shake your weight straight to hell!!

beej on left, me on right

So…. This is me…  I am sure its prolly the most gangster, most illiest, most hard core sheet you’ve seen in about 30 seconds on the web..  if you don’t think  so well....

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This is my broham’ tha’ beej’..  he’s an OK shot so he carries most of my shit for me, ammo, food, toilet paper.. you know most of that high-end sheet that serious operator’s like my self need when I'm in the afghani’ suck taking out the trash…. First thing that just came to beej’s mind….”you fucking dick!!!”  hey bro, somebody’s gotta pay the price for all this blood, sweat and dasani water I drink on the Army’s dime..  check it, just think of yourself as the token black dude in horror flicks…  yea, you get to show your “piece” off to all the white bunny rabbits at the lake, but when that big white soggy retard emerges from Chrystal lake,….your proverbial kryptonite…i.e..(water) to play with your lil’ booty hole, its lights out hombre’.  I will say though, that one black dude that I thought was gonna make it, we will call him…peter..lol,its been so long ago his real name slipped my mind,  went toe2toe with big-jv on the top of the building in NYC, I just thought he might get him……. Nope….blammo!!  there went your dome piece patna’..  so to beej’ thx for being my sacrificial lamb on this one…  it will come back to you some day.. I will buy you taco smell or something!! 

So as written and seen above, me and beej look pretty high-speed.. to be truthful, …. We were…lol, but that was almost a year ago.. unfortunately I was injured in combat as was beej’, and to make a long story a little longer this is what we have been reduced to…….

what a shitty fucking joke right!?!?!?! But it is the dead balls truth!!  We both hold a desk now for what little bit of army existence we have left until we retire….(hopefully)  so I figured with all this time on my hands, no way to vent, and no guns to be played with, I would exercise my “grape”  and start writing this crazy sheet down… my boy miz’ike hicks encouraged me to do it, and I guess people think my shit is funny… we’ll see.. if not, I blame you mike…

          So I will start off with the first thing that my wife and I talked about when the blog idea came to be for me…

The mother fucking shake weight!!

First and foremost, I love physical fitness.. really.  The fact that my “shit” i.e. my physical self is not together because of injuries really fucks with my ego!!  But for the love of every thing fucking manly, I would never pick up one of those retarded ass contraptions that some people call fitness equipment!!  Older women or men in their 90’s excluded, but if you are below said age and you are using it, you need a tank cannon rammed up your ass and blown to the world of “everybody hates you and you need to die as fast as fucking possible!”  all you need to do is go on YouTube and see what satanism is all about with this thing!!  I mean think about it… basically you have a 10 pound mechanical rhino dong 4 inches from your face and it not only is shaking the horse piss out of you, it will damn near require you to get a whole new mouth piece for your tee tee boy!!  Your “mangina” might like you more but the rest of “not gay acting men of america” have no use for you.. case in point…….

The only thing the shake weight ever did for the united states was fund terrorism..  seriously.. look at this fool..  I am sure at one point this feeble minded ass crustation had a regular christian name..now..  now…. That dude is prolly called haakmed’….. and haakmed’ and ee’ry man like him needs to fucking go.. I mean come on…all this is doing is glorifying getting blasted in the face by something other than a boxing glove!! I would rather get my head bashed in by a team of little league Japanese world series champs then resort to this “kind” of physical/mental torture.. and you know how well those little bastards can hit a base ball.. their shidoshi will straight fuck them up with cane polls n’ shit if they strike out! I lived in Okinawa for about 7  months so I know those ninjas are serious about anything that gets them off of their island of utter shit! 

          Let me slow down a bit.  I feel that I am putting off too harsh of a vibe.  Just so you know.  I am not a homophobe.  I have family members that would rather go the other way. And they are some of the nicest friendly caring people I know.. I also have friends that are gay. Not very close mind you, I tend to be an introvert when it comes to people.  I have my friends and that’s all I need.  But I will preach on that mutha’fuckers fashion doe’!! I have never seen someone so swaggerific at a wendy’s or popeye’s in my whole fucking life.  That dude prolly sleeps in a sweater vest!! So don’t judge me for having my likes and dislikes…and if you do, well…

Back to it now..  so while deployed to Afghanistan this last rotation me and my soldiers were dropped into the middle of a valley named nerkh. (nerk)  this place represents everything you could imagine Satan's dirt star to look, smell, and taste like.. get me drift? It was so stank and secluded from the rest of Afghanistan..( I wont say society because there is none to be had in that shit stew of a place). That we were mistaken for russians… yes, ruskies!! Do you know how long ago they were there?  Fucking eons!!!!  Reference charlie Wilson's war book/movie to get the whole scoop. Which is good by the way.  Not to trail off into some other shit better written for possible future posts, about 40 kilometers from our fire base was a large HQ called fob (forward operating Base) airborne.  Pretty swank pad in terms of imentities. Well as most large forward bases you have higher ranking logistical types. And that’s when I saw it.. I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes.. and tha’ beej can testify..  I witnessed a field grade officer walking around the fob with a fucking big black rhino dick shake weight!!  No fucking shit!

( his pic not shown to protect his innocence or lack there of…)  If I had a grenade that day, I would have pulled the pin, handed said pin to smack tard above, and jammed the grenade down my pants so I would know, at least, my manhood was safe as I performed the modern day equivalent of seppuku! 

                      I would have my eternal respect and manhood, and the clown we speak could rot in Richard simmon’s hell for eternity!!  Whats so damn funny is this “flame thrower” proceeded to come into the super nice gym with all the bells and whussles’

and shake his silly ass for 30 full minutes around all us rock biters and tell us that we should really try it, “that it was a really good workout, low impact and could help with our arm strength so we carry our rifles In the proper manner”…….  Really sweetheart…..really!!!!!!!!  I don’t know about all of you but the one thing I cant fucking stand is a cra’teek from a “ankle grabber” that number 1, is way out of fucking shape, 2, using stretchy bands or leg weights, 3, way to fucking fat to even be breathing, and finally 4, not being what you are!! A female, or a real fucking dude that lives and dies by the weight pile!!!

lets just say that the horror I had to endure while spending a little bit of time  at fob airborne will never be forgotten. its ingrained in my skull for all eternity.   Here’s the deal in closing this parody…  I represent the grunt, hardcharger, roughneck, jar head, real civilian man that would die in a fiery ball of oblivion before ever attempting to use this fucking estrogen bomb called the shake weight.. if st. pete had one when I showed up to the pearly whites I would fire bomb the dog shit out of it and walk over him with testosterone filled ego shit kickers to see the creator. First I would say to the g-o-d and jc?, not what is the meaning of life, but …… you got a real fucking kick out of that asshole and his fucking shake weight idea didn’t ya……?? Who’s joke was it  really, you?!? Or jc?? Cause the last laugh is on ole’ st. pete….  He just got fucked up dogg!! ( circa 2010 Kenny powers)  boom!!

p.s.  if I have offended you..sorry, its all in good fun and humor.. if you agree with me… titties!!  This is just a means of venting and making my day seem alittle brighter.  All things in this little gaff of mine is 100% true as shit.. except for tha’ beej..  he is by far one of the greatest hitmen I have had the honor to serve with… we did great work together, gods work as we call it, and loved every second of our jobs and life.  Sometimes things are cut short for a reason.. for me, I look to god and know that it was just my time.. better to take a pretty big hit, be able to walk and hold my kids and love my wife for the rest of my life, then eat the big fat fuck you bomb and die on the field of battle.  Some of my brothers didn’t get the same chance as i.  for that I am forever grateful of their sacrifice and that of their families.. like I said, all in fun and laughter.  Til’ next time…..

one shot, one kill!!