YOU WILL NEVER BE DOMINIC TORETTO FROM FAST AND FURIOUS!

I LOVE THE MOVIES!! I AM ONE OF THOSE RETARDS THAT WILL GO AND STAND IN A MILE LONG LINE AND SQEEZE MY BIG ASS INTO A SMEDIUM' SEAT JUST TO CATCH A NEW RELEASE..  I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT A "FLICK SHOW" THAT GETS ME SO WORKED UP.. BUT I LOVE THEM.  MOST MEN ARE THE SAME AND ITS A STANDARD PART OF THE "FIRST DATE" SO JUST DEAL WITH IT LADIES.  BUT WHAT I REALLY CAN'T EFFING' STAND ARE LOCAL GOONS" DRESSING UP OR ACTING LIKE THE CHARACTER'S IN THE MOVIE.. I MEAN REALLY?? COME ON DAWG..  YOU ARE MAKING US GUYS LOOK REAL FUCKING BAD..  THE FUNNIEST INSTANCE I CAN THINK OF WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS....  2 FAST 2 FURIOUS HIT THE BIG SCREEN AND PEOPLE LOST THEIR SHIT.. INCLUDING ME.. I AM A SUPER HUGE FAN OF CARS AND MOVIE CARS.  SO OF COURSE I WENT TO SEE A DECENT MOVIE WITH SUPER DOPE ASS CARS!!.  WELL, GUESS WHAT WHAT HAPPENING IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE GRAND OLE' LEESVILLE CINEMA 6.. YOU GUESSED IT.....

RICER' NATION DOING THEIR BEST RENDITION OF TOKYO FUCKING DRIFT!!.  GIVE ME A GODDAMNED' BREAK!!  THIS MAKES ME SO MAD.. THESE "D" BAGGERS TOTALLY RUIN ANY CHANCE OF SEEING A MOVIE WITHOUT GETTING RIDICULED.  NEWS FLASH BOY RACERS.......
NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR SHITTY 4-BANGER WITH DUMP TRUCK EXHAUST PIPES!!
ANYTIME A NEW VERSION OF THE MOVIE OR A RE-RUN COMES ON I NEVER HEAR THE END OF THE GAYNESS FROM MY WIFE.. THANKS DICKS..  ANYWAYS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT MOVIES... I MEAN YOU GO IN TO WATCH A QUALITY SHOW... 2.5 HOURS LATER MEN COME OUT OF THE SHOW AND SWEAR TO THE GOD'S THAT THEY ARE THE INCREDIBLE FUCKING HULK OR SOME SHIT.. GUESS WHAT HOMBRE'. YOUR NOT GREEN, YOUR ANGER IS SUSPECT, DEF. NEED WAY MORE TIME AT THE WEIGHT PILE AND OH ONE MORE THING.......  YOUR NOT FROM THE MARVEL FUCKING UNIVERSE!!!

JUST WATCH THE FUCKING MOVIE AND GO HOME!!! STOP BEING A RAGING BONER IN PUBLIC!!

LADIES, I GIVE IT TO YOU.. WE ARE DUMB ANIMALS.. MANIPULATED BY THE SMALLEST OF THINGS.. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A CHICK ENTER OR LEAVE A MOVIE THEATRE IN ANYMORE OR ANY LESS CLOTHING.... EVER!  IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT SHE'S NOT THINKING ABOUT "MAGIC MIKE" WHEN SHE LEAVE WITH YOU OR HER GIRLS.  BUT I ASSURE YOU I HAVE NEVER HEARD OR SEEN THIS..

MOVIE CHICK: WOW, STAR WARS WAS THE SHIT!! I THINK I'M GONNA JUST PUT MY VAG ON DISPLAY FOR YOU AND ROCK THE SHIT OUT OF MY STORM TROOPER UNI-TARD"

SORRY GUYS NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN, YOU WOULD THINK SHE IS A TOTAL WHACK JOB AND DISCARD HER AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVIENCE.  I JUST NEED MEN TO ACT A LITTLE MORE LIKE MEN AND NOT LITTLE FUCKING KIDS COMING OUT OF THE NEW NINJA TURTLE ANIMATED FULL LENGTH..

OH AND THIS BROAD DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THE FEMALE DEMOGRAPHIC... SHE IS OBVIOUSLY DISABLED AND SUFFERING FROM DEMENTIA.  I WILL SAY THAT I HAVE FALLEN PREY TO THIS DISEASE JUST ONCE.. BUT I WILL SAY I HAD AN EXCUSE.. I HAD BEEN HOME FROM COMBAT LIKE A WEEK, SO I WAS STILL IN THE ZONE CHIEF!! WELL ME, LACEY AND GARRISON WERE OUT ON THE TOWN AND WE WENT TO SEE 300..

OH MY EFFING GOD!!!!

SAY WHAT YOU WILL, BUT I AM TOTALLY SURPRISED THAT LEESVILLE DIDN'T END UP LIKE SOUTH CENTRAL AFTER THE L.A. RIOTS!!  IF I WOULD HAVE HAD A LOIN CLOTH AND A CAPE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE SON!!! I THINK ROBBIE AND MYSELF CAME OUT OF THE THEATRE AND BEGAN TO ROMAN GRECO WRESTLE!! NO SHIT!! IT WAS THE MOST INTENSE MOVIE EXPERIENCE I HAVE EVER HAD. AND TO MAKE MATTERS BETTER (WAY FUCKING WORSE)  WE WENT TO THE LOCAL WATERING HOLE AND DRANK OUR FUCKING ASSES TO OBLIVION!! AND THE WHOLE BAR APPARENTLY CAME FROM THE SAME SHOW, BECAUSE IT WAS NOTHING BUT DUDES TAKING SHOTS AND YELLING...

THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!

IT WAS CRAZY! MY BOY GARRISON IS NOT THE EMBODIMENT OF PHYSICAL STRENGTH OR STATURE BUT I WILL BE DAMNED IF HE DIDN'T RIP OF A CAST IRON FENCE SPIKE FROM THE COVERED PATIO AND WIELD WILDLY  AROUND LIKE A DICK CLOTHED AMAZON DESERT WARRIOR OF OLD.!! IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME.. MY WIFE EVEN THOUGHT SO.. 

SO LISTEN, GUYS, IN THIS INSTANCE ITS COOL TO BE COO-COO FOR COCO PUFFS.. BUT FOR GOD SAKES DON'T TAKE YOUR GIRL, WIFE, HOE, BOYFRIEND OR PET TO SEE SOME SHIT LIKE MAGIC MIKE AND COME OUT IN THE PARKING LOT WITH YOUR DICKAGE ALL OUT AND SWANGIN' IN THE WIND.. PROLLY GONNA GET YOU IN THE POKEY WITH A REAL DICK SWINGER BY THE NAME OF LITTLE NUC' NUC' READY TO SHOW YOU WHAT A REAL GOOD TIME FEELS LIKE IN LOCK-UP.. JUST A WARNING..

AS ALWAYS, 100% REAL AS SHIT!!

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

-A SONZ-OF-DADZ-PRODUCTION-

COUPON CLUB = FU@%^ YOU!!!!!

SO I REALLY HATE THIS..  AND I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY IT.  I MEAN I DO BUT I'M TRYING TO BE A BETTER PERSON. (KIND OF)  BUT THIS REALLY CHAPS EVERY BIT OF MY ASS!  AND THESE DAYS MY ASS IS BIGGER WITH EVERY BREATH, SO YOU DO THE MATH. (I JUST STARTED DIETING... EFF YOU!!)  MY BEEF WITH THE FUCKING COUPON IS SIMPLY THIS... THERE IS A TIME AND PLACE FOR EVERYTHING.. EXAMPLES OF "TIME" AND "PLACE" WHERE A COUPON WOULD BE DEEMED ACCEPTABLE WOULD BE A STRIPPER CLUB.. ALL MEN AGREE.. IF I CAN GET HALF OFF DRINKS AT THE STRIPPER CLUB.... SCORE.. CUZ' THAT SHIT IS WAY TO HIGH AND I KNOW THE OWNER IS TRYING TO OFFSET HIS COST BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE MY DOLLA'S TO STRIPPER CHICKS.. 2ND PLACE TO DEEM A COUPON APPROPRIATE IS AT A DINING ESTABLISHMENT.. IF I CAN GET GOOD FOOD FOR SOMETHING MORE THAN MY MILITARY OR SENIOR CITIZEN DISCOUNT.  BOOM!! I'M GONNA HIT THEM WITH A COOP'!! FELLA'S BEWARE OF THE SUBWAY THOUGH... THEY GOT SOME CRAZY ASS COOPS' THERE.. WOMEN..... FEEL FREE....

AGAIN, FELLAS' BEWARE!! DON'T GET CAUGHT OUT BACK OF A SUBWAY.. CUZ ERY'BODY KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND THE YOUR "CLOSET DOOR" JUST GOT KICKED OF ITS HINGES.. JUST A WARNING. 

SO MY DISGUST WITH THE "COUPON" OFFICIALLY BEGAN A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO.. I HAD JUST RETURNED HOME FROM BROOKE ARMY MEDICAL CENTER IN TEXAS AND MY WIFE AND I WERE AT MY PARENTS HOUSE. I THINK WE WERE STAYING THE NIGHT OR SOMETHING.  ANYWAYS, I WAS GOING INTO TOWN FOR SOMETHING AND MY DAD ASKED IF I WOULD STOP AND GET SOME OJ.. EASY ENOUGH, SURE DAD, I CAN DO THAT..I JUMPED IN OUR "HO".. (CHEVY TAHOE) AND TURNED ON THE BEST OF CULTURE CLUB ON PANDORA.. A REAL HEAD BANGER... (I LIKE 80'S JAMS.... SO WHAT)  I FIGURE SATURDAY AT WAL-MART IS NOT FOR ME SO I TELL MYSELF THAT "WAL-GREENS" IS THE ANSWER.. BOOM!! QUICK IN-AND-OUT, AND I'M BACK AT THE CASA' IN 20 MINUTES...... I BUST IN THE "GREENS" GRAB OJ MINUS WHITE FORD BRONCO..

AND I'M SET!!!

AS I GET IN A VERY SHORT LINE OF 3 PEOPLE I'M THINKING TO MYSELF.."SELF" THIS BROAD IN FRONT OF ME HAS A GANG OF SHIT IN HER CART... WHY DIDN'T SHE TAKE HER THRIFTY ASS TO WAL-MART OR THE DOLLA STO' OR SOME SHIT??? OH WELL WHAT EVER.. I'M STILL WITHIN THE TIME FRAME.... THE NEXT PERSON CHECKS OUT.. AND THEN THE NEXT.. NEXT UP... MOMMY DEAREST AND HER CART-O-SHIT... SHE STARTS UNLOADING THIS WHOLE CART FULL OF NUTHING SPECIAL.. NO EGGS, MILK, MEDICINE, CANDY.. YOU KNOW ALL THE SHIT YOU COME TO WAL-GREENS FOR..  ALL I COULD THINK WAS THAT THIS SCALLY-WAG WAS JUST A LITTLE DIRTY HOARD MONGER.. MIND YOU, THIS BITCH AND I SAY BITCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART SAW ME BEHIND HER WITH THIS LITTLE STANKIN ASS BOTTLE OF OJ AND SAYS NOTHING... AND THEN IT HAPPENS.... THE CASHIER SAYS, "OK MA'AM, THAT WILL BE $312.97... BITCH-HOARD MONGER, "OK HOLD ON A SEC.."  SHE REACHES DOWN A PULLS THIS MONSTROSITY OUT OF HER "SATCHEL" THAT I HAD LEFT UN-NOTICED...

YOU THRIFTY DOUCHE BAG BITCH FROM SATAN!!!!!

I COULD NOT BELIEVE THE NUTS ON THIS BITCH!!!  THIS EXPERT DOOM'S DAY PREPPER SEES ME AND MY LITTLE JUG OF ORANGES MADE INTO JUICE AND YOU CAN'T SHOW A LITTLE COURTESY?? I GO FROM ZEN TO NUCLEAR FASTER THAN CLAY AIKEN GOES FROM GAY TO ELEPHANT MAN GAY..

"THIS DUDE REALLY EFFING SCARES ME"

BUT WHAT CAN I DO?? I CAN'T SHOW MY ASS BECAUSE IT WILL ONLY GET ME SOME TIME IN THE LEESVILLE CITY LOCKUP, SO WHAT DO I DO... THE ONLY THING A STRESSED OUT, INJURED, PTSD HAVING COMBAT WARRIOR CAN DO...

FUCKING NOTHING...... I SUCK SO BAD.. IN MY MIND I WAS MUD STOMPING THIS BROAD.. REALITY.... I JUST STAND THERE AND ACT LIKE A FUCKING WEAK SAUCE BITCH....( EFF YOU!! I'M WOUNDED!!)  AFTER ABOUT 20 MINUTES OF THIS BITCH GETTING HER "DISCOUNTED PRODUCTS" HER TOTAL CAME OUT TO AROUND $90 BUCKS.. SUCH BULLSHIT.. AND I HAD TO PAY FULL PRICE FOR MY DAD'S SHITTY OJ.. I PAID AND LEFT THE STORE, BUT AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT "HOARDER BITCH" WAS STILL LOADING UP HER PRIZES..  AND TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY SHE WAS LOADING HER SHIT INTO THIS..

I MEAN REALLY!?!?! THIS BITCH SHOULD REALLY BE ARRESTED!! I MEAN FEDERAL CHARGES ARRESTED!! 

LISTEN, I GOT IT.. THE COUNTRY IS STRUGGLING.. GAS IS ASSHOLE HIGH, MILK AIN'T CHEAP AND DIAPERS ARE BURNING A HOLE IN MY WALLET.. AND NO, I AM NOT USING CLOTH DIAPERS.. THAT IS GROSS AS SHIT FOR REAL AND I CAN'T TAKE IT..  BUT I KNOW PEOPLE ARE HURTING FOR RELIEF.. WITH THAT, PEOPLE THAT NEED COOPS' DO IT... PEOPLE LIKE THIS BITCH THAT DON'T, NEED TO BE BROUGHT IN FRONT OF A FIRING SQUAD..  INSTEAD OF HELPING YOURSELF YOU CHINCHY ASS BAG OF DOUCHE' HELP YOUR FELLOW MAN OR WOMAN THAT IS PROLLY' NOT ROLLIN A BIG DOG, AND EATING RAMON ON THE REG!!!   LET'S BE SELFLESS NOT SELFISH... IN CLOSING, I HOPE THIS BROAD HAS 4 FLAT TIRES EVERY MONTH FOR EVER!! I KNOW ITS HARSH BUT I DON'T CARE. SHE RUINED MY WHOLE FUCKING DAY AND IT HAS NEVER LEFT ME.. I TAKE MEDS AND SHIT NOW FOR NIGHTMARES AND THIS GOES DOWN EVERY NIGHT.... I HATE YOU!! I REALLY REALLY DO.....

AS ALWAYS, 100% TRUE AS SHIT!!! UNTIL NEXT TIME....

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

-A SONZ-OF-DADZ PRODUCTION-

I WANT TO TAKE "BLUE" AND ALL HER "CLUES" TO THE POUND!!

THIS IS ME AND CASH WATCHING HIS SHOW..I USED TO LOVE CARTOONS GROWING UP.  I EVEN USED TO REALLY LIKE WATCHING THE GROWN UP CARTOONS LIKE, SOUTH PARK, AMERICAN DAD, FAMILY GUY ETC... BUT IN THE LAST 2 YEARS I HAVE COME TO REALLY EFFING' HATE ALL ANIMATED SHOWS AND MOVIES.. EVEN COMMERCIALS..  CARTOONS ARE ALL MY WIFE AND I WATCH NOW.. ITS SO BAD THAT WE KNOW EVERY DANCE, SONG AND WORD SCRIPTED TO ANY SHOW.. I ALSO BLAME DISH TV. BECAUSE IT GAVE US THE ABILITY TO RECORD AND PLAY BACK EVERY SHITTY CARTOON KNOWN TO MAN KIND..(DICKS) AND THE WORST OF THEM ALL.... STANKIN' ASS "BLUES CLUES"..!! I CAN'T GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY HEAD!!  I KNOW WE ALL WANT TO SAY AND BELIEVE THAT WE HAVE THE SMARTEST KID ON THE BLOCK. AND "I" IN FACT DO... SO MUCH SO THAT HE TAUGHT HIMSELF SIGN LANGUAGE BY  BASICALLY  WATCHING BLUES CLUES...  SO DAY AND NIGHT ALMOST 24/7 MY WIFE AND I GET BLASTED WITH THIS..

IF YOU'RE A PARENT OF  SMALL CHILDREN YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.. THE DOG, THE HAND SIGNALS, THE THINKING CHAIR, AND THAT FUCKING NOTEBOOK!! I SWEAR THERE ARE ABOUT 100 DIFFERENT NOTEBOOKS AROUND MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW!   IT NEVER FAILS, HE WAKES UP... BOOM!! BLUES CLUES..  HE GOES NITE-NITE..BOOM.! BLUES CLUES!! IT NEVER STOPS... IT'S DRIVING MY WIFE AND I BAT SHIT CRAZY OVER BLUES CLUES!! AND ALL THE OTHER CARTOONS RECEIVE THE AFTER AFFECTS OF OUR RAGE! ALL I WANT TO DO IS TAKE "BLUE" TO THE POUND AND TAKE "JOE AND STEVE'S" PUNK ASS AROUND BACK  AND BEAT THE BRAKES OFF BOTH OF THEM!!  THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD SAVE THIS SHOW FROM MY ANGER IS IF MANSON TOOK IT OVER AND REALLY REV'ED IT UP A NOTCH OR TWO.. I WOULD BE PUMPED THEN...

THIS WOULD BE THE ILLIST' SHOW TO HIT NICKELODEON SINCE PINWHEEL!! (IF YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER PINWHEEL, JUST KNOW IT WENT HARD AS SHIT)  ANY WHO, I FEEL LIKE A REAL TARDO' WALKING AROUND AT WORK ALL DAY SINGING FUCKING BLUES CLUES.. I EVEN DO IT IN MY TRUCK WHEN "J-BEEBS" HASN'T INTERRUPTED MY LIFE LIKE HE DOES ON A DAMN NEAR DAILY BASIS..  I MEAN, AS PARENTS WE NEED TO REALLY LOOK AT WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. I KNOW, I KNOW ITS USED AS A TOOL TO GIVE MOMMY A BREAK AND LET YOUR KID STAY QUIET FOR A LITTLE BIT.  BUT LETS LOOK AT WHAT A SHOW LIKE THIS REALLY DOES.. HERE WE GO..

FACT:  THIS CLOWN REAPS ALL THE BENEFITS... HIS PLAN IS TO PLAY INTO THE YOUNG MOTHERS CUTE SIDE AND SCORE AS MUCH A POSSIBLE. HE COULD GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT YOUR CHILD'S EDUCATIONAL NEEDS OR IMPROVEMENTS.. HE IS KNOWN WORLD WIDE AND PROLLY SCORES COKE AND M.I.L.F.'S ON THE REG BECAUSE OF OUR LACK OF PARENTING SKILLS..

THIS SHOULD SAY IT ALL. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR KID RAN INTO THE "REAL" STEVE?? WELL I KNOW WHAT HE WOULD DO BASED OFF THIS PIC.  AND I KNOW FOR A FACT HE WOULD GO TO THE PENITENTIARY ON A 10-20 YEAR STRETCH BECAUSE OF IT..  STRANGER DANGER,STRANGER DANGER!!

AND THEN THERE IS JOE.... 2ND RATE BACK-UP TO STEVE... OR AS THE SHOW CALLS HIM.. "STEVE'S LITTLE BROTHER"  MAN YOU GOTTA REALLY SUCK TO PLAY SECOND FIDDLE TO INMATE # 13453...  EVEN STEVE THINKS YOU BLOW HARDER THAN 3 SWISS DUDE IN A RICOLLA' COMMERICAL.. 

STEVE ONLY LETS YOU IN THE HOUSE BECAUSE HE'S DOPE SICK AND HE SENDS YOU OUT TO SCORE SOME SMACK FOR HIM.... CASE IN POINT.....

AT LEAST PEDOPHILE STEVE IS CONSISTENT WITH HIS COLORS.. YOU CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT WHAT COLOR IS YOUR FAVE... GET IT TOGETHER LAMO!!  PARENTS, I KNOW LIFE AND WORK ARE HARD.. BUT WE HAVE TO REMEMBER SHOWS LIKE THE TELETUBBIES AND BARNEY AND WHY WE DON'T WANT OUR KIDS WATCHING THAT SHIT...

WHAT THEY NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT BARNEY'S ASS!!

WHAT YOU ALWAYS THOUGHT ABOUT THE "TUBBIES"

AT THE END OF THE DAY BLUES CLUES COMES DOWN TO ONE THING.... STEVE, JOE AND THEIR ACCOMPLICE BLUE ONLY WANT ON THING.... YOUR LITTLE BOYS

TALLY-WHACKER!!

I WISH THAT MY KID WOULD WATCH THE OLD SCHOOL CARTOONS.. YOU KNOW THE ONES THAT TAUGHT YOU THAT THE WORLD IS AN UGLY PLACE.. THAT ITS A DOG EAT DOG WORLD, THE CLASSIC GOOD AGAINST EVIL  AND YOU HAVE TO GET YOURS WHILE THE GETTIN' IS GOOD... YEA YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.....

THIS IS WHO OUR KIDS NEED TO LEARN FROM  WHEN WE ARE NOT THERE.. WILE "E" COYOTE. HE'S  ABOUT HARD WORK AND DEDICATION TO COMPLETE WHATEVER MISSION IS SET IN FRONT OF HIM... YEA I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING... "OLE' WILE E." NEVER CAUGHT THE ROAD RUNNER OR BUGS BUNNY.. I KNOW THIS BUT YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT.... HE NEVER QUIT, ALWAYS HAD A PLAN B,C,D,E AND WHEN ALL ELSE FAILED, HE WOULD JUST STRAP HIS ASS TO THE BIGGEST ROCKET POSSIBLE AND HOPE SHIT WOULD WORK OUT!!  NO RISK, NO REWARD!!! WHAT YOU HAVE TO REALLY LOOK AT IS WHAT HE WAS WORKING WITH.... HIS SUPPLIES CAME FROM THE CHEAPEST BIDDER AND THE PARTS WERE MANUFACTURED IN MEXICO.. WHAT DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?? AMERICA!! THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE!!

IF YOU GAVE HIM THE PROPER EQUIPMENT AND FUNDING THAT BIRD WOULDN'T HAVE A CHANCE IN HELL.. AND THAT'S THE DEAD BALL TRUTH!!  SO WITH THAT PARENTS AND FRIENDS, LETS START THINKING ABOUT WHO WE WANT OUR KIDS TO WATCH.... WEIRD PEDOPHILE SHOWS WITH HIDDEN INNUENDOS..... OR OLD SKOOLY ACME CARTOONS THAT TAUGHT MOST OF US HOW TO BE CREATIVE, TAKE THE BUMPS AND BRUISES AND KEEP TRYING AGAIN AGAIN... I SAY GO WITH THE LATTER... BUT LIKE MOST OF YOU I AM TOO LATE.. MY KID JUST SAID HIS FIRST FULL SENTENCE TODAY AND AS PROUD A POPPA AS I AM IT WENT WAY SOUTH WITH THE REQUEST MY SON MADE.. MOMMA: CASH WHAT DO YOU WANT TO WATCH ??"CASH:  WATCH MAMMY (THAT'S MANNY) AND OSO"..  

FML!!! THE TRIFECTA'!! ITS THE WORST WHEN DISNEY PUTS 2 MAIN CHARACTERS IN ONE SHOW!! IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!! AND WE WATCH IT EVERY DAMN DAY!!!!   IN CLOSING, I HAVE TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO MY WIFE LACEY... SHE HAS IT WAY WORSE THAN ME.. I HAVE THE OPTION OF GOING TO WORK.. SHE ON THE OTHER HAND HAS TO STAY HOME AND GET HER GRIND ON WITH ALL THE WEAK ASS TOON SHOWS!! I'M SORRY BABY AND I LOVE YOU !! BUT DAMN!!!  THAT'S GOTTA SUX REALLY BAD!!  OH AND ONE MORE THING.. IF THIS PIC IS REALLY FOR REALZ...... WE ARE ALL FUCKED!!!!

  

JUST PRAY TO WHATEVER GOD YOU PRAY TO THAT THIS IS JUST A SHITTY JOKE!!

AS ALWAYS, 100% TRUE AS SHIT!

TIL' NEXT TIME!!

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

-SONZ 0F DADZ PRODUCTION-



THANKSGIVING-TURKEY-TEQUILLA

THIS EPIC FAIL BEGINS CIRCA 1999, THANKSGIVING TIME WHEN I LIVED IN A SHIT HOLE DESERT CALLED 29 PALMS.. SOME OF YOU MIGHT KNOW THE PLACE. OTHERS MIGHT THINK, "WOW, SOUNDS LIKE A TROPICAL PARADISE." YOU WOULD BE WAY EFFING WRONG HOMEY!! THIS PLACE LITERALLY HAD 29 PALM TREES AND ZERO WILD TURKEYS.. WELL, MANY BOTTLES OF WILD TURKEY BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.  I WAS STATIONED HERE WHEN I FIRST CAME INTO THE MILITARY. BEING THAT I WAS SO FAR AWAY FROM HOME, I USUALLY DIDN'T GO HOME UNTIL BIG HOLIDAYS CAME AROUND LIKE CHRISTMAS, NEW YEARS, ETC.. I LOVE THANKSGIVING AND ITS MY FAV' BUT THE MILITARY ONLY GIVES YOU AN EXTENDED WEEKEND.  SO I HAD TO STAY AROUND TOWN.. HERE I AM IN THE FAIR TOWN OF 29 PALMS...

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS KIDDING.. SO MY GUNNERY SERGEANT, OR "GUNNY"  (HE WAS MY BOSS) HAD ALL OF HIS GUYS OVER TO HIS HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING."GUNNY" AND HIS WIFE KAREN COULD REALLY PUT ON A SPREAD.  BUT EVERY TIME WE WOULD GO OVER TO HIS HOUSE IT WAS A DRINKING CONTEST OF THE WORST SHIT EVER.. "GUNNY" WAS AND OLD CRUSTY TERD AND WEIGHED ABOUT AS MUCH AS A WET TERD BUT WE RESPECTED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. SO ME, BLOTTER, "THUNDER"DAN AND THE "MC" PLAYED HIS GAME..  HERE IS AN ALMOST ACCURATE DEPICTION OF GUNNY..

AND YES THIS IS MOSTLY HOW WE COMMUNICATED EVEN ON HOLIDAYS.. IT WAS ALWAYS  INTENSE AS SHIT!! EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SHIT HOUSED..  SO THERE WERE 3 THINGS EVER ALLOWED IN GUNNY HOUSE.  AND THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE THE MOST GUT WRENCHING MONSTER PISS KNOWN TO MAN.. COOR'S.. (NOT THE LIGHT SHIT EITHER)  BUSH MILLS (CHEAPEST PLASTIC BOTTLE WHISKEY FOR SALE) AND STANK ASS TEQUILA.. IF YOU BROUGHT ANYTHING ELSE INTO HIS HOME HE WOULD LITERALLY DICK PUNCH YOU AND TELL YOU TO.....

TRY AGAIN SWEETHEART!!!

FOR ALL MY FEMALE READERS OUT THERE "DICK PUNCHES" ARE THE WORST!! EVEN FOR BEARS...

SO JUMP TO THANKSGIVING DINNER, WE EAT AT 5 BUT WE HAVE BEEN DRINKING SINCE 11. PROLLY THE WRONG SONG TO BE JAMMING TO BUT WE DID IT NONE-THE-LESS.. WE ARE POUNDING COOR'S... AND SHOOTING SHIT ASS WHISKEY ON 15 MIN. INTERVALS.. I AM COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED BUT SOME HOW STILL ON MY GRIND... ALL OF MY BOYS ARE RIGHT THERE WITH ME AND SHIT IS GETTING DEEP... WHAT ABOUT "GUNNY" YOU ASK? HE HAS NOT FLINCHED ONCE.. EGO: THIS GUY IS A FUCKING CYBORG!!!! SHOW US THE WAY TO GREATNESS OH WISE ONE!!" ME:  HELP!! I'M ASDK*#(%&#%!! CONSCIOUS:  BAIL NOW!! BAIL NOW!! CUZ I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU JUST TRIED TO SAY!!! AT THIS POINT I HAVE COMPLETELY CHECKED OUT OF THE GAME AND EGO IS BEING DRAGGED TO THE DINNER TABLE BY THIS WRETCH OF A ROLE MODEL!! I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY HE WAS A MACHINE!!

APPARENTLY WE ALL SAT DOWN, SAID A PRAYER, WHICH I THINK IS HILARIOUS, AND BEGAN TO EAT.. AND EAT WE DID.. ALL OF IT.. AND I DON'T REMEMBER NOR RECALL TASTING ANY OF IT.. THE ONLY FLASHES THAT I GET TO THIS VERY DAY IS THAT DEATH CLOCK EVERY TIME IT WOULD RING ON THE 15 MINUTE MARK.. IT WOULD WAKE ME FROM MY BLACK OUT LONG ENOUGH FOR ANOTHER SHOT.

WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE NOR DID EGO FAIL TO MENTION IS THAT WE HAD RAN OUT OF WHISKEY.... THE COOR'S WERE FLOWING AT FULL CAPACITY AND "CYBORG GUNNY" HAD JUST CRACKED OPEN MY DEATH SENTENCE... OR EGO'S DEATH SENTENCE.. EITHER WAY I WAS TOTALLY FUCKED 6 WAYS FROM SUNDAY WITH NO HELP TO BE FOUND.. THE FUNNIEST PART ABOUT ALL OF THIS WAS AT THE TIME I WAS DATING A GIRL FROM MARYLAND AND SHE HAD FLOWN IN... WELL, I FAILED TO MENTION HER BECAUSE SHE HAS ONE PART IN THE STORY..... SHE LEFT BY HOUR 2 AND I HAVE NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN!!!! TALK ABOUT A HAPPY TURKEY DAY FOR HER..  THE ONLY FLASH OF MEMORY FOR THE NEXT 7 HOURS CONSISTED OF THIS..

TOTAL DARKNESS... THE ONLY THING THAT REMAINS IS THAT SUDDEN WAKE-UP YOU GET WHEN ALL THINGS IN YOUR BODY GO COMPLETELY WRONG AS SHIT AND IT MUST COME OUT!!!  MY GUT HAD ME WIDE ASS AWAKE AT PROLLY 9 AT NIGHT BASED OFF THE DESERT HEAT, AND DOING THE MAD DASH FOR WHAT I THOUGH WAS A CLEAR ESCAPE ROUTE AT AND THROUGH THE DOOR....

I OPEN THE DOOR AS FAST AND HARD AS I CAN AND MY BELLY ERUPTED IN THE WORST POSSIBLE PLACE... POOR, POOR SWEET LITTLE KAREN  HAD STEPPED IN FRONT OF THE DOOR AT THE SAME TIME AND GOT THE PRIVILEGE OF WEARING MY THANKSGIVING TURKEY TEQUILA.... I WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY, COVERED IN SAND AND YAK IN GUNNY AND KAREN'S DESERT FRONT YARD.. ITS WAS 11:20 IN THE MORNING.. SHE LOOKED AT ME, SMILED AND TOLD ME THAT I HAD RUINED HER SWEATER WITH THANKSGIVING DINNER.  THEN SHE SPRAYED MY PUKE JUICE OFF OF ME WITH A WATER HOSE AND LET ME DRY OUT IN THE DESERT NIGHT.. WHAT A SWEET WOMAN.. AND ALL I COULD SAY TO HER WAS..

GUNNY JUST LAUGHED AT ME, CALLED ME A WEAK ASS BITCH AND SAID I WILL SEE YA ON TUESDAY.. GOD BLESS THEM BOTH... THIS IS THE TRUE DEFINITION OF TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK.. I THINK ITS PROLLY ONE OF MY TOP 5 EPIC FAILS EVER.. ITS JUST SO UNFORGETTABLE YET FORGETTABLE ALL AT THE SAME TIME.. FOR ALL MY READERS OUT THERE THINK BEFORE YOU DRINK AND THINK EFFING TWICE BEFORE YOU MIX THANKSGIVING , TURKEY AND TEQUILA..

AS ALWAYS, 100% TRUE AS SHIT!! TIL NEXT TIME...

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

- SONZ OF DADZ PRODUCTION-

DAMN!!! that's a sweet ass jag-KIA!?!?!?!?

SO I CONSIDER MYSELF A MAN'S MAN... AND I DON'T MEAN THAT IN THE "TULIP" SENSE THAT IS RAGING THROUGH YOUR MIND RIGHT NOW. I HAVE THIS PIC UP TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH OF A REAL BAD ASS I AM EVEN IF MY ELTON JOHN TRIBUTE" SAYS OTHERWISE.. BEING A MAN'S MAN CONSIST OF REALLY LIKING MANLY SHIT.. LIKE FOOTBALL, "REAL FOOTBALL", FISHING EVEN THOUGH ITS TOO DAMN HOT TO DO THAT ISH' ALREADY IN THA' BOOT!! BATON RACING.. CUZ NOTHING SCREAMS MAAAANNN!! LIKE OUTRUNNING A KODIAK BEAR IN A BATON RACE IN A SUIT! I DO THIS KIND OF WORKOUT EVERY TUESDAY AND THURSDAY.. I RECOMMEND THIS IF YOU HAVE PLATEAUED IN YOUR OTHER WORKOUTS....

AND FINALLY MY FAVORITE.. CARS.. ITS MY TOTAL WEAKNESS.. I LOVE SPORTS CARS.. AND I HAVE HAD A TON OF THEM GROWING UP.. CAMARO'S, TRANS-AMS, GTO'S ... THE WERX.. SPECIALLY' THE OLD SKOOLY MUSCLE CARS.. MAN, ONE DAY I WILL BIG SWANG ONE OF THESE.. A 1969 CAMARO..!!! EFF MY WHOLE LIFE!!! THIS CAR IS SO BAD ASS AND ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE AND PRAY THAT ONE FALLS UNDER MY CHRISTMAS TREE ONE DAY.. I MEAN LOOK AT THIS THING!!! IT SCREAMS, "I HAVE HUGE TESTICLES AND I WANT EVERY ONE TO SEE THEM!" 

 I THINK BEING A MAN'S MAN IS A VERY STRONG QUALITY TO HAVE AND PRESERVE. I MEAN YOU NEED TO PASS THAT QUALITY DOWN TO YOUR KIDS AND SHIT.. WELL, AMERICA IS TRYING TO KILL "TESTOSTERONE" ON A DAILY BASIS BY PRODUCING SHIT BOXES LIKE THIS....   

THIS IS NOT BEING A MAN... THIS IS CALLED BEING FROM FRANCE!!! THIS KILLS THE SHIT OUT OF ME!! AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, THERE ARE A COUPLE OF THESE IN LEESVILLE, LA.. (MAN CARD REVOKED PART 1... OR UNN.) 

THE ONLY REAL MAN THAT COULD EVER GET AWAY WITH DRIVING SOMETHING AS "NANCY" AS THIS WAS MR. BEAN.

"BEAN" IS GANGSTER AS SHIT!! HE IS THE SOLE REASON THE BRITISH HAVE NOT BEEN CONQUERED. ANYWAYS, YOU GET MY POINT.. THESE THINGS ARE SUPER WEAK SAUCE AND I WANT NO PART OF THEM.. SO FAST-FORWARD A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, AND MY WIFE AND I ARE GOING TO A RETIREMENT CEREMONY.. WHILE WE ARE STANDING OUTSIDE CHATTING IT UP, I SEE A SWEET ASS RIDE PULL UP.."DAMN, LOOK AT THAT HONEY!!" THIS IS A DOPE ASS WHIP.. (REMEMBER I'M THE CAR GUY)  LACEY, NAH, I DON'T THINK ITS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.. ME: YEP, YEP IT IS.... ITS THAT NEW JAGUAR!! THE ONE I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT!!

 LACEY: YEA, OK, WHATEVER YOU SAY "EXPERT".. SO HERE I AM IN A PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THIS CAR TO COME DRIVING BY SO I CAN ACT LIKE A WINDOW LICKER IN THE MALL LOOKING IN THE CANDY SHOP FULL OF PRE-TEENS... (DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THAT GUY... JUDGERS).......... 

MY ANTICIPATION LEVEL IS A THE "NUCLEAR" STAGE BECAUSE AS I STATED BEFORE, I GEEK THE EFF' OUT OVER SHIT I CAN NEVER AFFORD... (I CALL IT BEING ON A BUDGET).. YOU WOULD CALL IT BEING BROKE AS SHIT!!... I START SWEATING AND SHIT, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO.. I GET ALL WORKED UP AND BASICALLY RUIN WHATEVER I AM WEARING.. I CALL IT HAVING AN "EPISODE"...

I REALLY HATE THIS BY THE WAY... ITS RUINS MY WHOLE DAY.. I WEAR LIKE 10 DIFFERENT SHIRTS IN ONE DAY BECAUSE OF THIS... PTSD IS A BITCH... JUS' SAYIN.. (DON'T JUDGE ME!!! I'M WOUNDED...) SO HERE I AM, TONGUE AGAINST WINDOW, PITTED THE FUCK OUT, AND ABOUT TO FAINT CUZ' I AM FREAK AND I GET HIT WITH THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE.... AND NO FOLKS, IT WASN'T A JAGUAR....... IT WAS A GOD-DAMNED' KIA!!!

OR WHAT I LIKE TO CALL IT... K.I.A.  (KILLED IN ACTION) I AM SUCH A SHIT HEAD... WHY DON'T I JUST LISTEN TO "SANE" PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME LIKE MY WIFE, OR CONSCIOUS WHEN THEY TRY TO HELP ME?? NOW I'M HOGGED UP, EMBARRASSED, NEED MEDS TO CALM DOWN, AND JUST HAD MY MAN CARD REVOKED BY A WOMAN DRIVING A EFF-ING KIA.. AND I DIDN'T EVEN BRING SOMETHING TO CHANGE INTO.. FML.  TO SAVE A LITTLE FACE....IT DOES LOOK LIKE A JAG' AT OH LETS SAY...500 FEET... RIGHT??  I FEEL LIKE THIS IS JUST A WAY FOR POSERS TO FEEL LEGIT.. AND WHEN DUDES COME UP TO ME AND TALK ABOUT HOW "IN" THE NEW CAR REVOLUTION IS I JUST WANT TO REVERT TO PLAN A.. PLAN "A" CONSISTS OF THIS.....

I KNOW WITH HOW THE ECONOMY IS AND ALL, PEOPLE SHOULD THINK SMART AND DRIVE SMART.. AND THATS FINE... BUT DRIVING SMART DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN, BEING A DOUCHE BAG IN A FIAT 500!!! JUST BECAUSE YOU SAW J-LO IN A COMMERCIAL FOR A FIAT 500 DOESN'T MEAN SHE IS WHIPPING ONE HARD AS SHIT AROUND HOLLYWOOD!!! THEY PAY HER FOR THAT COMMERCIAL GUYS... AND SHE GETS PAID WELL.. YOU ON THE OTHER HAND, DON'T GET PAID SHIT.. AND BECAUSE YOU ARE DRIVING THIS TWINKIE AROUND TOWN, YOUR "MACK" METER JUST WENT STRAIGHT TO ZERO!!  LET ME SHOW YOUR THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN J-LO IN A FIAT AND YOU IN A FIAT....

( J-LO BEING PAID TO PROMOTE THIS SHITBOX.. NOTICE SHE REFUSES TO TOUCH THIS SKATE!!!)

(DUDES IN THIS RC CAR... NOT BEING PAID.. SEE THE DIFFERENCE??) THOUGHT YOU WOULD.. 

ALL I'M SAYING WITH THIS WHOLE DEAL IS, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DON'T GET ON THE BAND WAGON OF NOT BEING A MAN, NOT DRIVING GAS GUZZLERS, AND NOT BEING AMERICAN... IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD DRIVING SOMETHING THAT GETS 10 MILES TO THE TANK, THEN CAR POOL!! PARK YOUR BEAST OF A GAS HOG AND RUN TO WORK OR SOMETHING.. DRIVE THAT SHIT ON THE WEEK-END WHEN IT REALLY MATTERS. AT LEAST YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE GETTING YOUR FITNESS ON.  THEY WILL RESPECT YOU MORE.. AND FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING NOT BENTLEY..... STOP BUYING THIS EFFING CAR !!!!

NO MATTER HOW BIG YOUR RIMS ARE OR SHINEY YOUR GRILL IS OR HOW YOUR DOORS OPEN UP RETARDED AS FUCK, IT WILL NEVER BE A BENTLEY!!!! JUST GIVE UP THAT DREAM HOMEY...  YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE!! (OH AND THIS CAR IS OWNED BY FIAT NOW IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW)... BE LIKE ME.... DRIVE AMERICAN, MADE IN AMERICA AND ASSEMBLED IN MEXICO!!!!  ITS CHEAPER THAT WAY..

I HOPE EVERYONE GETS A CHUCKLE OUT OF THIS.. I THINK ITS HILARIOUS THAT WE REVERT TO SUCH THINGS AS TINY SKATES AND FLUX CAPACITORS TO SAVE A BUCK.. ITS NOT REALLY WORKING GUYS..  HAVE A HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND AND MAKE SURE IF YOU SEE A VET, TALK TO A VET AND THANK THEM..

TIL' NEXT TIME.. AS ALWAYS,

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL...

 -A SONZ OF DADZ PRODUCTION-