HOW "BIG" IS YOUR FISH STORY....

Its been about a month since I last spoke some truths to the people..  And as I dig into my card catalog of for real 100% true as "ish" stories of conquest I come upon a story that I am fond of and reminded of everyday I walk out my front door.  My "BIG FISH" story is absolutely the best fishing story I have ever witnessed and could not believe it really happened to me....  It was a crushing defeat followed by instant supreme victory for the home team!!  "THATS ME PEOPLE!! I'M THE EFFING HOME TEAM..."  So here we go....

So no SHIT there I was..... me and the ole' man on the end of the boat jocking for position around mid spring time some years ago..  We got a late start and figured we would just drop a hook in the water and see what we could snag.  Just so I give credit where credit is due, I am NOT the supreme angler in my family..My dad and brother got that on LOCK!  I come in at the bottom of the whiskey barrel when it comes to fish in boat... But on this day I became the BASS Angler of the UNIVERSE with 2 little casts..  That's right dad, you sir, are all back of the bus on this day!!  That day dear ole' dad weighed in exactly this.....

BLAHAHAHAHA!!!! WEAK SAUCE MCGRAW!!!!  It just wasn't your day hombre'...  but thanks for the Gaff!! it helps build the story! 
So now that you understand what kind of day my dad was having, mine in turn was the complete opposite... Every time dad put his hook in the water he got this....

 

While every time I even looked at the water I was given this.....

 

It was awesome beyond belief!!!  I bet I put about 300lbs of bass in the boat in about 3 hours.. The sun was def. shining on my BOOTY-DOO this day... and all I could do was laugh about it and yell....
                         GET THE NET!!!!!!
I don't know how many years I had been "NET" bitch for my dad and brother but today was sweet redemption!  So we are running the banks hard and I am killing it, when it happened.....  We spot this huge BITCH OF A bass with its finn skimming the top of the water....  I swear it looked like JAWS patrolling the beaches in 2 foot of water.... it was nutz!!

ITS ON PEOPLE!!!!  This Heffer is mine!!!  ENGAGE GAME FACE!!!    This was the first and only time that ME, EGO, And CONSCIOUS were all on the complete same page...  EGO and CONSCIOUS are both rooting for me and so was Padre'...  I get a good line at the bank where the BEAST was patrolling and I commence to throw my super duper shark catching bait just past her position on the bank and drag it in the water right behind her.... She thinks its bank food....  I know its death plastic with a BIG ASS HOOK!!  Bertha begins to turn around and see dinner as I inch it to her...  slowly, slowly, ..... jiggle jiggle jiggle......       
                                                     BOOM!!!!!!!!!!! 

The fight is on!!!!  I'm nervous as shit!!! I am sweating, crying , laughing, screaming, and pissing on myself at the same time..!! I got BILL DANCE, AKA "DAD" coaching and yelling at me to take if easy.!!  ENGAGE VOICE BLOCK OUT MODE!!!  I'm focused...  The Drag is burning up my zebco 202 and my ultra light brim rod is bent over like a rainbow with $500 billion in gold at the other end of that lucky charm....  This shit is serious!!  In my mind this was the pinnacle of my whole life!! you either complete the mission or go down with the sinking ship....  and for some reason I feel out manned and out gunned with Shamoo and my ship is sinking for real ass fast!!  Then it happened....  that moby dick of a fish decides.....  I THINK I'M GONNA SHIT ON HIS CORN FLAKES RIGHT ABOUT....NOW..  AND  JUMP.......  FML..... IT LOOKED AND FELT JUST LIKE THIS....

 

And just like that.... the line went slack.....  no weight was felt on the end of my Zebco 202 super ultra light fishing weapon of mass deception...  I lost her........  let the tantrum commence....  I think I cussed and cried and wanted to jump to my watery doom...  shame and dismay overwhelmed my whole existence.  Failure...  I looked at my dad..... he looked at me... shook his head and said.... win some, lose some.  THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT FOR ME GHANDI?!?!?   WIN SOME LOSE SOME!?!?!   Boy I am super enlightened with those words of shitboxery..  thanks dad.... NOW TAKE ME TO THE EFFING DOCK!!!!  START ROWING GILLIGAN!!.  But before we headed off I just so happened to turn around and look at the bank one more time to remember what could have been and where I lost the battle of my life.... and no shit.......
           THERE THAT HOE BAG WAS AGAIN.

AND I SWEAR SHE WAS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME SMILING JUST LIKE THIS....  With every once of M-A-N I had left, I did the same thing.. pitched my tool of death on the bank and slowly, ever so gently , just so very slightly, brought it to the water where she lie taunting me.... 
JIGGLE JIGGLE JIGGLE..... JIGGLE JIGGLE JIGGLE....
                    DING DING DING!!!!
HEY YOU Tommy....  I GOT ONE MORE ROUND!!! MY RING IS OUTSIDE!!!!!

FISH ON!!!! HOLY HELL BALLS!!! CAN THIS BE FOR REAL?!?!   Who hooks MOBY DICK TWICE IN 10 MINUTES...??  I'LL TELL YA WHO!!!!! 

I had my second wind!!  my zebco was reeling smooth and the rod felt like a deep sea fishing tree!! no bend, no burning of the drag setting... nothing... just total sweetness..  I really feel like GOD was with me during those moments...  I get her close to the boat and start yelling at the ole' Man ....

GET THE NET!!!!!

But dear ole' dad wants to FINGER BANG the net and get it hung up in the other rod and reels...  All my anglers out there know how helpless you feel when you have your trophy on the line, net is jammin you up and no hope in sight..  PANIC!!!! I START YELLING LIKE A BANSHEE!! DAD!!!! WHAT THE @#$%q$@#@#$@#$!@#$!@#  ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?! GET THE DAMN NET!!

 

this does not help...  no net in sight, and Bertha is about to spring into action and jump over the boat and laugh yet again....  She swims toward the trolling motor preparing for the launch.....

THIS IS MY NORMANDY FOLKS......  I WILL NOT FAIL AND I WILL TAKE THE BEACH HEAD!!! VICTORY WILL BE MINE COME HELL OR HIGH WATER.! 

I grab the end of the rod just as she comes in for the final approach and take a wild stab in the water with my right hand....... time stands still.... silence fills the world......

THEN IT HAPPENS.....

 

      FACE MOBY DICK!!!!  MUTHA EFFIN' FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Did it... I won.. I could not believe my eyes...  I didn't sink with the ship!!  Beach head secure!!
I bet you could hear me yelling sweet sweet victory all across the state!!  what an amazing day..For all the men out there, you know what this kind of catch means to you..  Its very near the top of every man's bucket list.. and I was so pumped to cross it off my list and put this Broad on my wall for all to gaze upon. 

 

 

To this day, me and the ole' man laugh at how it went down... The fact that I got a second chance at destiny makes the mind boggle.. But God gave me my shot, and I took it..  He helped me win and I am grateful beyond words.. But wow what a Test.. 

 

Moral of this story..... Don't be afraid to take another shot after falling short... No matter what it may be... it could all just be your test, and the "Maker" is just getting you ready for it.  

Whatever you do. whatever the task, be stead fast..take you shot and get it done..

And for shit sakes.....

FIX THE DAMNED FISHING NET PRIOR TO HOOKING JAWS!

 

AS ALWAYS... 100% TRUE AS SHIT!! TIL NEXT TIME.....

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!!!

some new flash to update the page!! enjoy! 

 

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE BETTER THAN "YOU"!

FIRST I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE WHO USE TO READ AND LAUGH AT MY PAIN....  LIFE'S UGLY JOKES ALWAYS SEEM TO GET IN THE WAY AND FOR ME, LIFE HAS JUST BEEN A BIG DAMN SCRAMBLE.. SAYING THAT, I WILL SAY THAT I HAVE ABOUT 5 MONTHS OF SHIT HOT MATERIAL THAT I AM GONNA LAY ON YOU THAT SHOULD KEEP YOU BITCHES IN STITCHES AND BRING BACK MY SMALL FAN BASE FROM LAST YEAR..  ONE SHOUT OUT BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER WITH SAID "TITLE" OF THIS POST.  OUR NEWEST AND "LAST" CRIB MIDGET HAS GRACED US WITH HIS CHEEKS AND PRESENCE.... COOPER LEE PEEK, A.K.A SUPER COOP', COO COO. AKA DA' PAPS, AKA MOOSE!!

HE IS SUCH A HOOT' AND A BLAST TO BE AROUND!  HE'S ALWAYS SMILING AND DEF' LOVES HIS BIG BRO!  HE'S THE BEST YOU COULD EVER ASK FOR. I AM SO BLESSED!

OK.... NOW TO THE BIZ' AT HAND....

THESE DAYS MY LIFE HAS CHANGED IN A DRASTIC WAY.  I AM RETIRED FROM THE MILITARY AND LOVING IT... NO MORE LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT (LAME) AND ALL THAT DRAMA.  BUT I HAVE MOVED ON TO ANOTHER PROFESSION WORKING WITH THE STATE.  I WON'T GET INTO WHAT EXACTLY I DO BECAUSE THAT ISH' IS SUPER DUPER SECRET SQUIRREL.. OH AND I WANT TO KEEP MY JOB MORE THAN HALF A SECOND....

BUT NO MATTER WHERE I GO OR WHAT I DO, I ALWAYS SEEM TO GET ENTANGLED WITH ONE PERSON THAT IS JUST "BETTER"  THAN YOU.. 

I'M SURE YOU HAVE ALL HAD THAT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE... FORTUNATELY I NEVER HAVE UNTIL MY CURRENT EXPERIENCE AND ONGOING TRAINING I CURRENTLY ATTEND.  NO MATTER WHAT I SAY OR HOW I SAY IT, "WILLIE SUE" HAS BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, LIFTED IT HIGHER, RAN IT FASTER, ATE MORE OF IT, AND SHIT MORE OF IT THAN ANY SUPER HUMAN EVER TO GRACE A COMIC BOOK COVER!!

YOU KNOW THOSE POSERS.... THEY LOOK JUST LIKE THIS..

OLE' "WILLIE SUE" IS THE NAME I GIVE HE/SHE TO SAVE A LITTLE FACE AND LEAVE YOU GUYS GUESSING THE GENDER OF THIS PERSON... WELL EVEN WITH THOSE CLUES, YOU CAN PICTURE MY REALITY THAT STARTS AT 5:30 SHARP EVERY WEEK OVER BREAKFAST....

BOOM!!!

ANY WHO, HAVING GIVEN YOU THE VISUALS YOU NEED TO STICK AROUND, I WILL LAY IT OUT FOR YOU...  MY GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT I TRAIN WITH ARE A GREAT BUNCH OF PEEPS..  REALLY, I COULDN'T HAVE PICKED A BETTER GROUP.. BUT OLE' BAD ASS JUST SEEMS TO RUB AN ASS RASH ON EVERYBODY.  AND BEST BELIEVE WHEN I SAY WE HAVEN'T FOUND A CURE FOR IT, ITS THE GOSPEL... WE'VE TRIED..  THAT DOG JUST WON'T DIE AND MOVE ON TO THE UPPER ROOM....GO LEFT OR RIGHT HOMBRE' I DON'T CARE WHICH....

DURING OUR TRAINING AS WITH ANY TRAINING, YOU HAVE TO MAKE A CERTAIN % TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT PHASE.  EVERYONE WORKS FOR REAL' ASS HARD AND HELPS ONE ANOTHER TO BE THE BEST WE CAN BE.  EXCEPT FOR SPACE CADET.... APPARENTLY, THIS PERSON "TANKS" TESTS AND PHYSICAL FITNESS EVENTS BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO RAISE ATTENTION TO THEMSELVES... REALLY??? I GUESS YOUR NAME IS PETE ROSE AND YOU NEVER BET ON BASEBALL EITHER..(ASS) SO YOU MISS 1 QUESTION ON YOUR TEST EVERY TIME , AND PULL UP WHEN CROSSING THE FINISHING LINE DURING A PHYSICAL EVENT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE GRACIOUS TO US MERE MORTALS??  CHECK IT OUT SUPER DOUCHE', THAT'S LIKE SAYING IM GONNA WIN THE $300 MILLION DOLLAR POWERBALL AND GIVE IT ALL TO CHARITY!!!! 

FUTHER' MUCKER PLEASE!!!!!

YOU MUST BE THAT SECRET SUPER AGENT EVERYBODY SPEAKS OF...



 THIS SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT YOU BY THE WAY....

I GOT A PLAN FOR YOU... HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE YOUR SUPER DUPER HEAD OUT OF YOUR ENTIRE ASS AND TAKE A DEEP, DEEP BREATH OF CLEAN FRESH GOODNESS.  IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW ALREADY, PLANET EARTH PEOPLE THRIVE ON A THING CALLED OXYGEN... THE PARTICLE OF WHICH YOUR BRAIN HAS YET TO BE ENRICHED WITH.. 

FRIENDS, I HATE TO HATE BUT THE UTTER CRAP THAT COMES OUT OF THIS PERSONS MOUTH ON A DAILY BASIS IS CRAZY..  BUT WE ALL, INCLUDING ME CONTINUE TO TAKE THE HIGH GROUND AND OFFER FRIENDSHIP, HELP, OR WHATEVER AND ITS JUST THROWN IN EVERYONES FACE..  IT JUST BURNS ME UP.. THE FINAL COMPARISON I CAN GIVE ABOUT THIS PERSON AND THEIR ABILITIES CAN BE RELATIBLE TO BASICALLY THIS.... IF THERE WERE A CONTEST OF JUMPING ABILITY AND THIS PERSON WAS A PART OF THAT CONTEST.. THEY WOULD MAKE MICHAEL JORDAN LOOK LIKE A RETARD..(THEIR WORDS). OR EVEN BETTER.... US NORMAL PEOPLE WOULD BE REPRESENTED BY OH LETS SEE....STEVEN HAWKINGS.. AND THEY WOULD BE KOBE........

BITCH PLEEZE!!!

MAYBE YOU COULD JUST SAY, I'M SORRY FOR LACKING IN PEOPLE SKILLS AND I'M ALITTLE OFF... I THINK WE COULD ALL DEAL WITH THAT AND YOU WOULD FIT IN A WHOLE LOT BETTER. 

OR MAYBE AT LEAST YOU CAN TAKE SOME OF THAT "MILLION DOLLA DOLLA BILLS" THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR CHECKING ACCOUNT AND BUY EVERYONE A ROUND OF BEERS... THATS PROLLY A GOOD START.  YOUR DRAMA IS LAUGHABLE..

FRIENDS, I UNDERSTAND THAT LIFE SOMETIMES GIVES US SHIT BOMBS TO DEAL WITH.. MOST IF NOT ALL, GRAB 'SAID' SHIT BOMB AND MAKE IT INTO A SHINY BRIGHT DIAMOND..  ITS WHAT WE DO..  MOST OF US ARE LIKE MINDED AND HAVE GOALS THAT ARE ON PAR WITH THE REST OF MIDDLE AMERICA..  WE DON'T TRY TO BE BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE, AND THE ONLY COMPETITION GOING ON IS WITH OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL DEMON..  I HAVE BEEN FORTUNATE TO HAVE CONQUERED MY PHYSICAL DEMON WITH THE HELP OF MY WIFE, KIDS AND FAMILY.. IT FEELS BETTER THAN ANYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE..  I AM BLESSED..  IN CLOSING, I WOULD SAY TO THIS PERSON OR ANY PERSON WHO READS THIS, TO STOP HATIN' JUST FOR THE SOUL PURPOSE OF DOING IT..  NO ONE IS OUT TO GET YOU AND NO ONE REALLY CARES TO MUCH EITHER... THE WORLD IS A CRUEL PLACE POWDER PUFF... TIME TO GRAB YOUR DEMON BY THE HORNS AND DEAL WITH IT... I'M SURE EVERYONE HAS RAN INTO THIS PERSON ONCE OR TWICE IN THEIR LIFE... IF SO, PASS THIS BLOG ON AND TELL THEM TO GET TO READIN'......  HERE'S TO YOU AND ALL THAT HATE ON A DAILY BASIS!!

CHEERS SUPER GOOF!!

AS ALWAYS, 100% true as shit!!! until next time....

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!!!

THAT WILL BE $120 EXTRA PER BAG SIR.. WTF!?!?!?

First I want to apologize to everyone who reads my blog.  Its been a while since I've posted and I blame it all on life, being married having a new born, with a 2 year old, LACK OF EFFING SLEEP!, Being a full time sutdent and having a full time job.  "The full-time job piece doesn't really count anymore, but since the miltry' is payin me full time, i'm gonna use it."   Any who, I have been wanting to rant about some ish' I have seen on T.V. for a while, but I just now today found a time slot for it. 

Most of you have been stuck in an airport with a shit ton of luggage at one point or another, wishing your travels did not consist of work.  All you want to do is relax and the airport bar and get smashed while waiting for your flight to board to Bora-Bora....  Yea me too, but instead you end up in a real shitty place in line like this....

I know what you are thinking and feeling at that very second..

THIS IS TOTAL BULLSHIT!!

And the fact that you had to wake up 6 weeks early to endure this madness makes shit 10 times as bad.  So when you finally get to the counter after completeing a 10k with all your "toatable" shit, they ask you to pile all of it on the counter and check you in...  At this point they look at you with the most genuine shit eating grin and say...

"Sir. your luggage is over by 2lbs.... that will be an extra $120 to board the plane."

WHAT THE FAT SHIT DO YOU MEAN, $120 EFFING DOLLARS!!!!

So what your telling me is that my 2 extra pounds of nothing special is gonna cost me a hotel rate?? Is that what your telling me HO' BAG!?!?!

.......yes sir, how would you like to pay for that?

Listen SALLIE MAE, I don't exactly have WELL'S FARGO IN MY EFFING POCKET!!!  And I just witnessed this same shit type plane fly the

SPACE SHUTTLE FUCKING DISCOVERY AROUND THE COUNTRY FOR NO EFFING REASON!!!

AND YOU WANT MONEY FROM ME!?!?! 

"WELL SIR, IF YOU WANT TO BOARD THIS PLANE IT WILL BE $120 FOR YOU LUGGAGE.." SORRY AIRLINE POLICY..

What kind of scam is this.. The fact that they can scalp "YOUR" luggage for its travel for being a smiggen' over weight is utter horse shit!!!  You can fly a 300,000 pounds hunk of turbine shit around for people to see and then hit middle america with this kind of atrocity should deem federal lock-up time!  I call total bullshit!  But all you can do is pay the cost, because if you get loud in the terminal, they put you on the terrorist watch list, and you get fisted by the airport security....

HMMM.... maybe its not such a bad job after all..lol!!! 

In closing, I feel that our country is ass backwards these days... freedoms are becoming limited, we as americans are being micro-managed by government agencies, and its messing with our bottom dollar.  Its hard to get ahead when the MAN Is always in your pocket, and in your girlfriends pants..  I think we need a new start because damn if im gonna drive across country again because of some EFFING LUGGAGE!!!  

AS ALWAYS, 100% TRUE AS SHIT!!

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

THE BADDEST DUDE ON ROLLER SKATES YOU NEVER HEARD OF..

BACK IN MY DAY ROLLING ON SKATES WITH YOUR HOMEYS WAS SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS!  IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT WHO COULD DO THE MOST FUNKY FRESH TRICKS AND WHO COULD GET THE MOST SPEED AROUND THE "RINK' WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF ASS BUSTING. I COULD DEF. HOLD MY OWN AND WAS ALWAYS ONE OF THE LAST COOL MUTHA' EFFERS LEFT IN THE HOKEY POKEY CIRCLE. 

BA'LEEDDAT!!!

I WILL SAY THOUGH, I NEVER REACHED MY TRUE POTENTIAL IN THE SPORT.  YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT I AM GONNA BLAME 2 PEOPLE FOR MY LACK OF PERFORMANCE AND MY RISE TO "ROLLER RINK" HALL-O-FAME STATUS; MY MOTHER AND THE 35 YEAR OLD "PEDY" THAT WORKED, LIVED, ATE, SHIT AND SLEPT UNDER THE DISCO BALL.. (YOU SHITTY SHITTY HUMAN).  THERE ARE 2 PHASES OF FAILURE HERE SO I WILL START WITH THE LEAST OF THE 2 FAILURES...... MOM

MOM

BACK IN THE DAY MOM AND DAD WORKED FULL TIME JOBS AS MOST PARENTS DID.  I WAS 8 GOING ON 28 AND THOUGHT THAT I NEEDED 0 SUPERVISION.. MOM AND OLE DAD THOUGHT OTHER WISE.  SO INSTEAD OF BEING A "LATCH KEY" KID, MOM PUT ME AND MY BROTHER IN DAYCARE AFTER SCHOOL AND DURING THE SUMMER.. DURING SCHOOL WAS LAME SAUCE BUT DURING THE SUMMER IT GOT PRETTY GANGSTER AT THE KINDER-KARE.  WE WOULD GO ON LITTLE FIELD TRIPS AND SHIT. THE MOVIES, CHUCKY-CHEESES AND THE ROLLER RINK..  I HAD ALWAYS BEEN PRETTY GOOD ON MY FEET AND QUICK AS SHIT ERY'DAY.. I HAD TO DUCK MY DAD FROM BEATINGS THAT I DESERVED SO I KEPT MY SHIT HELLA QUICK.. IT PAID BIG TIME ON THE ROLLER WHEELS.. ANY WHO, BECAUSE EVERYBODY IN THE 80'S, OR AT LEAST MY FAMILY'S WALLET WAS LOCKED UP TIGHT... WHAT THAT MEANS IS TOM-TOM DOESN'T GET TOP OF THE LINE EQUIPMENT TO SHOW OFF HIS SKILLS... KINDA LIKE THAT K-MART SHIT I TALKED ABOUT A MONTH AGO.  INSTEAD MY ROLLER SKATE RENTALS LOOKED LIKE THIS.....

I'M 8 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME, FASHION IS NOT AT THE TOP OF MY LIST OF THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT AND ITS DARK AT THE ROLLER RINK.WITH ONLY THE SPARKLE OF THE DISCO BALL  I AM STILL SCREAMING

TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT!!

 BECAUSE I KNEW JUST FROM THE BIG ASS WEAK FUCKING STOPPER ON THE FRONT THAT I WAS GONNA BE POSING HARD CORE.  I WAS SO MAD AT THE FACT THAT I WAS GONNA BE LOOKING LIKE A COMPLETE RAGING BONER GLIDING AROUND THE OVAL OF SPEED WITH SOME TAN HOOPTY CLASSICS!! BUT WHAT COULD I DO?  NOT SKATE AND GRADUATE TO TOTAL ASS CLOWN AND GET MADE FUN OF OVER  THE ROLLER RINK DJ MICROPHONE.. HELL TO THE HELL EFFING NO SON!! LETS DO THIS..

OH AND BY THE WAY, WE WERE DOING THAT COSMIC SKATING SHIT WELL BEFORE THE BOWLING POSERS ON FRIDAY EVER DREAMED IT A REALITY!!! BOOM!! OWNED BOWLING TERDS!!.

FOR THE SAKE OF KEEPING THIS AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE, I RULED ON SKATES.. AND SO YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T ALREADY.. THE UPGRADE TO KILLER ASS SPEED SKATES WERE $1.. DO YOU KNOW WHAT 4 QUARTERS GOT YOU ON THE SKATING RINK??

TOTAL FUCKING SUPREMACY!!

THAT'S RIGHT YA'LL.. THESE BAD MUTHA FUCKERS HERE!! THESE BEASTS ON WHEELS WERE QUICK AS SHIT AND SUPER SWEET UNDER SOME BLACK LIGHT ACTION!! I KNOW YOU PEOPLE FEEL ME ON THIS!!! RIGHT?? AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, I HAVE YET TO PUT ONE SINGLE EFFING PINKY TOE IN A PAIR OF THESE ROLLER ROCKETS!! 1 DOLLAR MOM, JUST 1 DOLLAR AND I COULD HAVE BEEN IMMORTAL!! AND YOU FAILED ME... SO SO FUCKING SAD... THX FOR KEEPING ME AVERAGE AS SHIT MOM.. THAT WAS FAIL#1..

#2 FAIL: 35 YR OLD ROLLER PHENOM

LISTEN PEOPLE, IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN TO JUST THE ENTRANCE DOOR OF A "SKATING RINK", YOU HAVE SEEN THIS ASS-HOLE DOING HOT LAPS AROUND 3 YEAR OLD TODDLERS LIKE APOLLO FUCKING ONO!! HE IS SUCH A CREEP BUT HE IS SO FUCKING AMAZING AT THE SAME TIME...

ITS SUCH BULLSHIT..  I MEAN HE'S GOT THE SPEED SKATES, THE WIND SUIT, AND THE BALANCE OF A CRANE!! AND THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS BLAST AROUND LITTLE KIDS AND SHOW THEM HOW BAD THEY SUCK AT YOUR FULL TIME OCCUPATION? REALLY.  AND CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY THIS BAG OF DOUCHE LINES UP FOR THE RACES WITH LITTLE KIDS DURING THE GAMES PORTION OF SKATING TIMES!?!?!?

THIS FUCKING WORM WAS THE ONLY REASON I EVER LOST  THE SUPER SPEED MAD DASH RACE, THE LIMBO, THE SUPER DUPER TRAIN GAME AND THE MUTHA FUCKING HOKEY FUCKING POKEY!!!! YOU TOOK ALL THE PRIDE THAT I HAD WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD AT THE ROLLER RINK YOU HEARTLESS, UNEDUCATED, HOMELESS TRACK SUIT WEARING, SPEED SKATE HAVING PEDOPHILE FROM PLANET "I'M BETTER THAN EVERY KID AT SKATING"!!!

AND TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY YOU HAD THESE TYPES OF "COOL" MUTHER FUCKERS THAT WOULD COME IN LOOKING LIKE PANAMA JACK TO JUST "CHILL" AND LET OFF SOME STEAM..

TO YOU SIR I SAY, THE ONLY COOL YOU HAVE IS THOSE SWEET ASS SPEED SKATES THAT MAKE YOU WAY BETTER THAN YOU REALLY ARE..  YOU COULD REALLY LOOK AT SPEED SKATE LIKE STEROIDS AND HGH.. ITS TRUE!! THEY INCREASE EVERY SKATING CAPABILITY BY ATLEAST 30%.. 

IN CLOSING I HAVE SINCE PUT AWAY ANY GRANDURE OF BEING A ROLLER SKATING MARVEL... OH, I CAN STILL GET BUSY ON THEM, I KNOW IT IN MY HEART.. BUT I DON'T THINK I WILL TEST THE WATERS.. THESE 2 DUDES ARE PROLLY STILL THERE KILLIN IT ON THE REG.!!  AND NO, I DO NOT, WILL NOT, OR HAVE NOT USED, PROMOTED OR SUGGESTED TO ANYONE TO EVER GET IN A PAIR OF ROLLER BLADES.....I THINK ITS WAY TOO UN-ORIGINAL... AND PEOPLE START ACTING REALLY FUCKING STUPID WHEN YOUR WHEELS ARE IN A STRAIGHT ASS LINE!!

AS ALWAYS, 100% TRUE AS SHIT!!

UNTIL NEXT TIME.....

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

a-sonz-of-dadz- production-

K-MART = SATAN'S FASHION RUNWAY.

IF ANYONE TELLS YOU THAT SCHOOL AT ANY LEVEL IS NOT A FASHION SHOW THEY ARE FUCKING LYING TO YOU AND ARE PROLLY YOUR PARENTS!! 

MY WHOLE LIFE REVOLVED AROUND THE SCHOOL SALES AT THE "KRAP-MART" DURING MY WONDER YEARS.  AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT WHEN I HAD TO GO THERE WITH MY MOM TO GET MY SCHOOL DUDS,  I WAS NOT HAPPY IN THE LEAST BIT.  I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, WHEN YOU WERE A KID IN GRADE SCHOOL THE LAST PLACE YOU WANTED TO GET AT WAS THE EFF-ING KRAP-MART!!  BUT WHAT WAS I TO DO?? TELL MOMMY THAT I WASN'T GONNA WEAR THAT BULLSHIT?? NO, NO I THINK NOT.. I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE RETARD SMACKED OUT OF ME FOR ACTING LIKE I WAS TOO GOOD FOR THERE QUALITY SCHOOL CLOTHES BRAND OF SHIT ON A HANGER.. AND FOR THE RECORD MOM.... I WAS FUCKING TOO GOOD!! THEIR CLOTHES BLEW MAD HORSE "D".. THERE I SAID IT AFTER 28 YEARS OF REPRESSION.. ANYWAYS, I HAD TO MAKE A GAME OUT OF GOING THERE.. AND THE BEST I COULD THINK OF AT THE TIME WAS PLAYING G.I. FUCKING JOE AROUND THE CLOTHING AND WEAR MASKS AND SHIT HOPING NO ONE EVER SAW ME..

IT WAS SERIOUS BUSINESS FOR ME WHEN I KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE ABUSED "FASHIONABLY" IN THE KRAP-MART. 

THIS PLACE REALLY SCREWED ME UP BIG TIME AT SCHOOL.. I MEAN IF I COULD TELL THAT THE CLOTHES WERE SUSPECT AT SHIT, THEN I KNEW THAT ALL OF MY FRIENDS WOULD TOO. AND SURE AS SHIT.. THEY DID.. WHO PAYED FOR IT?? ME MOM!! ME!!  THE CLOTHING IS SO BAD THERE THAT THE FABRIC IN WHICH ALL OF IT IS MADE WITH IS EVEN WEIRD AND SHITTY.. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SHITTY PIECE OF CLOTHING THAT HAD THIS WEIRD SHIMMER TO IT? YOU KNOW, THE KIND OF SHIMMER THAT SAYS, " BUY ME BECAUSE I GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO APPARENT FUCKING REASON AND CAN BE USED TO SAFELY CROSS THE STREET IN THE DESERT TYPE SHIMMER? YEA, YOU PROLLY GOT IT FROM THE BIG "K".  AND NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE YOU ALWAYS COME OUT WEARING THIS SHIT..

REALLY MOM... I WAS 15...  AND WHY THE FUCKING HAT MOM.. AND SORRY BUT A VEST.? NO FUCKING THANKS.. THIS IS WHAT I FELT LIKE 5 OUT OF THE 7 DAYS DURING THE SCHOOL YEAR.. ON THE WEEK-ENDS I WOULD RUN AROUND IN A CUT OFF CAR WASH RAG SHIRT AND SWIM TRUNKS BECAUSE IT WAS THE SWEETEST MOST VINTAGE GEAR I HAD. (SO SAD). 

YOU WOULD THINK THAT CHUCK TAYLOR ALL-STARS WERE SUPER CHEAP TO BUY.. CUZ THEY WERE AND STILL ARE.. CHUCKS ARE TIMELESS.. I STILL GOT SOME OF THEM JOINTS. BUT DO YOU THINK FOR A HOT FUCKING SECOND THAT I HAD CHUCK TAYLOR ALL-STARS GROWING UP? HELL TO THE HELL HELL HELL FUCKING NO!! I HAD THESE OFF BRAND BULLSHIT POSER THINGS CALLED ALL-TRACKS!!

MOM:  "BUT THEY LOOK JUST LIKE THE REGULAR ONES HONEY. NO ONE WILL EVER NOTICE."

PISSED OFF AS SHIT ME: HORSE SHIT MOM!!! EVERYBODY IS GONNA CLOWN ME RIGHT OUT OF THE SCHOOL!! EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT THESE ARE BUSTED ASS POSER SNEAKS!!

MOM: "HOW ARE THEY REALLY GONNA KNOW? THEY LOOK JUST LIKE THEM. AND STOP CURSING." WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE 15/"

PISSED OFF AS SHIT ME: BECAUSE THEY ARE JEAN FUCKING SHOES WITH RIPS AND SHIT!!! OH AND THERE IS NOT A BIG ASS STAR THAT SAYS , CHUCK FUCKING TAYLOR ALL-STARS!!!.  AND YES MOM, I AM 15 FOR REAL ASS YEARS OLD!!!"

MOM: "WELL ITS NOT A FASHION SHOW, SO UNTIL YOU ARE BUYING YOUR OWN CLOTHES AND SHOES THIS IS WHAT YOU FATHER AND I THINK YOU NEED.  SUCH AN UNGRATEFUL TEENAGER!" YOU'RE LUCKING YOUR GETTING THIS.. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO WEAR ON MY FEET FOR SCHOOL?  THAT'S RIGHT YOU DON'T, BECAUSE WE HAD TO MAKE WHAT WE WORE!! I WORE ROPE SANDALS TO SCHOOL MOST OF THE TIME. SO JUST SAY THANK YOU AND GET IN THE CAR!!"

PISSED OFF AS SHIT ME: "OH YEA, YOU MADE YOUR OWN SHOES? DID YOU MAKE THESE RAGGETY' MUTHER FUCKERS MOM?? CAUSE IF YOU DID... FAIL.. AND BY THE WAY "JESUS" I DIDN'T KNOW ROPE SANDALS WERE IN BACK THEN.. I'M SURE THE TREK WAS LONG AND UP-HILL BOTH WAYS FOR YA...

MOM: "SHUT YOU SMART ASS MOUTH!!

ME: "FUCK, I HATE MY LIFE."

AFTER THAT DAY, I WAS THE FIRST 16 YEAR OLD LOOKING FOR A JOB.  AND WHEN I DID, I HAD A GANG FULL OF SHOES.. MAINLY CUZ I WORKED AT RACK ROOM SHOES AND GOT HELLA DISCOUNTS.. MY DAD EVEN GOT PISSED BECAUSE EVERY PAYDAY I HAD SOME FRESH NIKE'S ON.  HE ASK ME IF I HAD BEEN STEALIN'? HELL NO, I BUY THESE WITH MY MONEY, CUZ I WONT EVER PUT THOSE STANKIN ASS ALL-TRACKS ON EVER AGAIN!  TALK ABOUT SCARRED FOR LIFE. 

HEY I GOT IT, THINGS ARE HARD AND YOU DO THE BEST TO PUT CLOTHES AND FOOD ON  YOUR KIDS BACK AND ON THE TABLE.. AND FOR THAT I APPRECIATE WHAT MOM AND DAD DID FOR ME AND MY BROTHER, BUT DAMN..... CAN I DUDE JUST GET SOME FRESH GEAR THAT DON'T SMELL LIKE MOTH BALLS??

REMEMBER FOLKS AND FRIENDS THAT READ THIS. K-MART IS THE SPAWN OF SATAN. EVERYTHING IN THERE IS HEXED AND CURSED!! IF YOU GOTTA PINCH PENNIES, TAKE YO' ASS TO TARGET OR OLD FUCKING NAVY!! YOU CAN GET A GANG OF SHIT FOR LITTLE TO NO MONEY I EVEN THINK THEY HAVE COOPS' AND SHIT.. AND IF YOU WANT TO REALLY STEP UP YOUR CLOTHING GAME TO NEW HEIGHTS... GO MAKE IT RAIN IN MARSHAL'S...

SUPER CHEAP, NAME BRAND JOINTS THAT KEEP YOU FEELING FUNKY FRESH ON ANY GIVEN DAY!! SO WHAT IF A SLEEVE IS ALITTLE SHORTER THAN THE OTHER... AT LEAST THAT SHIT SAYS RALPH LAUREN!!!

                                                

                                                  AS ALWAYS 100% REAL ASS SHIT!!!

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

-SONZ-OF-DADZ-PRODUCTION-



NINJA TURTLES, HOOKER DRESSES AND CHURCH DON'T MIX!

WHEN YOU SEE THIS PICTURE DO YOU THINK OF JESUS?? YEA ME NEITHER.. LATELY I FEEL LIKE THIS IS WHAT I SEE AT CHURCH.. I MEAN NO ONE IS HATING ON THE FACT THAT YOU NEED SOME "JC" IN YOUR LIFE BUT PUT SOME EFFING CLOTHES ON!! I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE SO HYPOCRITICAL BUT I CAN'T FUCKING HELP IT.  HERE IN LOUISIANA IT IS ALREADY A BILLION DEGREES, I'M SWEATING LIKE 2 RATS FUCKING IN A WOOL SOCK, AND I SWEAR MY CHURCH IS TRYING TO BOIL THE SIN OUT OF ME..  WELL, I'M SAVED BY THE GRACE OF GOD AND WEARING THE PROPER CHURCH GEAR SO LETS START WORKING ON THESE SILLY ASS MONKEY'S...MMM'K.. IT HAS BECOME A RUNNING JOKE BETWEEN MY WIFE AND I AND ON OCCASION ANOTHER FRIEND CHIMES IN ON THE "I WANT TO DRESS LIKE A TOTAL HOOKER CLUB IN CHURCH" GAME.  IT SO FUNNY THAT WE HAVE A GAGGLE OF PEOPLE THAT SHOW UP AND ACT LIKE EVERYTHING IS HUNKY DOREY.. BUT MY GROUP OF 3 CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONES THAT SEE IT. OR ARE WE??  SO HERE WE GO..

1.  THERE IS THIS DUDE THAT SHOWS UP TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY IN THE SAME "JORTS" BUT ROTATES HIS CLASSIEST SHORT SLEEVE BUTTON UP.  I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS"FELLA" GETS THESE THINGS BUT HE NEEDS AN INTERVENTION.. AND BY THAT I MEAN STICKING A SHOTGUN IN HIS DICK SUCKER AND PULLING BOTH TRIGGERS.. ITS REALLY RETARDED.. SEE...

I MEAN, ARE YOU GETTING READY TO POWER THE FUCK UP?  DID GOKU TELL YOU TO WHERE HIS SHIT OR HE WAS GONNA KICK YOUR ASS TO THE MOON?? I THINK NOT.. BUT THATS NOT THE END.. THIS DUDE WEARS NINJA TURTLES TOO.  AREN'T YOU LIKE 50 OR SOME SHIT??!?!

LETS JUST GO NUTS AND DRESS LIKE MASTER SPLINTER..I'M SURE THE "SHREDDER" WILL PRESENT HIMSELF DURING THE NEXT BAPTISM AND YOU CAN GET YOUR KUNG FOOEY ON WITH HIM..

BUT AFTER ALL THE CLOWN SHIT THIS GUY DOES, ITS SO SAD THAT HE'S NOT THE WORST. 

2. THESE YOUNG FEMALES COME TO CHURCH LOOKING LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO

DROP DROP DROP-IT TO THA' FLOW'!

ITS A TRIP THAT SOME OLD TIMERS HAVEN'T DROPPED DEAD WHILE TAKING THE OFFERING.. ITS CRAZY TO ME THAT THESE LITTLE TEENY-BOPPERS THINK THIS IS HOW YOU GET CLOSER TO JESUS... HERE'S A HINT BOO-BOO....

PUT YOUR TITTIES UP AND GET SOME PANTS !!!

I KNOW EVERYONE SAYS, "BLAME THE PARENTS".. BUT GUESS WHAT, THE PARENTS AREN'T EVEN AT CHURCH, SO GO FIGURE.. YOU WOULD THINK THAT THERE WOULD BE A DUDE AT THE FRONT DOOR OR A SIGN THAT SAYS....

BUT WHO AM I TO MAKE CHANGES RIGHT?? I PAY MY MONEY TO THE "BUILDING FUND" SO I SHOULD BE HAPPY. OH WELL...

I KNOW I AM NOT SOUNDING LIKE A TYPICAL GUY WHAT SO EVER.. AND 6 OUT OF THE 7 DAYS OF THE WEEK I WOULDN'T SAY SHIT. BUT IF I CAN GET MY SLACKS AND TIE STRAIGHT FOR 1 HOUR A DAY THE G-O-D, WELL I THINK YOU CAN PUT YOUR DRAGON BALLZ AND NINJA SWORDS BACK IN YOUR TONKA TRUCK HOME SKILLET!  AND LADIES JUST A TEST FOR YOU.... IF A DUDE CAN SEE YOUR ENTIRE "SNATCH" FROM 100 FT AWAY AS HE'S DRIVING DOWN AN INTERSTATE IN HIS "BIG MUTHA TRUCKER", MAYBE YOU SHOULD BRING A BACK UP OUTFIT.. 

SO IN CLOSING.. WEIRDO DUDE THAT GOES TO MY CHURCH WITH RETARDED SHIRTS, JUST WHERE A REGULAR ASS SHIRT OR I'M GONNA HIT YOU WITH A HYMN BOOK!! LITTLE GIRLS WITH YOUR CASH AND PRIZES OUT FOR THE OFFERING PLATE. I DON'T THINK YOUR "OFFERING" IS GONNA GO FAR IN TERMS OF PUTTING A NEW DOOR KNOB ON THE FRONT DOOR OF THE CHURCH.. JUS SAYIN.. COVER UP YOUR POOTY-POO FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! YOUR GONNA GIVE THOSE OLD DUDES HEART FAILURE.

AS ALWAYS, 100% TRUE AS SHIT!! TIL' NEXT TIME.

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL!!

-SONZ-OF-DADZ-PRODUCTION-