THANKSGIVING-TURKEY-TEQUILLA

THIS EPIC FAIL BEGINS CIRCA 1999, THANKSGIVING TIME WHEN I LIVED IN A SHIT HOLE DESERT CALLED 29 PALMS.. SOME OF YOU MIGHT KNOW THE PLACE. OTHERS MIGHT THINK, "WOW, SOUNDS LIKE A TROPICAL PARADISE." YOU WOULD BE WAY EFFING WRONG HOMEY!! THIS PLACE LITERALLY HAD 29 PALM TREES AND ZERO WILD TURKEYS.. WELL, MANY BOTTLES OF WILD TURKEY BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.  I WAS STATIONED HERE WHEN I FIRST CAME INTO THE MILITARY. BEING THAT I WAS SO FAR AWAY FROM HOME, I USUALLY DIDN'T GO HOME UNTIL BIG HOLIDAYS CAME AROUND LIKE CHRISTMAS, NEW YEARS, ETC.. I LOVE THANKSGIVING AND ITS MY FAV' BUT THE MILITARY ONLY GIVES YOU AN EXTENDED WEEKEND.  SO I HAD TO STAY AROUND TOWN.. HERE I AM IN THE FAIR TOWN OF 29 PALMS...

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS KIDDING.. SO MY GUNNERY SERGEANT, OR "GUNNY"  (HE WAS MY BOSS) HAD ALL OF HIS GUYS OVER TO HIS HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING."GUNNY" AND HIS WIFE KAREN COULD REALLY PUT ON A SPREAD.  BUT EVERY TIME WE WOULD GO OVER TO HIS HOUSE IT WAS A DRINKING CONTEST OF THE WORST SHIT EVER.. "GUNNY" WAS AND OLD CRUSTY TERD AND WEIGHED ABOUT AS MUCH AS A WET TERD BUT WE RESPECTED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. SO ME, BLOTTER, "THUNDER"DAN AND THE "MC" PLAYED HIS GAME..  HERE IS AN ALMOST ACCURATE DEPICTION OF GUNNY..

AND YES THIS IS MOSTLY HOW WE COMMUNICATED EVEN ON HOLIDAYS.. IT WAS ALWAYS  INTENSE AS SHIT!! EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SHIT HOUSED..  SO THERE WERE 3 THINGS EVER ALLOWED IN GUNNY HOUSE.  AND THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE THE MOST GUT WRENCHING MONSTER PISS KNOWN TO MAN.. COOR'S.. (NOT THE LIGHT SHIT EITHER)  BUSH MILLS (CHEAPEST PLASTIC BOTTLE WHISKEY FOR SALE) AND STANK ASS TEQUILA.. IF YOU BROUGHT ANYTHING ELSE INTO HIS HOME HE WOULD LITERALLY DICK PUNCH YOU AND TELL YOU TO.....

TRY AGAIN SWEETHEART!!!

FOR ALL MY FEMALE READERS OUT THERE "DICK PUNCHES" ARE THE WORST!! EVEN FOR BEARS...

SO JUMP TO THANKSGIVING DINNER, WE EAT AT 5 BUT WE HAVE BEEN DRINKING SINCE 11. PROLLY THE WRONG SONG TO BE JAMMING TO BUT WE DID IT NONE-THE-LESS.. WE ARE POUNDING COOR'S... AND SHOOTING SHIT ASS WHISKEY ON 15 MIN. INTERVALS.. I AM COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED BUT SOME HOW STILL ON MY GRIND... ALL OF MY BOYS ARE RIGHT THERE WITH ME AND SHIT IS GETTING DEEP... WHAT ABOUT "GUNNY" YOU ASK? HE HAS NOT FLINCHED ONCE.. EGO: THIS GUY IS A FUCKING CYBORG!!!! SHOW US THE WAY TO GREATNESS OH WISE ONE!!" ME:  HELP!! I'M ASDK*#(%&#%!! CONSCIOUS:  BAIL NOW!! BAIL NOW!! CUZ I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU JUST TRIED TO SAY!!! AT THIS POINT I HAVE COMPLETELY CHECKED OUT OF THE GAME AND EGO IS BEING DRAGGED TO THE DINNER TABLE BY THIS WRETCH OF A ROLE MODEL!! I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY HE WAS A MACHINE!!

APPARENTLY WE ALL SAT DOWN, SAID A PRAYER, WHICH I THINK IS HILARIOUS, AND BEGAN TO EAT.. AND EAT WE DID.. ALL OF IT.. AND I DON'T REMEMBER NOR RECALL TASTING ANY OF IT.. THE ONLY FLASHES THAT I GET TO THIS VERY DAY IS THAT DEATH CLOCK EVERY TIME IT WOULD RING ON THE 15 MINUTE MARK.. IT WOULD WAKE ME FROM MY BLACK OUT LONG ENOUGH FOR ANOTHER SHOT.

WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE NOR DID EGO FAIL TO MENTION IS THAT WE HAD RAN OUT OF WHISKEY.... THE COOR'S WERE FLOWING AT FULL CAPACITY AND "CYBORG GUNNY" HAD JUST CRACKED OPEN MY DEATH SENTENCE... OR EGO'S DEATH SENTENCE.. EITHER WAY I WAS TOTALLY FUCKED 6 WAYS FROM SUNDAY WITH NO HELP TO BE FOUND.. THE FUNNIEST PART ABOUT ALL OF THIS WAS AT THE TIME I WAS DATING A GIRL FROM MARYLAND AND SHE HAD FLOWN IN... WELL, I FAILED TO MENTION HER BECAUSE SHE HAS ONE PART IN THE STORY..... SHE LEFT BY HOUR 2 AND I HAVE NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN!!!! TALK ABOUT A HAPPY TURKEY DAY FOR HER..  THE ONLY FLASH OF MEMORY FOR THE NEXT 7 HOURS CONSISTED OF THIS..

TOTAL DARKNESS... THE ONLY THING THAT REMAINS IS THAT SUDDEN WAKE-UP YOU GET WHEN ALL THINGS IN YOUR BODY GO COMPLETELY WRONG AS SHIT AND IT MUST COME OUT!!!  MY GUT HAD ME WIDE ASS AWAKE AT PROLLY 9 AT NIGHT BASED OFF THE DESERT HEAT, AND DOING THE MAD DASH FOR WHAT I THOUGH WAS A CLEAR ESCAPE ROUTE AT AND THROUGH THE DOOR....

I OPEN THE DOOR AS FAST AND HARD AS I CAN AND MY BELLY ERUPTED IN THE WORST POSSIBLE PLACE... POOR, POOR SWEET LITTLE KAREN  HAD STEPPED IN FRONT OF THE DOOR AT THE SAME TIME AND GOT THE PRIVILEGE OF WEARING MY THANKSGIVING TURKEY TEQUILA.... I WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY, COVERED IN SAND AND YAK IN GUNNY AND KAREN'S DESERT FRONT YARD.. ITS WAS 11:20 IN THE MORNING.. SHE LOOKED AT ME, SMILED AND TOLD ME THAT I HAD RUINED HER SWEATER WITH THANKSGIVING DINNER.  THEN SHE SPRAYED MY PUKE JUICE OFF OF ME WITH A WATER HOSE AND LET ME DRY OUT IN THE DESERT NIGHT.. WHAT A SWEET WOMAN.. AND ALL I COULD SAY TO HER WAS..

GUNNY JUST LAUGHED AT ME, CALLED ME A WEAK ASS BITCH AND SAID I WILL SEE YA ON TUESDAY.. GOD BLESS THEM BOTH... THIS IS THE TRUE DEFINITION OF TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK.. I THINK ITS PROLLY ONE OF MY TOP 5 EPIC FAILS EVER.. ITS JUST SO UNFORGETTABLE YET FORGETTABLE ALL AT THE SAME TIME.. FOR ALL MY READERS OUT THERE THINK BEFORE YOU DRINK AND THINK EFFING TWICE BEFORE YOU MIX THANKSGIVING , TURKEY AND TEQUILA..

AS ALWAYS, 100% TRUE AS SHIT!! TIL NEXT TIME...

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

- SONZ OF DADZ PRODUCTION-