SO TODAY MY AWESOMENESS IS ABOUT..... UMMMM, THIS BIG!!! AS YOU CAN SEE, AM TRYING TO BLEND IN WITH THE LOCAL POPULATION BY WEARING THE NATIVE "GARB" OF TRASHGANISTAN.. OH, AND IT WAS COLD AS EFFFF!! THAT DAY.. SO, BOOM!!! AS ALWAYS MY 30 SECONDS OF TOTAL SWEET-ASS-NESS ON THE ENTRO-WEBZ COMPLETE!
DURING MY 33 YEARS OF ROCK STAR STATUS I HAVE SEEN A PRETTY LARGE AMOUNT OF VIOLENCE, GUN BATTLES (MILITARY..NO GANG-BANGER HERE) ASS-WHIPPINGS AND JUST STRAIGHT UP CURB STOMPING SCUFF UPS.. BUT NOTHING, AND I MEAN NOTHING CAN COMPARE TO THE PHYSICAL AND VERBAL ABUSE THAT YOU WILL EXPERIENCE DURING A SPORTS COMPETITION IN LOUISIANA!! ESPECIALLY T-BALL!!!!....... I KNOW THAT SOUNDS HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT IT IS THE DEAD BALLZ' TRUTH... I HAVE SEEN UMPIRES ESCORTED OUT WITH NO LESS THAN A 3 MAN SECURITY DETAIL FROM THE DEATH STAR.....
PARENTS BRANDISHING FIREARMS AND SHIT..............
AND CHILDREN NEEDING PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING AFTER THEIR GREAT-GAM GAM'S THREATEN TO MONKEY STOMP THEM IF THEY MISS ANOTHER IN-FIELD FLY BALL.........
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE SHIT THAT GOES DOWN DURING THESE EVENTS BRING MY PTSD TO A SUPER HIGH LEVEL OF OHHH SHIT!! TAKE COVER, AND PULL ALL GRENADE PINS NOW!!! I MEAN I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WEAR EVERY PIECE OF BODY ARMOR EVER ISSUED TO ME IN THE MILITARY.. BUT FOR SOME REASON IT NEVER FEELS LIKE ENOUGH...
CASE IN POINT: MY NEPHEW IS A PHENOM WHEN IT COMES TO T-BALL.. PROLLY BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN PLAYING SOME FORM OF IT SINCE BEFORE HE WAS ABLE TO TELL HIS "MOMMA" THAT HE HAD POOPY ON HIS BOOTY DOO FACTORY.. AND THAT'S AN ACCURATE ASS HELL STATEMENT.. EVEN WHEN HE WAS PLAYING WEE-BALL, (SUPER YOUNG ASS VERSION OF T-BALL.. LIKE 6 MONTH OLD YOUNG!) THE KID HAD MAD WHEELS AND A STRONG AS EFFF BAT!! OH AND HE'S ONLY 6!! I DECIDED TO TAKE MY LIL' BLUE CHIPPER PRODIGY,"MY SON, CA$H MONEY"!! TO MY NEPHEW'S T-BALL GAME.. IT WAS IN THE LIL' TOWNSHIP OF ROSPINE... A REAL METROPOLIS IN TERMS OF CITIES.. ME AND CA$H MADE PLANS FOR A NICE, FRIENDLY GAME OF SMALL-BALL AND MAYBE A SNOW CONE TO LIVEN UP OUR EVENING. YOU KNOW, SOME REAL DAD SHIT....WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE WAS THAT I WOULD BE TAKING MY SON, INTO A LITERAL SOMALI WAR ZONE!
HOLY SHIT!!!! I MEAN I WAS NOT PREPARED WHAT-SO-EVA FOR THIS!! I IMMEDIATELY PLANNED ESCAPE ROUTES, RALLY POINTS AND FINAL PROTECTIVE FIRING LINES!! THIS SQUABBLE WAS LEGIT AS HELL!!. SO WE HELD OUR BREATH AND SNOW CONES TIGHT AND HEADED TO OUR SIDE OF THE CIVIL WAR... WHEN WE GOT TO OUR COVERED AND CONCEALED POSITION I LINKED UP WITH MY BROTHER AND ASKED...." DO YOU HAVE A EXTRA PISTOL, OR FUCKING SHANK I CAN PROTECT MYSELF WITH??" HE LOOKS AT ME AND SPITS..... BROTHER: "HELL, THEY AIN'T EVEN TOOKEDED' THE FIELD YET.. THAT'S THE CHEERLEADERS.." ME: "UR' SHITTIN' ME RIGHT?? THESE BITCHES HAD TO BE 35! I NEED SOME BIRTH CERTIFICATES OR SOME SHIT!" BROTHER:"NAW, THEY COME OUT OF THE DUG OUTS, I.E. (MACHINE GUN TRENCHES) IN BOUT' 5 MINUTES" ME: I GUESS THAT GIVES ME ABOUT 3 MIKES TO DIG IN AND FORTIFY MY FIGHTING POSITION..... TITTIES!! SO ME AND CA$HMAN DIG IN LIKE ALABAMA TICKS..............
PLAY BALL!!!!! SOUNDS OVER THE INTERCOM FOLLOWED BY MASS AMOUNTS OF GUNFIRE AND YELLING! ITS SOUNDS LIKE A DAMN INDIAN WAR PARTY!!I GRAB ME AND CA$HMAN'S SCALP TIGHT... LET THE MADNESS BEGIN! I MEAN, IT WASN'T THE 1ST AT BAT OF THE GAME AND MOTHERS ARE CUSSING OTHER MOTHERS WHILE BREAST FEEDING, DAD'S ARE DRINKING MASS AMOUNTS OF BEER AND SCREAMING AT THEIR KIDS SHIT LIKE, " I'LL WHIP UR LITTLE ASS IF YOU DROP THAT DAMNED BALL AGAIN!!, I SWEAR I'LL BEAT THE BRAKES OFF YOU LIL' BOBBY!!! BUURRPPP!!" I MEAN TALK ABOUT ABUSE!!! I DON'T KNOW WHERE CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES (CPS) WERE ON THIS SUNNY AFTERNOON, BUT THEY COULD HAVE MET THEIR QUOTA AND THEN SOME.. THIS SHIT IS CRAZY!! BALL PLAYERS CRYING, WILD WEST DRAWN DOWNS AT HIGH NOON BY THE CONCESSION STAND, GREAT GAM-GAM SELLIN' SKUNK FROM THEIR LITTLE RASCALS YELLING PROFANITIES THAT YOU DON'T HEAR ON XXX-PORN MOVIES, THE WORX!!! I'M TELLING YOU BOTTOM LINE UP FRONT "BLUF" FULL FRONTAL MIDDLE-EASTERN COMBAT DIDNT HAVE SHIT ON THIS!! I WAS SO NERVOUS MY STOMACH STARTED SHITTING ON ITSELF!! THIS WAS EFFING INTENSE!! BY THE 7TH INNING, I HAD HAD MORE THAN MY SHARE OF CUSSINGS, OBJECTS THROWN WILDLY AND DEATH THREATS FOR 10 MEN.. TIME TO EXFIL!!! I TOLD MY BROTHER THAT THE NEXT TIME HE WANTS US TO SUPPORT ANY TYPE OF LITTLE LEAGUE COMBAT IT WOULD HAVE TO BE IN A MORE PUBLIC VENUE, NOT BY THE POPPY FIELDS OF ROSPINE... AND I'M GONNA NEED SOME UNIFORMED POLICE THERE TOO.. MAYBE A NATIONAL GUARD PRESENCE CAUSE THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!! I MEAN, BY THE TIME I GOT MY ASS OUT OF THERE, I WAS IN A FULL-ON SWEAT, BRUISED AND BLOODY FROM DUCKING FOR COVER, AND WORRIED AS SHIT THAT I WAS GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE A TIRE CAUSE' THAT SHIT HAD BEEN STRAIGHT JACKED!!! IT SHOULD HAVE COUNTED AS A FULL TOUR OF MILITARY COMBAT! THE CRAZIEST PART ABOUT IT THOUGH..... ITS JUST ANOTHER DAY OF SPORTS IN LOUISIANA!! AND THAT IS THE GOSPEL.. HONESTLY I JUST PICKED T-BALL FOR THIS ESSAY OF MINE BECAUSE IT IS THE ROOT OF ALL SPORTS GROWING UP... EVERYONE STARTS OFF WITH T-BALL.. I THINK ITS PART OF A STATE AGREEMENT THAT IS PLACED ON YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE PRIOR TO LEAVING THE HOSPITAL OR PART OF IMMUNIZATION SHOTS THAT ENGINEERS YOUR DNA ON A GENETIC LEVEL TO PLAY T-BALL PRIOR TO ALL OTHER SPORTS......... NO SHIT!!................................................................
BUT WITH ALL OTHER STIGMAS THAT COME WITH BEING FROM LOUISIANA, ONE THING IS FOR SURE... YOU CAN NOT MESS WITH US IN SPORTS!! YOU WILL GET ROMPED ON IN MORE WAYS THEN ONE WHEN IT COMES TO PEE-WEE, HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE SPORTS!! FOR US, AND I WILL SAY STATES LIKE MISSISSIPPI, ALABAMA AND YES EVEN ARKANSAS WE PUT FOOT TO ASS, AND HEART AND SOUL INTO OUR SPORTS PROGRAMS.. OUR COLLEGE SPORTS ARE OUR PRO TEAMS AND ALL WE WANT IS OUR KIDS TO PERFORM AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL POSSIBLE.. SO WE MAKE SURE OUR KIDS, FRIENDS KIDS AND NEIGHBORS KIDS GET "DROVE".. THX SIGI!!" SO THEY CAN MAKE THE CUT. NOBODY WANTS TO BE AT A FRIENDLY COOKOUT AND SAY THAT 'LIL BOBBY' IS ON THE CHESS TEAM AND HE'S DOING GREAT!! REALLY, DUDE, REALLY?? CHESS MASTER?NOT MY KID!! HE MAY BE A ROCK BITER, AND BE IN REGULAR ASS MATH, BUT HE WILL KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR MATH WIZARD!! MAN, ITS THE SOUTH.... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU, I DON'T SEE TOO MANY CHESS WIZZ KIDS SCORING BIG SCHOLARSHIPS OR HOT BROADS BY TAKING YOUR QUEEN WITH MY ROOK!! THEY MIGHT IN FACT BE A "QUEEN"
REMEMBER, THE QUARTERBACK ALWAYS GETS THE CHICK,GETS THE BIG PAYDAYS AND GETS ALL THE FAME! EVEN IF HE'S UGLY AS SHIT!!
IF YOU WANT TO BE A STUD IN CHESS MAYBE YOU NEED TO MOVE YOUR WEAK ASS TO RUSSIA.. I HEAR THEY LIKE THAT TYPE OF "GAMER" OVER THERE!!
DISCLAIMER: DON'T TAKE WHAT I AM SAYING AS AN INSULT.. CHESS IS COOL...KINDA, I MEAN I DON'T REALLY KNOW BUT IF THAT IS WHAT YOUR KIDS DO... THEN COOL. GO BIG OR GO HOME!! JUST DON'T BRING THAT SHIT TO THE BALL PARK!! WE LOVE OUR SPORTS IN THE SOUTH.. SPECIALLY' THE DEEP DIRTY SOUTH!!! STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS, TOURNAMENTS AND COLLEGE BALL IS WHAT WE THRIVE ON.. YEA, WE HAVE SOME BIG TIME BALLERZ' THAT CANT MAKE THE GRADE, BUT THEY GET THE SHIT TUTORED OUT OF THEM TO MAINTAIN THAT 1.9999998 GPA TO STAY ELIGIBLE.. (YOU GOTTA ROUND THAT SHIT UP YO!!!) BUT DON'T GET IT TWISTED, WE DO HAVE SOME UTTER WIZ KIDS PITCHING, SHOOTING, THROWING, TACKLING AND CATCHING ERY' DAY!! SO MAKE SURE YOU SHOW RESPECT WHEN MY WIZ BANG OF A KID TAKES ALL YOUR KIDS CHICKS AND GETS CARRIED OFF THE FIELD FOR A PARADE IN HIS HONOR.. JUS' SAYIN....... SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST RIGHT?? FO' SHO!! OH AND ENDING A GAME IN A TIE IS TOTAL HORSE SHIT!!!!
AS ALWAYS, UNTIL NEXT TIME....
ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!
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