THE BADDEST DUDE ON ROLLER SKATES YOU NEVER HEARD OF..

BACK IN MY DAY ROLLING ON SKATES WITH YOUR HOMEYS WAS SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS!  IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT WHO COULD DO THE MOST FUNKY FRESH TRICKS AND WHO COULD GET THE MOST SPEED AROUND THE "RINK' WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF ASS BUSTING. I COULD DEF. HOLD MY OWN AND WAS ALWAYS ONE OF THE LAST COOL MUTHA' EFFERS LEFT IN THE HOKEY POKEY CIRCLE. 

BA'LEEDDAT!!!

I WILL SAY THOUGH, I NEVER REACHED MY TRUE POTENTIAL IN THE SPORT.  YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT I AM GONNA BLAME 2 PEOPLE FOR MY LACK OF PERFORMANCE AND MY RISE TO "ROLLER RINK" HALL-O-FAME STATUS; MY MOTHER AND THE 35 YEAR OLD "PEDY" THAT WORKED, LIVED, ATE, SHIT AND SLEPT UNDER THE DISCO BALL.. (YOU SHITTY SHITTY HUMAN).  THERE ARE 2 PHASES OF FAILURE HERE SO I WILL START WITH THE LEAST OF THE 2 FAILURES...... MOM

MOM

BACK IN THE DAY MOM AND DAD WORKED FULL TIME JOBS AS MOST PARENTS DID.  I WAS 8 GOING ON 28 AND THOUGHT THAT I NEEDED 0 SUPERVISION.. MOM AND OLE DAD THOUGHT OTHER WISE.  SO INSTEAD OF BEING A "LATCH KEY" KID, MOM PUT ME AND MY BROTHER IN DAYCARE AFTER SCHOOL AND DURING THE SUMMER.. DURING SCHOOL WAS LAME SAUCE BUT DURING THE SUMMER IT GOT PRETTY GANGSTER AT THE KINDER-KARE.  WE WOULD GO ON LITTLE FIELD TRIPS AND SHIT. THE MOVIES, CHUCKY-CHEESES AND THE ROLLER RINK..  I HAD ALWAYS BEEN PRETTY GOOD ON MY FEET AND QUICK AS SHIT ERY'DAY.. I HAD TO DUCK MY DAD FROM BEATINGS THAT I DESERVED SO I KEPT MY SHIT HELLA QUICK.. IT PAID BIG TIME ON THE ROLLER WHEELS.. ANY WHO, BECAUSE EVERYBODY IN THE 80'S, OR AT LEAST MY FAMILY'S WALLET WAS LOCKED UP TIGHT... WHAT THAT MEANS IS TOM-TOM DOESN'T GET TOP OF THE LINE EQUIPMENT TO SHOW OFF HIS SKILLS... KINDA LIKE THAT K-MART SHIT I TALKED ABOUT A MONTH AGO.  INSTEAD MY ROLLER SKATE RENTALS LOOKED LIKE THIS.....

I'M 8 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME, FASHION IS NOT AT THE TOP OF MY LIST OF THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT AND ITS DARK AT THE ROLLER RINK.WITH ONLY THE SPARKLE OF THE DISCO BALL  I AM STILL SCREAMING

TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT!!

 BECAUSE I KNEW JUST FROM THE BIG ASS WEAK FUCKING STOPPER ON THE FRONT THAT I WAS GONNA BE POSING HARD CORE.  I WAS SO MAD AT THE FACT THAT I WAS GONNA BE LOOKING LIKE A COMPLETE RAGING BONER GLIDING AROUND THE OVAL OF SPEED WITH SOME TAN HOOPTY CLASSICS!! BUT WHAT COULD I DO?  NOT SKATE AND GRADUATE TO TOTAL ASS CLOWN AND GET MADE FUN OF OVER  THE ROLLER RINK DJ MICROPHONE.. HELL TO THE HELL EFFING NO SON!! LETS DO THIS..

OH AND BY THE WAY, WE WERE DOING THAT COSMIC SKATING SHIT WELL BEFORE THE BOWLING POSERS ON FRIDAY EVER DREAMED IT A REALITY!!! BOOM!! OWNED BOWLING TERDS!!.

FOR THE SAKE OF KEEPING THIS AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE, I RULED ON SKATES.. AND SO YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T ALREADY.. THE UPGRADE TO KILLER ASS SPEED SKATES WERE $1.. DO YOU KNOW WHAT 4 QUARTERS GOT YOU ON THE SKATING RINK??

TOTAL FUCKING SUPREMACY!!

THAT'S RIGHT YA'LL.. THESE BAD MUTHA FUCKERS HERE!! THESE BEASTS ON WHEELS WERE QUICK AS SHIT AND SUPER SWEET UNDER SOME BLACK LIGHT ACTION!! I KNOW YOU PEOPLE FEEL ME ON THIS!!! RIGHT?? AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, I HAVE YET TO PUT ONE SINGLE EFFING PINKY TOE IN A PAIR OF THESE ROLLER ROCKETS!! 1 DOLLAR MOM, JUST 1 DOLLAR AND I COULD HAVE BEEN IMMORTAL!! AND YOU FAILED ME... SO SO FUCKING SAD... THX FOR KEEPING ME AVERAGE AS SHIT MOM.. THAT WAS FAIL#1..

#2 FAIL: 35 YR OLD ROLLER PHENOM

LISTEN PEOPLE, IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN TO JUST THE ENTRANCE DOOR OF A "SKATING RINK", YOU HAVE SEEN THIS ASS-HOLE DOING HOT LAPS AROUND 3 YEAR OLD TODDLERS LIKE APOLLO FUCKING ONO!! HE IS SUCH A CREEP BUT HE IS SO FUCKING AMAZING AT THE SAME TIME...

ITS SUCH BULLSHIT..  I MEAN HE'S GOT THE SPEED SKATES, THE WIND SUIT, AND THE BALANCE OF A CRANE!! AND THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS BLAST AROUND LITTLE KIDS AND SHOW THEM HOW BAD THEY SUCK AT YOUR FULL TIME OCCUPATION? REALLY.  AND CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY THIS BAG OF DOUCHE LINES UP FOR THE RACES WITH LITTLE KIDS DURING THE GAMES PORTION OF SKATING TIMES!?!?!?

THIS FUCKING WORM WAS THE ONLY REASON I EVER LOST  THE SUPER SPEED MAD DASH RACE, THE LIMBO, THE SUPER DUPER TRAIN GAME AND THE MUTHA FUCKING HOKEY FUCKING POKEY!!!! YOU TOOK ALL THE PRIDE THAT I HAD WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD AT THE ROLLER RINK YOU HEARTLESS, UNEDUCATED, HOMELESS TRACK SUIT WEARING, SPEED SKATE HAVING PEDOPHILE FROM PLANET "I'M BETTER THAN EVERY KID AT SKATING"!!!

AND TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY YOU HAD THESE TYPES OF "COOL" MUTHER FUCKERS THAT WOULD COME IN LOOKING LIKE PANAMA JACK TO JUST "CHILL" AND LET OFF SOME STEAM..

TO YOU SIR I SAY, THE ONLY COOL YOU HAVE IS THOSE SWEET ASS SPEED SKATES THAT MAKE YOU WAY BETTER THAN YOU REALLY ARE..  YOU COULD REALLY LOOK AT SPEED SKATE LIKE STEROIDS AND HGH.. ITS TRUE!! THEY INCREASE EVERY SKATING CAPABILITY BY ATLEAST 30%.. 

IN CLOSING I HAVE SINCE PUT AWAY ANY GRANDURE OF BEING A ROLLER SKATING MARVEL... OH, I CAN STILL GET BUSY ON THEM, I KNOW IT IN MY HEART.. BUT I DON'T THINK I WILL TEST THE WATERS.. THESE 2 DUDES ARE PROLLY STILL THERE KILLIN IT ON THE REG.!!  AND NO, I DO NOT, WILL NOT, OR HAVE NOT USED, PROMOTED OR SUGGESTED TO ANYONE TO EVER GET IN A PAIR OF ROLLER BLADES.....I THINK ITS WAY TOO UN-ORIGINAL... AND PEOPLE START ACTING REALLY FUCKING STUPID WHEN YOUR WHEELS ARE IN A STRAIGHT ASS LINE!!

AS ALWAYS, 100% TRUE AS SHIT!!

UNTIL NEXT TIME.....

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

a-sonz-of-dadz- production-