Turn that "ISH" UP!! Thats my JAM!!! wait... what do you mean that's Justin Bieber!?!? SHIT!!

SO MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE I GET PHOTOGRAPHED DOING SHIT LIKE THIS.... MOST WOULD CONSIDER THIS THROWING UP MY "SET" OR STRAIGHT GANG-BANGIN' WITH MY OWN GANG SIGNS.... NOT THE CASE..... IN FACT THIS IS ME BUSTIN' MY BEST DANCE STEPS ON ABDC..... OR AMERICA'S BEST DANCE CREW!!  THAT'S RIGHT SON!!!! I GO HARD AS SHIT!! YOU MIGHT WONDER WHERE THE REST OF MY CREW IS, OR MY POST-BREAK DANCE INTERVIEW WITH A.C. SLATER... WELL, IT AIN'T HERE HOMBRE'  CUZ' NONE OF THAT MATTERS.. IT ALL ABOUT ME, MY SET AND MY SWEET ASS MOVES!!! EVERY BODY ELSE IS JUST SECOND FIDDLE.. WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY LOVE FOR ALMOST ALL MUSIC AND PROLLY THE FIRST TIME I REALLY FAILED AT LIFE IN PUBLIC...  I JUST HATE WHEN I GET BUSTED SINGING OR JAMMIN' TO THE WRONG ASS SONGS AT THE WRONG ASS TIME..........I AM FINDING OUT THAT I HAVE A LIFE LONG BATTLE RAGING BETWEEN MY EGO AND MY CONSCIOUS AND I'M STUCK IN THE MIDDLE.... ME AND "EGO" ARE LOSING BADLY...... DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL CONSCIOUS!!

JUST TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT... HERE ARE PICS OF ME SINGING AND DOING WRONG ASS SHIT AND GETTING CAUGHT DOING IT....

- ME CAUGHT BRINGING "SEXY BACK"...

ME AND MY CREW TELLING EVERYONE, " BYE BYE BYE........"

                    

                                                               "BIG WHEELS KEEP ON TURNIN"

"KID AND FUCKING PLAY!"

TRUST ME THERE ARE WAY MORE OF THESE BUT I CAN'T EMBARRASS MY WIFE WITH ANYMORE OF MY SHORT COMINGS....AT LEAST NOT TODAY..  SO THE BEGINNING OF THE END STARTED FOR ME PROLLY AROUND JUNIOR HIGH... I'M OLD AS SHIT NOW SO THE TRENDING GROUP WAS NKOTB.... I REALLY EFFING HATED THESE TOOL BAGS, AND BLAME "CONSCIOUS" FOR ME KNOWING THEIR SHIT WITHOUT BEING AWARE OF KNOWING THEIR SHIT!!. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN??  LET ME EXPLAIN...BACK IN THE STONE AGE, WE USED TO REALLY MAKE HARD AS SHIT MIX "DUB" TAPES... I MEAN THE ONES FROM YOUR HI-FI TAPE DECK...

BOOM!!! HIT PLAY AND RECORD AT THE SAME TIME AND YOU HAVE YOURSELF SOME SWEET RADIO SHIT!! BAD PART ABOUT IT IS THAT YOU GET SHITTY "B" SIDE SONGS TOO.. IT JUST TOOK TOO MUCH EFFORT TO GET UP AND "PAUSE" EDIT YOUR MASTER MIX.. SO YOU JUST SUCK IT UP.. WITH SUCKING IT UP FACTOR ENGAGED COMES REALLY SHITTY RADIO SHOW TUNES.. AND MINE JUST HAPPENED TO BE

PLEASE DON'T GO GIRRRRLLL..

FROM THESE HOMO'S..................

 WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THIS "PRE-TEEN" SLOW JAM SHIT-BOMB WAS ON MY DUB TAPE MASTERPIECE I SWEAR!!! NON-THE-LESS IT WAS THERE.  WELL, I GUESS WHEN I WOULD FALL ASLEEP IT WOULD COME ON AND "CONSCIOUS" WOULD COMMIT THE TUNE TO MEMORY..(ASS) MY DOOM IS TOTALLY SEALED... ITS EVEN WORSE WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW IT OR NEVER SEE IT COMING.. FAST FORWARD 3 WEEKS, AND THE BIG EVENT WAS THE SCHOOL DANCE..  THIS WAS A BIG DEAL BACK IN THE DAY CUZ' ITS WHEN YOU GOT TO PUT ALL YOUR PRACTICE AND SKILLS TO WORK.. AND FOR THE RECORD, I WAS A DANCE MASTER!! STILL AM......KINDA..

THE DANCE IS GOING HARD.. I'M IN THE CIRCLE KILLIN' IT!!  RUNNING MAN, VANILLA ICE, ROGER RABBIT.... THE WORX!!!! AND ALL THE FLY HONEY DIPS ARE LOVIN IT!! GO WHITE BOY, GO WHITE BOY, GO WHITE BOY!!!  EGO, "DAMN TOM TOM, YOU ARE KING!! YOU ARE KILLIN IT!! ALL THE JV HONEY'S WANT YOU AT 1ST BASE WITH THEM!!"  I'M SUPER PUMPED!! I'M GONNA HAVE MY PICK, HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT THE SHIT OUT OF IT TOO.. BAM, THE LIGHTS GO DIM... SLOW JAM NEXT.. ALL THE GIRLS ARE LINING UP.. MY TARGET.."MELANIE"  BOOM!! EGO, "YOU ARE IN THERE LIKE SWIM WEAR, 1ST BASE WITHOUT A DOUBT COMPADRE'.. AND WE HAVE A HUGE LEAD OFF THE 1ST BASE BAG....MONEY!!"

I AM SO CAUGHT IN THIS MOMENT OF "AWESOMENESS" THAT I KINDA HYPNOTIZE MYSELF..  I'VE GOT MY SLOW DANCE GOING STRONG BUT FAIL TO REALIZE THE SONG BEING PLAYED.... BUT SHITTY ASS "CONSCIOUS" DOES... AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE DJ CLOWN SAUCE ON THE 1'S AND 2'S SEES WHATS ABOUT TO GO DOWN..(ASSHOLE).. I'M IN THE MOMENT...... ENGAGE CONSCIOUS.... 

PLEASE DON'T GO GIIRRRRLLLL!!!

COMES BELTING OUT OF MY MOUTH!!! "CONSCIOUS" BLAHAHAH!! "GOTCHO' PUNK ASS!!!" AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE.. THE DJ HIT THE MUTE BUTTON ON MY TUNE CARRYING ASS!!(FUCKING DICK)  THE WHOLE DANCE FLOOR IS LOOKING AT ME IN SHOCK AND I IMMEDIATELY GET MOCKED THE REST OF THE NIGHT BY EVERYBODY... EVEN THE TEACHERS!! DOESN'T THAT CONSTITUTE AS EMOTIONAL ABUSE??? WHAT CAN YOU DO?? THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO.. EXIT STAGE EFFING LEFT!!! CONSCIOUS 1.... TOM TOM & "EGO" ZIP....   FUCK..

FAST FORWARD A MILLION YEARS, AND NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED.. I GUESS ITS JUST MY DESTINY TO GET CAUGHT IN THESE POSITIONS OF WEAKNESS ON A REGULAR ASS BASIS.. I JUST CAN'T GET AWAY FROM THA' SHIT.. I MEAN MY WIFE EVEN GETS ME DOIN' THIS SHIT.. FOR INSTANCE.... AS STATED IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS PARODY, I'M WATCHIN' THE NEW SEASON OF "ABDC" HOPING THAT I WILL GET SOME SWEET DANCE MOVES FROM THE JABBA WALKIES.... THESE DUDES KILL IT ALL DAY ERY'DAY.. FOR REALLA'..   THEY START PLAYIN' MY NEW JAM THAT'S BEEN GOING HARD ON THE RADIO... ME AND "EGO" HAVE BEEN BANGIN' IT HARD IN THE TRUCK.. OLE' A.C. SLATER QUE'S UP SAID TUNE AND MY OLD ASS STARTS TWERK-O-LATING IN MY RECLINER AND FIST PUMPING!!  OHHHHH SHIT!!!! LACEY TURN THAT SHIT UP!!! THAT'S MY JIZZ-AMM!!  I GET THIS LOOK....... 

I LOOK BACK AT HER MAD AS SHIT AND OFFENDED CUZ' I AM BEING IMMEDIATELY JUDGED...  SO, I'M LIKE, "WTF, YOU DON'T LIKE CHRIS BREEZY'S NEW JOINT!!!??"  WIFEY; " NAH, CHRIS BROWN GOES SUPER HARD, BUT I'M NOT REALLY FEELIN' JUSTIN BIEBER.."  ME; WAIT... WHAT DID YOU SAY??" WIFEY, "YEP, YOU ARE GETTIN' PUMPED UP WITH THE BEEB'S"  FML!!!! NOT AGAIN.....

CONSCIOUS 2..... TOM TOM & EGO...ZIP...  FUCK.. I SWEAR MY CONSCIOUS WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME.. I CAN BET THAT EVERY DUDE HAS BEEN CAUGHT IN THIS MOMENT OF WEAK-SAUCE-NESS... IT JUST HAPPENS.. BUT I TRULY BELIEVE THAT IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO ANY DUDE MORE THAN ME....  I THINK I'M JUST GONNA EMBRACE IT AND START A GUERRILLA ASS OVER 30 SOMETHIN' MAN BAND THAT GETS THE WALKERS AND WHEELCHAIRS BANGIN!! I HOPE YOU HAVE MADE YOUR PIECE WITH TRUE MANHOOD MIKE HICKS.... A.K.A. "DICKEY BOY VALENTINE" CUZ' I'M NOT DOING THIS ALONE!!! YOU CAN PLAY THE KEYBOARD GUITAR OR SOME SHIT!! I HEARD ITS MAKIN' ITS WAY BACK... YOU KNOW, LIKE LIGHT SKINNEDED BRUH'S!!!LOL 

LESSONS LEARNED:  DON'T GET CAUGHT UP SINGIN' BULLSHIT IN YOUR CAR AND THINK NO ONE WILL FIND OUT... KARMA/CONSCIOUS IS A MUTHA' EFFER..  IF YOU MUST JAM OUT TO SOFT ASS SHIT, DO IT IN OTHER STATES WHERE NO ONE KNOWS YOUR WEAK ASS, AND FOR GOD SAKES STOP MAKING FUCKING MIXED TAPE SLOW JAMZ CD'S!! WE ARE GROWN ASS MEN!!! .... KINDA..

AS ALWAYS, ENJOY MY PAIN, AND UNTIL NEXT TIME..

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!!!

Louisiana sports worse than gang violence?? T-BALL GAMES>BOMBS OVER BAGHDAD!!

SO TODAY MY AWESOMENESS IS ABOUT..... UMMMM, THIS BIG!!! AS YOU CAN SEE, AM TRYING TO BLEND IN WITH THE LOCAL POPULATION BY WEARING THE NATIVE "GARB" OF TRASHGANISTAN.. OH, AND IT WAS COLD AS EFFFF!! THAT DAY.. SO, BOOM!!! AS ALWAYS MY 30 SECONDS OF TOTAL SWEET-ASS-NESS ON THE ENTRO-WEBZ COMPLETE! 

DURING MY 33 YEARS OF ROCK STAR STATUS I HAVE SEEN A PRETTY LARGE AMOUNT OF VIOLENCE, GUN BATTLES (MILITARY..NO GANG-BANGER HERE) ASS-WHIPPINGS AND JUST STRAIGHT UP CURB STOMPING SCUFF UPS.. BUT NOTHING, AND I MEAN NOTHING CAN COMPARE TO THE PHYSICAL AND VERBAL ABUSE THAT YOU WILL EXPERIENCE DURING A SPORTS COMPETITION IN LOUISIANA!! ESPECIALLY T-BALL!!!!....... I KNOW THAT SOUNDS HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT IT IS THE DEAD BALLZ' TRUTH...  I HAVE SEEN UMPIRES ESCORTED OUT WITH NO LESS THAN A 3 MAN SECURITY DETAIL FROM THE DEATH STAR.....

 PARENTS BRANDISHING FIREARMS AND SHIT..............

 AND CHILDREN NEEDING PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING AFTER THEIR GREAT-GAM GAM'S THREATEN TO MONKEY STOMP THEM IF THEY MISS ANOTHER IN-FIELD FLY BALL.........

NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE SHIT THAT GOES DOWN DURING THESE EVENTS BRING MY PTSD TO A SUPER HIGH LEVEL OF OHHH SHIT!! TAKE COVER, AND PULL ALL GRENADE PINS NOW!!! I MEAN I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WEAR EVERY PIECE OF BODY ARMOR EVER ISSUED TO ME IN THE MILITARY.. BUT FOR SOME REASON IT NEVER FEELS LIKE ENOUGH...

CASE IN POINT: MY NEPHEW IS A PHENOM WHEN IT COMES TO T-BALL.. PROLLY BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN PLAYING SOME FORM OF IT SINCE BEFORE HE WAS ABLE TO TELL HIS "MOMMA" THAT HE HAD POOPY ON HIS BOOTY DOO FACTORY.. AND THAT'S AN ACCURATE ASS HELL STATEMENT.. EVEN WHEN HE WAS PLAYING WEE-BALL, (SUPER YOUNG ASS VERSION OF T-BALL.. LIKE 6 MONTH OLD YOUNG!) THE KID HAD MAD WHEELS AND A STRONG AS EFFF BAT!! OH AND HE'S ONLY 6!! I DECIDED TO TAKE MY LIL' BLUE CHIPPER PRODIGY,"MY SON, CA$H MONEY"!! TO MY NEPHEW'S T-BALL GAME.. IT WAS IN THE LIL' TOWNSHIP OF ROSPINE... A REAL METROPOLIS IN TERMS OF CITIES.. ME AND CA$H MADE PLANS FOR A NICE, FRIENDLY GAME OF SMALL-BALL AND MAYBE A SNOW CONE TO LIVEN UP OUR EVENING. YOU KNOW, SOME REAL DAD SHIT....WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE WAS THAT I WOULD BE TAKING MY SON,  INTO A LITERAL SOMALI WAR ZONE!

HOLY SHIT!!!!  I MEAN I WAS NOT PREPARED WHAT-SO-EVA FOR THIS!! I IMMEDIATELY PLANNED ESCAPE ROUTES, RALLY POINTS AND FINAL PROTECTIVE FIRING LINES!! THIS SQUABBLE WAS LEGIT AS HELL!!.  SO WE HELD OUR BREATH AND SNOW CONES TIGHT AND HEADED TO OUR SIDE OF THE CIVIL WAR... WHEN WE GOT TO OUR COVERED AND CONCEALED POSITION I LINKED UP WITH MY BROTHER AND ASKED...." DO YOU HAVE A EXTRA PISTOL, OR FUCKING SHANK I CAN PROTECT MYSELF WITH??"  HE LOOKS AT ME AND SPITS..... BROTHER: "HELL, THEY AIN'T EVEN TOOKEDED' THE FIELD YET.. THAT'S THE CHEERLEADERS.."  ME: "UR' SHITTIN' ME RIGHT?? THESE BITCHES HAD TO BE 35! I NEED SOME BIRTH CERTIFICATES OR SOME SHIT!"  BROTHER:"NAW, THEY COME OUT OF THE DUG OUTS, I.E. (MACHINE GUN TRENCHES) IN BOUT' 5 MINUTES"  ME: I GUESS THAT GIVES ME ABOUT 3 MIKES TO DIG IN AND FORTIFY MY FIGHTING POSITION..... TITTIES!! SO ME AND CA$HMAN DIG IN LIKE ALABAMA TICKS..............

PLAY BALL!!!!! SOUNDS OVER THE INTERCOM FOLLOWED BY MASS AMOUNTS OF GUNFIRE AND YELLING! ITS SOUNDS LIKE A DAMN INDIAN WAR PARTY!!I GRAB ME AND CA$HMAN'S SCALP TIGHT...  LET THE MADNESS BEGIN! I MEAN, IT WASN'T THE 1ST AT BAT OF THE GAME AND MOTHERS ARE CUSSING OTHER MOTHERS WHILE BREAST FEEDING,  DAD'S ARE DRINKING MASS AMOUNTS OF BEER AND SCREAMING AT THEIR KIDS SHIT LIKE, " I'LL WHIP UR LITTLE ASS IF YOU DROP THAT DAMNED BALL AGAIN!!, I SWEAR I'LL BEAT THE BRAKES OFF YOU LIL' BOBBY!!!  BUURRPPP!!"  I MEAN TALK ABOUT ABUSE!!! I DON'T KNOW WHERE CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES (CPS) WERE ON THIS SUNNY AFTERNOON, BUT THEY COULD HAVE MET THEIR QUOTA AND THEN SOME..  THIS SHIT IS CRAZY!! BALL PLAYERS CRYING, WILD WEST DRAWN DOWNS AT HIGH NOON BY THE CONCESSION STAND, GREAT GAM-GAM SELLIN' SKUNK FROM THEIR LITTLE RASCALS  YELLING PROFANITIES THAT YOU DON'T HEAR ON XXX-PORN MOVIES, THE WORX!!!  I'M TELLING YOU BOTTOM LINE UP FRONT "BLUF" FULL FRONTAL MIDDLE-EASTERN COMBAT DIDNT HAVE SHIT ON THIS!!  I WAS SO NERVOUS MY STOMACH STARTED SHITTING ON ITSELF!! THIS WAS EFFING INTENSE!! BY THE 7TH INNING, I HAD HAD MORE THAN MY SHARE OF CUSSINGS, OBJECTS THROWN WILDLY AND DEATH THREATS FOR 10 MEN.. TIME TO EXFIL!!! I TOLD MY BROTHER THAT THE NEXT TIME HE WANTS US TO SUPPORT ANY TYPE OF LITTLE LEAGUE COMBAT IT WOULD HAVE TO BE IN A MORE PUBLIC VENUE, NOT BY THE POPPY FIELDS OF ROSPINE... AND I'M GONNA NEED SOME UNIFORMED POLICE THERE TOO.. MAYBE A NATIONAL GUARD PRESENCE CAUSE THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!! I MEAN, BY THE TIME I GOT MY ASS OUT OF THERE, I WAS IN A FULL-ON SWEAT, BRUISED AND BLOODY FROM DUCKING FOR COVER, AND WORRIED AS SHIT THAT I WAS GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE A TIRE CAUSE' THAT SHIT HAD BEEN STRAIGHT JACKED!!! IT SHOULD HAVE COUNTED AS A FULL TOUR OF MILITARY COMBAT! THE CRAZIEST PART ABOUT IT THOUGH..... ITS JUST ANOTHER DAY OF SPORTS IN LOUISIANA!! AND THAT IS THE GOSPEL..  HONESTLY I JUST PICKED T-BALL FOR THIS ESSAY OF MINE BECAUSE IT IS THE ROOT OF ALL SPORTS GROWING UP...  EVERYONE STARTS OFF WITH T-BALL.. I THINK ITS PART OF A STATE AGREEMENT THAT IS PLACED ON YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE PRIOR TO LEAVING THE HOSPITAL OR PART OF IMMUNIZATION SHOTS THAT ENGINEERS YOUR DNA ON A GENETIC LEVEL TO PLAY T-BALL PRIOR TO ALL OTHER SPORTS......... NO SHIT!!................................................................

BUT WITH ALL OTHER STIGMAS THAT COME WITH BEING FROM LOUISIANA, ONE THING IS FOR SURE... YOU CAN NOT MESS WITH US IN SPORTS!! YOU WILL GET ROMPED ON IN MORE WAYS THEN ONE WHEN IT COMES TO PEE-WEE, HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE SPORTS!! FOR US, AND I WILL SAY STATES LIKE MISSISSIPPI, ALABAMA AND YES EVEN ARKANSAS WE PUT FOOT TO ASS, AND HEART AND SOUL INTO OUR SPORTS PROGRAMS..  OUR COLLEGE SPORTS ARE OUR PRO TEAMS AND ALL WE WANT IS OUR KIDS TO PERFORM AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL POSSIBLE..  SO WE MAKE SURE OUR KIDS, FRIENDS KIDS AND NEIGHBORS KIDS GET "DROVE".. THX SIGI!!" SO THEY CAN MAKE THE CUT.  NOBODY WANTS TO BE AT A FRIENDLY COOKOUT  AND SAY THAT 'LIL BOBBY' IS ON THE CHESS TEAM AND HE'S DOING GREAT!!  REALLY, DUDE, REALLY?? CHESS MASTER?NOT MY KID!!  HE MAY BE A ROCK BITER, AND BE IN REGULAR ASS MATH, BUT HE WILL KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR MATH WIZARD!!  MAN, ITS THE SOUTH.... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU, I DON'T SEE TOO MANY CHESS WIZZ KIDS SCORING BIG SCHOLARSHIPS OR HOT BROADS BY TAKING YOUR QUEEN WITH MY ROOK!!  THEY MIGHT IN FACT BE A "QUEEN"

REMEMBER, THE QUARTERBACK ALWAYS GETS THE CHICK,GETS THE BIG PAYDAYS AND GETS ALL THE FAME! EVEN IF HE'S UGLY AS SHIT!!

  IF YOU WANT TO BE A STUD IN CHESS MAYBE YOU NEED TO MOVE YOUR WEAK ASS TO RUSSIA.. I HEAR THEY LIKE THAT TYPE OF "GAMER" OVER THERE!!

DISCLAIMER: DON'T TAKE WHAT I AM SAYING AS AN INSULT.. CHESS IS COOL...KINDA, I MEAN I DON'T REALLY KNOW BUT IF THAT IS WHAT YOUR KIDS DO... THEN COOL.  GO BIG OR GO HOME!! JUST DON'T BRING THAT SHIT TO THE BALL PARK!!  WE LOVE OUR SPORTS IN THE SOUTH.. SPECIALLY' THE DEEP DIRTY SOUTH!!! STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS, TOURNAMENTS AND COLLEGE BALL IS WHAT WE THRIVE ON.. YEA, WE HAVE SOME BIG TIME BALLERZ' THAT CANT MAKE THE GRADE, BUT THEY GET THE SHIT TUTORED OUT OF THEM TO MAINTAIN THAT 1.9999998 GPA TO STAY ELIGIBLE.. (YOU GOTTA ROUND THAT SHIT UP YO!!!)  BUT DON'T GET IT TWISTED, WE DO HAVE SOME UTTER WIZ KIDS PITCHING, SHOOTING, THROWING, TACKLING AND CATCHING ERY' DAY!! SO MAKE SURE YOU SHOW RESPECT WHEN MY WIZ BANG OF A KID TAKES ALL YOUR KIDS CHICKS AND GETS CARRIED OFF THE FIELD FOR A PARADE IN HIS HONOR.. JUS' SAYIN....... SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST RIGHT?? FO' SHO!!  OH AND ENDING A GAME IN A TIE IS TOTAL HORSE SHIT!!!!

 AS ALWAYS, UNTIL NEXT TIME....

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!