The body is an amazing thing....NOW PULL THIS PIECE OVER BERFORE I GET BOOTY MUD ALL OVER YOUR NICE NEW LEATHER!!

AGAIN, IF YOU FORGOT..... THIS IS ME.. AND AGAIN, PROLLY THE MOST AWESOMEST' OPERATOR YOU WILL RUN INTO IN ABOUT 3 SECONDS ON THE ENTRO'WEB...  THX FOR THE LOVE IN ADVANCE. AND AS ALWAYS I CAN SEND OUT THE PICS WITH SIGNATURE'S TO FANS AT A LOW LOW COST.. CALL FOR DETAILS..  SO I CAME UP WITH THIS LITTLE WRITE-UP BECAUSE IT MOSTLY PERTAINS TO ME AND MY TRIALS WITH DAILY LIFE.  BUT IN SAYING THAT,  I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED TO EVERYONE AT LEAST 20 TIMES IN THEIR LIVES.  AND ALL 20 OF THOSE EXPERIENCES WERE SO HORRIFYING THAT THEY SHAPED HOW YOU "SHOOT, MOVE AND COMMUNICATE" FOR THE REST OF YOU EXISTENCE!!  SO HERE IT IS...

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE I HAVE HAD TO BE IN A DEAD BALLS SPRINT FOR A BATHROOM, I.E. "CRAPPER" LOL.... ITS SO FUNNY BUT SO EFF-ING SERIOUS ALL AT ONCE..  YOU HAVE NEVER HAD AN ON-SET OF PANIC, HIGH FEVER, STAMINA, ADRENALINE, FEAR AND EMBARRASSMENT ALL IN THE SPAN OF 5 SECONDS IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE..  AND OH GOD PLEASE DON'T BE ON A DATE OR TRYING TO BE SWAGGERIFIC TO A CHICKA' CAUSE GUESS WHAT???..... THE DATE JUST FUCKING ENDED!!! LOL..  IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN UNDER ATTACK BY THIS TERRORIST PLOT ORCHESTRATED BY YOUR LIL' BOOTY HOLE TROLL YOU CAN CERTAINLY FEEL MY PAIN AND KNOW WHY I HAVE BECOME SOMEWHAT OF A DOOM'S DAY PREPPER WHEN IT COMES TO PUBLIC RESTROOMS AND RANDOM PUBLIC VENUES.  YOU WILL, AS I DO, FIND YOURSELF REACHING FOR YOUR FAITH AND PRAYING FOR THE LORD'S SAVING GRACE AT THIS POINT OF YOUR DAY..  I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BLOG SPACE TO WRITE ABOUT ALL OF MY EPISODES BUT I WILL SHARE WITH YOU SOME OF MY......UUMMMM GREATER SAVES AND SUPER CLOSE CALLS..

SO AROUND SPRING/SUMMER OF 2000, I WAS LIVING AROUND PALM SPRINGS, CA.. BEING SINGLE AND LIVING UP THE CALI SCENE, I MET A LIFE GUARD, WE WILL CALL HER "SWIM FAN".  BACK THEN IT WAS SUPER EASY TO LOOK UBER IN-SHAPE AND I CARRIED MYSELF AS SUCH..  TONS OF SUPPLEMENTS, TONS OF BOOZE AND TONS OF GYM TIME. SO IT WAS EASY TO SAY THAT SHE WAS INTERESTED... YOU WOULD TO IF YOU LOOKED AS JACKED AS SHIT LIKE ME!!!!            

SO AS SMOOTH AND HOT BUTTER ON TOAST, I FLEXED AS HARD AS I COULD, DID A BEER BONG SHOOTER, " CAUSE THATS WHAT THE EFF YOU DID IN 2000 AT THE POOL SON!!" AND ASKED SWIM FAN OUT ON A DATE.. RESULTS:  TOTAL FUCKING SCORE!!  BOOM!   I AM TOTALLY PUMPED, BUST UP OUT THE POOL AN HOUR LATER, GOT TO MY APARTMENT AND PREP FOR THE GYM..  PRE-PREP GYM RITUAL IN 2000,  INGEST AS MUCH SUPPS AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, HOLD BACK THE PUKE FOR 20 "MIKES"  THAT'S MINUTES FOLKS, AND HEAD TO THE WEIGHT PILE.. AT THIS MOMENT.... NO WORRIES... WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE FUNNIEST, WORST BLOW TO MY SUPER HUMAN EGO TO THAT DATE!

SO GYM'S DONE, BODY THRASHING COMPLETE. WHAT TIME IS IT??  TIME FOR A RETARDED AMOUNT OF PROTEIN... 100 GRAM SUPER SHAKE FROM THE SMOOTHIE KING.. I THINK IT WAS CALLED THE INCREDIBLE HULK OR SOME SILLY SHIT.. OH, IT WAS INCREDIBLE AND HULKY ALRIGHT!!  I GET BACK TO THE APARTMENT, FEELING LIKE I'M GONNA DIE, AND SIT COMPLETELY STILL FOR A GOOD HOUR HOPING I CAN KEEP ALL THIS MADNESS DOWN ASSURING MYSELF THAT MY MIND, BODY AND EGO ARE GROWING BY THE SECOND.. WHO KNEW THAT DOOM WAS GROWNING IN MY GULLET.. NOT ME THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE..  AN HOUR LATER I FEEL THAT IT IS SAFE TO MOVE, I GLIDE TO THE BEDROOM TO GET READY......  LET THE CONQUEST BEGIN.. MY EGO SAY'S "SWIM FAN" HAS NO CHANCE, MY BOOTY DOO SAY'S THAT IT WILL RULE THE DAY..... IF I WOULD HAVE ONLY KNOWN IN ADVANCE... EFF-NG AAA COTTON, EFF-NG A!!! 

  D-DAY IS HERE, I AM FRESH DRESS LIKE A MILLION BUCKS...(SNOOP DOGG) PRESSED DOWN, "NOT REALLY" BUT DEF. GOT MY SOUTHERN CALI SWAG GOING HARD AT THE MOMENT.  CARGO SHORTS, SMEE'DIUM POLO, AND FLIPPY FLOPPIES!! MONEY IN THE BANK.. SIDE BAR....  BEING IN THE MILITARY AND THE INFANTRY YOU RARELY WEAR SKIVIES... OR UNDERWEAR FOR MY PEEPS THAT AREN'T IN THE KNOW. BUT FOR WHATEVER REASON I DECIDED TO ROCK A PAIR OF BOXERS.. I GUESS I WAS FEELING LIKE I NEEDED TO BE PRUDISH, OR POLITE, WHAT EVER THE CASE, I HAD THEM ON FOR THIS DATE WITH DESTINY...."THANK CHRIST" 

SO I PICK UP SWIM FAN, GET ON THE HIGHWAY AND MOVE TO THE FINAL DESTINATION.. P.F. CHANG'S!!  MY FAVE SPOT!!  INDA' WERLD!!!  SHE IS TALKING ABOUT NOTHING IMPORTANT, TO ME IT SOUNDS LIKE CHARLIE BROWN'S SCHOOL TEACHER.. YOU CAN TELL I AM REALLY INTO HER INTELLECTUAL SIDE... MY EGO KEEPS TALKING TO ME... REMEMBER, CONQUEST!!! ALL ABOUT THE NUMBERS...IMPRESS, IMPRESS, IMPRESS.. PROMISE EVERYTHING, GIVE NOTHING!!! I FELT LIKE A VIKING OR SPARTAN WARRIOR OR SOMETHING...  ONLY THING IN MY MIND...  WIN THE GAME, ITS ALL ABOUT SLANGIN' DICK AND PAYIN' CHILD SUPPORT!!!!BLAHAHA!!!  AND THEN IT HAPPENED...

I RECEIVED THE MOST INTENSE STAB TO MY GUT I HAD EVER EXPERIENCED TO DATE.. THIS PIC ABOVE CAN'T EVEN COMPARE, BUT TO PUT THIS INTO PERSPECTIVE, ITS THE BEST I CAN DO.. I MEAN, IT HIT ME SO HARD, I SWERVED AND ALMOST CRASHED MY SWEET ASS HONDA ACCORD COUPE.. I KNEW THEN THAT THIS WOULD BE THE BIGGEST TEST/CHALLENGE I WOULD EVER ENDURE.. FEAR FACTOR DIDN'T HAVE SHIT ON ME CAUSE' I WAS FUCKING AFRAID!!!  MY EGO WAS TALKING TO ME ALL CALM AND SHIT, " YOU GOT THIS BRO, YOU'RE THE EFFING MAN HOMBRE'  BE COOL AND WHEN WE GET TO THE RESTAURANT, RELEASE THE DEMONS, CHECK BACK INTO THE GAME, COMPLETE THE MISSION,AND RAVE TO YOUR BRO'S ABOUT THE CONQUEST YOU HAD WITH SWIM FAN."  MY CONSCIOUS ON THE OTHER HAND, WAS TELLING ME THAT THE GIG WAS FUCKING UP, TURN THIS FUCKER AROUND CAUSE IT AIN'T IN THE CARDS BOSS MAN!!  YOUR FAILURE IS WELL IN HAND!!!  YOU WILL NOT FINISH THE RACE!!  WELL, LIKE EVERY MAN THAT WILL REFUSE TO ADMIT TO HIS WIFE THAT HE IS LOST ON A ROAD TRIP, THIS WAS NO DIFFERENT...  MY CONSCIOUS COULD EAT A BIG FAT ONE CAUSE I WOULD SUCCEED...  GO STRAIGHT TO HELL CONSCIOUS, I RUN THE FUCKING SHOW AROUND HERE!!! I'M IN FUCKING COMMAND!!!



I COMPOSE MYSELF AND GET MY WHIP' BACK ON THE ROAD... SWIM FAN, " ARE YOU OK?"  YEA I'M COOL, JUST CAUGHT A CRAMP OR SOMETHING.. HAD A HARD SESSION IN THE GYM TODAY.. MAX OUT DAY YOU KNOW.....  4 PLATES ON EACH SIDE, GOT THAT SHIT 3 TIMES... JUST SAYIN'..  AND THEN I FEEL THE SWEAT.....  THAT'S THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO NOTICE WHEN TRYING TO FIGHT OFF THE DOODY MONSTER FOR 5 MORE MILES... NO, NO,NO !!!!  NOT THE SWEATS!!!!  THINGS IN MY LIFE ARE GETTING REALLY FUCKING BAD..  I START TO BREAK OUT INTO SWEATS.. AND I DON'T MEAN JUST A COUPLE OF DOTS ON YO 4-HEAD.. I MEAN NIAGARA FUCKING FALLS SWEATS....  SWIM FAN IS STARTING TO GET NERVOUS BECAUSE ALL TALKING HAS STOPPED, UTTER FUCKING SILENCE..  I HIT THE PARKING LOT, HIT THE E-BRAKE, JAM IT IN PARK AND SNATCH THIS BROAD OUT THA' CAR!! SHE NOW LOOKS VISABLY SHAKEN.  LIKE A BATTERED WOMAN GETTING DROPPED OFF AT THE WOMEN'S SHELTER OR SOMETHING. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A FROG'S ASS BEING WATER TIGHT?? CAN YOU VISUALIZE WHAT THAT MIGHT LOOK LIKE UP CLOSE?? WELL, I WAS CLENCHED UP LIKE A NEWBIE IN THE SHOWERS OF CELL BLOCK 4 SON!!! NOTHING IN OR OUT!! OR SO I THOUGHT... 

WE MAKE IT TO THE LAST 300 YARDS OF THE BOARD WALK.. DEAD SILENCE, NO JIBBER JABBER RIGHT NOW BITCH!!! IM UNDER SERIOUS PRESSURE HERE!! BEFORE I KNOW IT, I UNCONSCIOUSLY LOOK UP AND SEE A SIGN OFF TO THE RIGHT....

I THINK I WENT INTO BLACK OUT DRIVE OR SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, BUT I DITCHED SWIM FAN AND WENT INTO A FULL DEAD BALL SPRINT!!  WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I COULD FLY, I MEAN LIKE FUCKING IRON MAN!!  IF OLYMPIC SCOUTS WOULD HAVE BEEN ON THE RIVER WALK THAT DAY, THEY WOULD CONFIRM THAT USAIN BOLT COULDN'T CARRY MY JOCK STRAP!!  AND OH BY THE WAY, I WAS LOOKING LIKE A 2 YEAR OLD GRABBING HIS ASS TELLING HIS MOMMY "POOPY!!"

I HIT THE DOOR PRAYING THAT THIS TOILET WASN'T TRASHED.. I HAVE SUCH A PROBLEM WITH NASTY BATHROOMS.. I'M SURE ALL OF YOU DO TOO..  THE DOOR SWINGS WILDLY,... ONE STALL, AWW FUCK, BELT IS STUCK SOME HOW ON THE ELASTIC BAND OF MY BOXERS....WHAT THA' FUCK!!!!!  RIPPPPPPP!!!!  BOXERS NO LONGER WEARABLE.... YES!!!!!  DOOM'S DAY AVERTED... WE MADE IT.. THANK GOD!!  NOW LET THE JACKSON POLLOCK ABSTRACT PAINTING BEGIN!!.  SO AS I SIT THERE REFLECTING ON ALL THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING I JUST WENT THROUGH, I START TO THINK ABOUT WHAT KIND OF VISUAL I JUST LEFT SWIM FAN WITH.. I COULDN'T HELP BUT LAUGH AND ALMOST CRY AT THE FACT THAT WITHOUT A DOUBT THE CONQUEST WOULD NEVER HAPPEN..  I WOULD HAVE TO #1 LIE TO MY BOYS AND HOPE THAT I WAS NEVER FOUND OUT, OR #2 TRUTH UP AND BE A MAN, GET LAUGHED AT AND LAUGH AT MYSELF.. I WENT WITH #2 AND CRIED WITH MY BOY'S FOR A WEEK OVER MY FLUB..  THE LAST BIG FUCK YOU I RECEIVED WAS WHILE I WAS FINISHING UP, AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT..... NO EFF-ING TP!!!!! MOTHA' FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHY ME!!!  ALL I COULD THINK OF AT THE TIME WAS MARSELLUS WALLACE LOOKIN' AT ME SAYING, "THAT'S PRIDE FUCKIN' WIT YA"

FINALLY I HAD GIVEN UP ALL HOPES OF SALVAGING THE EVENING.. I DON'T THINK I COULD LOOK AT SWIM FAN IN THE EYES AND TELL HER THE TRUTH... THAT I HAD OVERLOADED MY POOR BODY WITH SUPP'S AND WORKOUT AWESOMENESS IN HOPES OF ADDING ANOTHER NOTCH TO THE OLE' BELT.. WHAT A CLOWN I WAS.... SHE DID HOWEVER SAVE ME WHAT LITTLE EGO I HAD LEFT BY DITCHING ME BEFORE I COULD GET FINISHED WITH MY EXORCISM..LOL..  I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN, REALLY, NOT EVEN AT THE POOL.  CRAZY HOW THINGS WORKOUT I GUESS. I LEARNED A FEW THINGS THAT DAY...  NEVER OVERLOAD ON SUPP'S PRIOR TO A POSSIBLE HAYDAY WITH A RANDOM, FUCK SMOOTHIE KING AND THEIR INCREDIBLE FUCK YOU UP SUPER SHAKE, AND NEVER LISTEN TO YOUR EGO WHEN YOUR CONSCIOUS SAYS OTHER WISE.. I HAVE LEARNED THAT YOUR CONSCIOUS IS GOD REACHING OUT TO YOU AND TRYING HIS BEST TO SAVE YOU A LITTLE FACE.. 

I AM SURE YOU ALL HAVE LIVED A SIMILAR STORY.. I HAVE HAD OTHER OCCURRENCES BUT NONE AS EDUCATING AS THIS ONE. MY WIFE AND I LAUGH AT MY RANDOM PROBLEMS IN PUBLIC PLACES BECAUSE IN THE END, THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DO.... LAUGH... FOR ALL WHO READ THIS, I HOPE IT BRIGHTENS YOUR DAY.. IT DAMN SURE MAKES ME LAUGH AT HOW DUMB I REALLY WAS WHEN I WAS A YOUNG THUNDERCAT!!! UNTIL NEXT TIME.....

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!