MY SKIVY'S ON.. THE HOUSE SMELLING LIKE A SOLID WASTE TREATMENT PLANT AND A STRIPPER'S BACK STAGE TOILET, YOU KNOW THE "CHAMPAGNE ROOM"...(CONSCIOUS).. OH MY GOD DUDE, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?? WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES??? AND WHY ARE YOU ALL ORANGE AND SHIT?? DID CHESTER CHEEETA' AND HIS GOONS JUST TAKE YOUR BUTT VIRGINITY??..(PANIC FRENZY ME).. REMEMBER, RECALL, DO EFFING SOMETHING BESIDES ACT LIKE A CARTOON RAPE VICTIM JUST COMING OFF A BAD ACID TRIP OUT OF FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS!!!( THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKE) GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER QUICK LIKE!! STAGE A ROBBERY OF THE HOUSE, KICK THE DOOR OFF THE HINGES, DO SOMETHING!!!! YOU REALLY BURNT THE SHIT OUT OF THIS BRIDGE HOME SKILLET!! "AND KISS MY ASS CONSCIOUS!! ALL OF IT" BUT THERE WAS NO PLAN TO BE HAD... NUTHIN'..... FAILED AT LIFE PART 1 COMPLETE.. CONSCIOUS 1, TOM TOM ZERO... FUCK...

PARENTLY' I WAS A WEAK SAUCE BITCH AND BLACKED OUT BUT DIDN'T.. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.?? YOU KEEP DRINKING EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE ASSED OUT.. YEA, THAT WAS ME.... I TOTALLY OWNED EVERY LAST DROP OF MY DEATH SAUCE, AND IN TURN IT OWNED MY UNCLE'S WHOLE LIVING ROOM.. AND THIS PIC IS ABOUT AS CLOSE TO ACCURATE AS I CAN FIND.... OH MAN.... I WAS NERVOUS, MY UNCLE IS COOL AS AN ICE FACTORY BUT I REALLY FUCKED HIS HOUSE ALL THE WAY UP!! BEFORE I COULD START CLEANING WHAT SO EVER, BOOM........ UNC' ROLLS THE SCALLY WAG' OUT THE DUNGEON OF DOOM,

DOES NOT TAKE HER HOME, BUT CALLS THAT BITCH A CAB "DOESN'T PAY FOR IT!! GANGSTER AS SHIT B!!!!" AND CLOSES THE DOOR.. I'M THINKING MY SHIT IS TOTALLY GONNA GET HAZED!!! HARD AS SHIT!!! LOOKS AROUND, LOOKS AT ME.... SMILES.... AND GOES BACK TO BED...... DAMN..... ALL I COULD THINK WAS, " I THINK SKANK-O-POTOMUS JUST TOTALLY SAVED MY ASS.." THANKS HOE-STROE YOUR NEXT "BANGER" OF METH IS ON BIG TOM-DOG!! BET ON IT!! I SPIT-SHINED MY UNCLE'S WHOLE HOUSE, WASHED HIS CAR AND CUT THE YARD.. AND FELT LIKE UTTER SHIT BALLZ' DOING IT... BUT THEIR WAS NEVER A WORD SAID ABOUT.. NOT EVEN TO THIS DAY..I KNOW WE ALL WISH WE HAD A FOR-REAL-ASS-NINJA LIKE THIS TO HOLD US UP WHEN WE WERE YOUNG AND LIMITLESS.. I DID, AND I AM TOTALLY THANKFUL FOR THE EDUCATION IN LIFE THAT HE BESTOWED ON ME..NO MATTER HOW BAD THAT SHIT HURT... AND IT HURT FOR LIKE A MONTH.. I STILL CRINGE THINKING ABOUT IT...

NOW 2012, THE DRINKING GAME HASN'T CHANGED THAT MUCH.. JUST MORE VARIETY.. ALL OF THESE DRINKS LIKE SMIRNOFF ICE AND SHIT ARE RUNNING RAMPIDE.. MIKE'S HARD VAGINA'AIDE HAS NO BUSINESS ON NFL COMMERCIALS, JACK DANIEL'S COUNTRY ASS QUENCHER SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE SPONSORSHIP. THESE KINDS OF "BEVERAGES" SHOULD BE GATHERED UP BY THE WAR DEPARTMENT, MIXED TOGETHER AND USED AS NAPALM OVER THE MIDDLE EAST.. (MINUS JERUSALEM.. THAT'S GOD'S PEOPLE). EVEN AS GIRLY AS THIS SHIT SAUCE IS, IT WOULD BRING TONS OF "M-A-N" TO ALL THOSE BOTTOM FEEDING TERRORISTS!! YOU WANT TO WEAR DRESSES AND SHIT HAK'MED??? WELL HERE YOU GO!!! BLAMO!!! OUR BOYS IN COMBAT COULD PROLLY GET A FIGHT WORTH WRITING COMIC BOOKS AFTER.. BEER AND BOOZE ONLY NATION PLEASE... THX AND THAT IS ALL!! OH, AND IF I EVER GET FUCKING ICE'D AGAIN, I WILL GO OUT TO MY CAR AND POP DA' TRUNK ON- YA' PUNK ASS!!( KEV' HART).. MY FAVE!!

I AM SURE EVERYONE WHO HAS HAD A BREATH OF OXYGEN CAN RELATE TO THIS STORY.. AS ALWAYS 100% TRUE AS SHIT.. MORAL OF THE STORY..... IF YOU ARE A MAN, DON'T DRINK THIS HORSE PISS!!! IF YOU GET ICED'..... BE A MAN, PAY YOUR DUES, AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS IN PUBLIC ALL THE DIRTY SECRETS THEIR MOTHER'S ARE HIDING FROM THEM......(LIKE YOUR DADDY IS REALLY THE MILK MAN TYPE SHIT) ITS ONLY FAIR... BUT IF YOU MUST DRINK SOME TYPE OF "MALTY FLAVORED GUTTER JUICE" AT LEAST MAKE IT WORTH THE STORY.....

FOUR LOCO'S SON!!!

WOW, THIS SHIT IS SO BAD I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT ON THIS BLOG.. I THINK IT'S ILLEGAL TO SPEAK OF IT ON THE ENTRO'WEBZ... THIS SHIT IS THE ILLIEST, MOST HARD CORE TERRORIST JUNGLE TOXIN EVER MADE!!! 11% THIS PIC DOES IT NO JUSTICE.. BUT YOU GET THE IDEA. "AIN'T THAT RIGHT DAVEY'BOY SCHNAAK!!! BUT THAT A WHOLE'NUTHER ADVENTURE..

AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR READING TIL' NEXT TIME.....

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

The body is an amazing thing....NOW PULL THIS PIECE OVER BERFORE I GET BOOTY MUD ALL OVER YOUR NICE NEW LEATHER!!

AGAIN, IF YOU FORGOT..... THIS IS ME.. AND AGAIN, PROLLY THE MOST AWESOMEST' OPERATOR YOU WILL RUN INTO IN ABOUT 3 SECONDS ON THE ENTRO'WEB...  THX FOR THE LOVE IN ADVANCE. AND AS ALWAYS I CAN SEND OUT THE PICS WITH SIGNATURE'S TO FANS AT A LOW LOW COST.. CALL FOR DETAILS..  SO I CAME UP WITH THIS LITTLE WRITE-UP BECAUSE IT MOSTLY PERTAINS TO ME AND MY TRIALS WITH DAILY LIFE.  BUT IN SAYING THAT,  I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED TO EVERYONE AT LEAST 20 TIMES IN THEIR LIVES.  AND ALL 20 OF THOSE EXPERIENCES WERE SO HORRIFYING THAT THEY SHAPED HOW YOU "SHOOT, MOVE AND COMMUNICATE" FOR THE REST OF YOU EXISTENCE!!  SO HERE IT IS...

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE I HAVE HAD TO BE IN A DEAD BALLS SPRINT FOR A BATHROOM, I.E. "CRAPPER" LOL.... ITS SO FUNNY BUT SO EFF-ING SERIOUS ALL AT ONCE..  YOU HAVE NEVER HAD AN ON-SET OF PANIC, HIGH FEVER, STAMINA, ADRENALINE, FEAR AND EMBARRASSMENT ALL IN THE SPAN OF 5 SECONDS IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE..  AND OH GOD PLEASE DON'T BE ON A DATE OR TRYING TO BE SWAGGERIFIC TO A CHICKA' CAUSE GUESS WHAT???..... THE DATE JUST FUCKING ENDED!!! LOL..  IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN UNDER ATTACK BY THIS TERRORIST PLOT ORCHESTRATED BY YOUR LIL' BOOTY HOLE TROLL YOU CAN CERTAINLY FEEL MY PAIN AND KNOW WHY I HAVE BECOME SOMEWHAT OF A DOOM'S DAY PREPPER WHEN IT COMES TO PUBLIC RESTROOMS AND RANDOM PUBLIC VENUES.  YOU WILL, AS I DO, FIND YOURSELF REACHING FOR YOUR FAITH AND PRAYING FOR THE LORD'S SAVING GRACE AT THIS POINT OF YOUR DAY..  I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BLOG SPACE TO WRITE ABOUT ALL OF MY EPISODES BUT I WILL SHARE WITH YOU SOME OF MY......UUMMMM GREATER SAVES AND SUPER CLOSE CALLS..

SO AROUND SPRING/SUMMER OF 2000, I WAS LIVING AROUND PALM SPRINGS, CA.. BEING SINGLE AND LIVING UP THE CALI SCENE, I MET A LIFE GUARD, WE WILL CALL HER "SWIM FAN".  BACK THEN IT WAS SUPER EASY TO LOOK UBER IN-SHAPE AND I CARRIED MYSELF AS SUCH..  TONS OF SUPPLEMENTS, TONS OF BOOZE AND TONS OF GYM TIME. SO IT WAS EASY TO SAY THAT SHE WAS INTERESTED... YOU WOULD TO IF YOU LOOKED AS JACKED AS SHIT LIKE ME!!!!            

SO AS SMOOTH AND HOT BUTTER ON TOAST, I FLEXED AS HARD AS I COULD, DID A BEER BONG SHOOTER, " CAUSE THATS WHAT THE EFF YOU DID IN 2000 AT THE POOL SON!!" AND ASKED SWIM FAN OUT ON A DATE.. RESULTS:  TOTAL FUCKING SCORE!!  BOOM!   I AM TOTALLY PUMPED, BUST UP OUT THE POOL AN HOUR LATER, GOT TO MY APARTMENT AND PREP FOR THE GYM..  PRE-PREP GYM RITUAL IN 2000,  INGEST AS MUCH SUPPS AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, HOLD BACK THE PUKE FOR 20 "MIKES"  THAT'S MINUTES FOLKS, AND HEAD TO THE WEIGHT PILE.. AT THIS MOMENT.... NO WORRIES... WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE FUNNIEST, WORST BLOW TO MY SUPER HUMAN EGO TO THAT DATE!

SO GYM'S DONE, BODY THRASHING COMPLETE. WHAT TIME IS IT??  TIME FOR A RETARDED AMOUNT OF PROTEIN... 100 GRAM SUPER SHAKE FROM THE SMOOTHIE KING.. I THINK IT WAS CALLED THE INCREDIBLE HULK OR SOME SILLY SHIT.. OH, IT WAS INCREDIBLE AND HULKY ALRIGHT!!  I GET BACK TO THE APARTMENT, FEELING LIKE I'M GONNA DIE, AND SIT COMPLETELY STILL FOR A GOOD HOUR HOPING I CAN KEEP ALL THIS MADNESS DOWN ASSURING MYSELF THAT MY MIND, BODY AND EGO ARE GROWING BY THE SECOND.. WHO KNEW THAT DOOM WAS GROWNING IN MY GULLET.. NOT ME THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE..  AN HOUR LATER I FEEL THAT IT IS SAFE TO MOVE, I GLIDE TO THE BEDROOM TO GET READY......  LET THE CONQUEST BEGIN.. MY EGO SAY'S "SWIM FAN" HAS NO CHANCE, MY BOOTY DOO SAY'S THAT IT WILL RULE THE DAY..... IF I WOULD HAVE ONLY KNOWN IN ADVANCE... EFF-NG AAA COTTON, EFF-NG A!!! 

  D-DAY IS HERE, I AM FRESH DRESS LIKE A MILLION BUCKS...(SNOOP DOGG) PRESSED DOWN, "NOT REALLY" BUT DEF. GOT MY SOUTHERN CALI SWAG GOING HARD AT THE MOMENT.  CARGO SHORTS, SMEE'DIUM POLO, AND FLIPPY FLOPPIES!! MONEY IN THE BANK.. SIDE BAR....  BEING IN THE MILITARY AND THE INFANTRY YOU RARELY WEAR SKIVIES... OR UNDERWEAR FOR MY PEEPS THAT AREN'T IN THE KNOW. BUT FOR WHATEVER REASON I DECIDED TO ROCK A PAIR OF BOXERS.. I GUESS I WAS FEELING LIKE I NEEDED TO BE PRUDISH, OR POLITE, WHAT EVER THE CASE, I HAD THEM ON FOR THIS DATE WITH DESTINY...."THANK CHRIST" 

SO I PICK UP SWIM FAN, GET ON THE HIGHWAY AND MOVE TO THE FINAL DESTINATION.. P.F. CHANG'S!!  MY FAVE SPOT!!  INDA' WERLD!!!  SHE IS TALKING ABOUT NOTHING IMPORTANT, TO ME IT SOUNDS LIKE CHARLIE BROWN'S SCHOOL TEACHER.. YOU CAN TELL I AM REALLY INTO HER INTELLECTUAL SIDE... MY EGO KEEPS TALKING TO ME... REMEMBER, CONQUEST!!! ALL ABOUT THE NUMBERS...IMPRESS, IMPRESS, IMPRESS.. PROMISE EVERYTHING, GIVE NOTHING!!! I FELT LIKE A VIKING OR SPARTAN WARRIOR OR SOMETHING...  ONLY THING IN MY MIND...  WIN THE GAME, ITS ALL ABOUT SLANGIN' DICK AND PAYIN' CHILD SUPPORT!!!!BLAHAHA!!!  AND THEN IT HAPPENED...

I RECEIVED THE MOST INTENSE STAB TO MY GUT I HAD EVER EXPERIENCED TO DATE.. THIS PIC ABOVE CAN'T EVEN COMPARE, BUT TO PUT THIS INTO PERSPECTIVE, ITS THE BEST I CAN DO.. I MEAN, IT HIT ME SO HARD, I SWERVED AND ALMOST CRASHED MY SWEET ASS HONDA ACCORD COUPE.. I KNEW THEN THAT THIS WOULD BE THE BIGGEST TEST/CHALLENGE I WOULD EVER ENDURE.. FEAR FACTOR DIDN'T HAVE SHIT ON ME CAUSE' I WAS FUCKING AFRAID!!!  MY EGO WAS TALKING TO ME ALL CALM AND SHIT, " YOU GOT THIS BRO, YOU'RE THE EFFING MAN HOMBRE'  BE COOL AND WHEN WE GET TO THE RESTAURANT, RELEASE THE DEMONS, CHECK BACK INTO THE GAME, COMPLETE THE MISSION,AND RAVE TO YOUR BRO'S ABOUT THE CONQUEST YOU HAD WITH SWIM FAN."  MY CONSCIOUS ON THE OTHER HAND, WAS TELLING ME THAT THE GIG WAS FUCKING UP, TURN THIS FUCKER AROUND CAUSE IT AIN'T IN THE CARDS BOSS MAN!!  YOUR FAILURE IS WELL IN HAND!!!  YOU WILL NOT FINISH THE RACE!!  WELL, LIKE EVERY MAN THAT WILL REFUSE TO ADMIT TO HIS WIFE THAT HE IS LOST ON A ROAD TRIP, THIS WAS NO DIFFERENT...  MY CONSCIOUS COULD EAT A BIG FAT ONE CAUSE I WOULD SUCCEED...  GO STRAIGHT TO HELL CONSCIOUS, I RUN THE FUCKING SHOW AROUND HERE!!! I'M IN FUCKING COMMAND!!!



I COMPOSE MYSELF AND GET MY WHIP' BACK ON THE ROAD... SWIM FAN, " ARE YOU OK?"  YEA I'M COOL, JUST CAUGHT A CRAMP OR SOMETHING.. HAD A HARD SESSION IN THE GYM TODAY.. MAX OUT DAY YOU KNOW.....  4 PLATES ON EACH SIDE, GOT THAT SHIT 3 TIMES... JUST SAYIN'..  AND THEN I FEEL THE SWEAT.....  THAT'S THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO NOTICE WHEN TRYING TO FIGHT OFF THE DOODY MONSTER FOR 5 MORE MILES... NO, NO,NO !!!!  NOT THE SWEATS!!!!  THINGS IN MY LIFE ARE GETTING REALLY FUCKING BAD..  I START TO BREAK OUT INTO SWEATS.. AND I DON'T MEAN JUST A COUPLE OF DOTS ON YO 4-HEAD.. I MEAN NIAGARA FUCKING FALLS SWEATS....  SWIM FAN IS STARTING TO GET NERVOUS BECAUSE ALL TALKING HAS STOPPED, UTTER FUCKING SILENCE..  I HIT THE PARKING LOT, HIT THE E-BRAKE, JAM IT IN PARK AND SNATCH THIS BROAD OUT THA' CAR!! SHE NOW LOOKS VISABLY SHAKEN.  LIKE A BATTERED WOMAN GETTING DROPPED OFF AT THE WOMEN'S SHELTER OR SOMETHING. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A FROG'S ASS BEING WATER TIGHT?? CAN YOU VISUALIZE WHAT THAT MIGHT LOOK LIKE UP CLOSE?? WELL, I WAS CLENCHED UP LIKE A NEWBIE IN THE SHOWERS OF CELL BLOCK 4 SON!!! NOTHING IN OR OUT!! OR SO I THOUGHT... 

WE MAKE IT TO THE LAST 300 YARDS OF THE BOARD WALK.. DEAD SILENCE, NO JIBBER JABBER RIGHT NOW BITCH!!! IM UNDER SERIOUS PRESSURE HERE!! BEFORE I KNOW IT, I UNCONSCIOUSLY LOOK UP AND SEE A SIGN OFF TO THE RIGHT....

I THINK I WENT INTO BLACK OUT DRIVE OR SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, BUT I DITCHED SWIM FAN AND WENT INTO A FULL DEAD BALL SPRINT!!  WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I COULD FLY, I MEAN LIKE FUCKING IRON MAN!!  IF OLYMPIC SCOUTS WOULD HAVE BEEN ON THE RIVER WALK THAT DAY, THEY WOULD CONFIRM THAT USAIN BOLT COULDN'T CARRY MY JOCK STRAP!!  AND OH BY THE WAY, I WAS LOOKING LIKE A 2 YEAR OLD GRABBING HIS ASS TELLING HIS MOMMY "POOPY!!"

I HIT THE DOOR PRAYING THAT THIS TOILET WASN'T TRASHED.. I HAVE SUCH A PROBLEM WITH NASTY BATHROOMS.. I'M SURE ALL OF YOU DO TOO..  THE DOOR SWINGS WILDLY,... ONE STALL, AWW FUCK, BELT IS STUCK SOME HOW ON THE ELASTIC BAND OF MY BOXERS....WHAT THA' FUCK!!!!!  RIPPPPPPP!!!!  BOXERS NO LONGER WEARABLE.... YES!!!!!  DOOM'S DAY AVERTED... WE MADE IT.. THANK GOD!!  NOW LET THE JACKSON POLLOCK ABSTRACT PAINTING BEGIN!!.  SO AS I SIT THERE REFLECTING ON ALL THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING I JUST WENT THROUGH, I START TO THINK ABOUT WHAT KIND OF VISUAL I JUST LEFT SWIM FAN WITH.. I COULDN'T HELP BUT LAUGH AND ALMOST CRY AT THE FACT THAT WITHOUT A DOUBT THE CONQUEST WOULD NEVER HAPPEN..  I WOULD HAVE TO #1 LIE TO MY BOYS AND HOPE THAT I WAS NEVER FOUND OUT, OR #2 TRUTH UP AND BE A MAN, GET LAUGHED AT AND LAUGH AT MYSELF.. I WENT WITH #2 AND CRIED WITH MY BOY'S FOR A WEEK OVER MY FLUB..  THE LAST BIG FUCK YOU I RECEIVED WAS WHILE I WAS FINISHING UP, AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT..... NO EFF-ING TP!!!!! MOTHA' FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHY ME!!!  ALL I COULD THINK OF AT THE TIME WAS MARSELLUS WALLACE LOOKIN' AT ME SAYING, "THAT'S PRIDE FUCKIN' WIT YA"

FINALLY I HAD GIVEN UP ALL HOPES OF SALVAGING THE EVENING.. I DON'T THINK I COULD LOOK AT SWIM FAN IN THE EYES AND TELL HER THE TRUTH... THAT I HAD OVERLOADED MY POOR BODY WITH SUPP'S AND WORKOUT AWESOMENESS IN HOPES OF ADDING ANOTHER NOTCH TO THE OLE' BELT.. WHAT A CLOWN I WAS.... SHE DID HOWEVER SAVE ME WHAT LITTLE EGO I HAD LEFT BY DITCHING ME BEFORE I COULD GET FINISHED WITH MY EXORCISM..LOL..  I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN, REALLY, NOT EVEN AT THE POOL.  CRAZY HOW THINGS WORKOUT I GUESS. I LEARNED A FEW THINGS THAT DAY...  NEVER OVERLOAD ON SUPP'S PRIOR TO A POSSIBLE HAYDAY WITH A RANDOM, FUCK SMOOTHIE KING AND THEIR INCREDIBLE FUCK YOU UP SUPER SHAKE, AND NEVER LISTEN TO YOUR EGO WHEN YOUR CONSCIOUS SAYS OTHER WISE.. I HAVE LEARNED THAT YOUR CONSCIOUS IS GOD REACHING OUT TO YOU AND TRYING HIS BEST TO SAVE YOU A LITTLE FACE.. 

I AM SURE YOU ALL HAVE LIVED A SIMILAR STORY.. I HAVE HAD OTHER OCCURRENCES BUT NONE AS EDUCATING AS THIS ONE. MY WIFE AND I LAUGH AT MY RANDOM PROBLEMS IN PUBLIC PLACES BECAUSE IN THE END, THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DO.... LAUGH... FOR ALL WHO READ THIS, I HOPE IT BRIGHTENS YOUR DAY.. IT DAMN SURE MAKES ME LAUGH AT HOW DUMB I REALLY WAS WHEN I WAS A YOUNG THUNDERCAT!!! UNTIL NEXT TIME.....

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!